I had to kick my H out when I was 7 months pregnant. He was still being very disrepectful to the marriage (and me). maybe you should separate and protect yourself until after the baby is born? then decide later.

no, i can't say I regret it. I HAD to do it. I was miserable. just miserable. things were so bad I was actually starting to lose my mind - I was starting to question my own sanity.

But my mother did come down and stay with me for 4 months. I don't know if I could have been as strong if I had to have done the whole birth/and early babyhood by myself.

Do you have a strong support system?

I actually ended up filing for divorce about 1.5 months after he moved out. I had hoped I wouldn't have to file, but STBX had taken every last dime out of our joint account.

For me, it was when I had a sudden urge to hit him over the head with the frying pan I was putting away. We hadn’t even been fighting. He was fixing the fridge, sitting on the floor. I could have killed him.

I put the pan away, and started planning how to get out of the house in the coming week.

I have no advice for you. This is a tough decision especially since it will affect the bonding between your H and the new child. Open your heart and I’m sure the Divine Wisdom will show you the way.

I made my XH move out of the house after he beat me up. I wasn't sure I wanted a divorce at first, but I couldn't imagine anything he could do that would make me feel safe again. He kind of helped the process along by refusing to believe that the violence was what was really bothering me (he decided it was because he didn't bring me flowers and make other romantic gestures often enough), that my lesbian friends were encouraging me to divorce him (they were, but no more so than my straight friends) and that otherwise I would never think of such a thing (apparently he thought I had the IQ of a pea), and by reassuring me that the counselling he was in was helping to restore his self esteem. (I didn't want him to have poor self-esteem, but his focusing on that made it clear he had no clue what the real problem was for me no matter how carefully I spelled it out). I often joke to myself that he really did me a kindness: first of all by picking a fight over nothing whatsoever so it was clear as could be that I was not responsible for his violence, and second of all by not ever doing anything that caused me to have second thoughts about divorcing him. He did a lot of things that were meant to make me have second thoughts, mind you (see above), but they all had the opposite effect.

I decided to tough it out. I was so hysterical about 10 years of abuse, including nonchalant talk about Sophia, that I think I may have been close to a nervous breakdown when I found out that, in fact, he had been having an A.

This is the other side of the coin.

I wish I had asked him to leave. I ended up with a well-deserved harassment order from Sophia, and the kids were neglected for two years. TWO YEARS! The baby had "shi..." as one of her first 10 words. The four year old saw H SPANK me HARD -- she has brought it up many times since then, saying how scared she was to see that with Dad yelling "G... d... it.."

OK, I had abuse as well as A, BUT the fact is that there must be a lack of care for either to occur. Do you want to focus on your baby who needs you or do you want to try to change your H's unacceptable behavior?

By asking for a separation, you are sending a clear message that his behavior is unacceptable and he can contact you when he is willing to change.

I am reading the Dr. Phil weight book and he relates a joke: How many therapists does it take to change a patient? Answer is one, but the patient has to want to change.

I think the media downplays the heartache of divorce.

If you think you can salvage your marriage, stick with it! You're far along in your pregnancy, it's not a time to make a huge life decision.

My husband (oops, ex) filed for divorce five months after D Day. He and I had separated four months before D Day. I was the WS. He now says he filed too soon, and that he/we should have fought for our marriage. I'm still praying he'll forgive me, and we can remarry someday if it's something he wants. I know I do! I want my children to have their dad again--here--and I would love to have him again as a husband. IT's true, we don't know what we've lost til it's gone.

Before I was divorced/separated, I had a little part time job. Now I work full time, and overtime, so that my children's and my lifestyle are the same as when I was married. I rarely have a moment to myself between my job, children, and all the home responsibilities. Think hard before you decide to give up, and be a full time single parent.

By the way, reading your point of view Jazzey helps me a lot in seeing how sickened my exH probably is at me, in light of the horrible affair I had. Thanks for sharing here, and helping me see that point of view.

On the other hand, I say it again..the media has made divorce seem like an 'okay' option, and something that isn't so bad for people. I beg to differ!

HP

JazzeyGirl, if you'd like to talk more to me, please feel free to email me. ljtpyle@comcast.net

My H did not physically abuse me or have an ongoing PA. BUT there was an EA. After he was gone I realized I had pretty much isolated myself from the rest of the world, because I had to. I knew if anyone knew what was going on, they would hae told me he had to go. I knew the situation was wrong, but I had my role in allowing it to exist. I finally kicked my H out telling him I"d rather "live in hell than like this". I pulled my 2 year old from daycare and took some time off of work. (He had an EA wiht our daycare provider).

It was a very emotionally charged situation - I had no where to take my son , I was 7 months pregnant and had no idea what I was going to do. LUckily my mother came down and helped me sort through things.

H was awful when he was gone the first few months. Didn't give me a phone number for him, but insisted in his legal papers I advise him when I go into labor. he did not help with the houaehold finances. ANd eventually withdrew every dime from the joint account. Blantantly continued his EA. Seperation really showed me where his heart was (or wasn't).

9 months later I find out he quickly started dating too!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> all the while insisting he wasn't.

I'm much more at peace with my life now than before. i was living in hell before. no its not easy with a 6 month old and a 2.5 year old by myself - but this is a much healthier choice than the alternative.

I haven't filed yet, but most likely will be retaining an attorney next wk. I have been living a hell for 2 yrs. And its funny (not really) but a dr told me last year that it usually takes about 2 yrs from the time the trouble starts until you decide to file.

My situation: He started to withdraw about 2 yrs ago, began EA a few months later, continued it even after I discovered, left me and saw OW, admitted to kissing but claims no SF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , came back but never worked on marriage, continued EA, was caught numerous times, always claimed it was over, but it never was.

Last discovery was beg of Sep. He booked a trip to Las Vegas. She called him the next day on cell. What a coincidence. He goes this wkend. I told him I will file since my assumption is he is going to see her. Of course he denies it, claiming he is going alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He thinks I'm bluffing.

It's not just the trip. It's his total attitude. He hides his cell phone, lies to my face about contact, about seeing her. Will not tell me where he is staying. He says he is entitled to his privacy. He constantly brings up things from the past (typical WS rewriting the marial history). Cannot face my family or friends out of guilt. Shows no remorse. Claims he will not pay child support. The list goes on and on.

Some marriages cannot be saved and some are not worth saving.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopeful_person:
<strong>On the other hand, I say it again..the media has made divorce seem like an 'okay' option, and something that isn't so bad for people. I beg to differ!

HP</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was in much the same situation as you after my divorce-I worked two jobs and even shopped at thrift stores. I had no family near by to help me out. I fell into a depression that lasted for several years. I still have never had one moment of regret over divorcing the bum.