but I need help.

in a nut shell: STBX and I have been separated for almost 10 months now. He left when I was pg with our second child.

He was be truly AWFUL to me. has been dating, MIA, not good about seeing his kids. lieing..etc.

in the last week we started talking more and more. suggested that since he's going to be fired, evicted, bankrupt maybe he should come home and watch the kids full time. I said no, that's not a good idea. a few days later he's admitting to feeling very suicidal. he agrees to check into mental hospital because I will not take him. don't believe his parents know. His parents are really no good support, they refuse to believe he has a problem.

so now I'm currently stuck being his main support. I am not sure if he's also calling his girlfriend while he's inpatient. says he isnt but hes proven himselve to be a bold face liar.

this is an impossible situation. i do not kow what sort of support I should provide? I've taken the kids to teh visitation hour, and he's really happy to see them and me. He SAYS that he's reevaluating things. (again, he's lied so many times I honestly can't say I believe him... maybe he feels that way NOW, but unlikely that feeling will last)..

anyone have any opinions or experience with this?

Usually when you're in an inpatient program, there are "family counseling" type sessions too (not just the visitation hours, but counseling for the kids, for spouses or others he lives with, etc.). Has this happened yet, and will you be the one to participate? Or would his parents? Or would the OW? Regardless, I am sure he is involved in several types of on-going counseling situations while there, and I wonder if they know about your marriage/separation status. Are you aware of what the doctors at his facility know regarding this? It seems like it would be good for them to know, as they could also help him face whatever is in your marital future.

I think it's a positive thing that he checked himself in, and that you didn't have to be involved more in that initial step.

You sound pretty cynical, probably with good reason. I realize you're in a difficult situation, but I think you should do some checking with the authority figures where he's at to see what your role would be. Maybe it would cause his parents to realize the extent of his problem if they were involved in being part of his support system, per doctor's orders.

So Hurt,

what a horrible situation!

Obviously you made a good choice in saying no to him watching the children full time. He needs to get well, and be balanced and show he's change before anything can hapen.

hello so hurt,
I remember reading your situation awhile ago.
I see things have not changed much.

You stated you did not know what kind of support you should provide. What kind of support do you want to provide? Where are you at with your wedding vows?

Do you feel obligated in any way to give any support? What does this man truly mean to you, as even just a father to your children?
Do you still have any thoughts, or feelings of loving him? caring for him? or even just as mere friendship thoughts?
Now, what about the simple fact, of human compassion, just for another human? Regardless??

There is no part of me saying to take him back, thats your decision, and yours alone. I will add this, if it was me, and my W, i would have the *Open Heart Policy.* As with the Open threshold.
I would have allowed her back home.

I'm just sharing my opinions, and asking questions,

As you remember,,,
I'AM A STANDER!!!
http://www.rejoiceministries.org

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

Why was STBX evicted, bankrupt and loosing his job? Are these consequences from his bad choices or are these things happening to him randomly?

He definitely needs to get healthy and if you can support him in that direction, you will be doing a kindness to him but also will benefit your children. But if he is going to continue to cause you and your children destruction and choas, you cannot enable him to bring harm to you and your family.

You are in a very difficult place....

I sympathize with your situation cause my WS is a paraplegic. When I go to our house where he now lives, some rooms do not have lights cause he can't reach the light bulbs to change them when they burn out. BUT I did not make choices that are causing him to live alone. I gave him every opportunity to make some changes that would save out marriage and I would have been more than thrilled to be his wife and helper. He sees other things (OW and drinking) as more important than our marriage so I left. I am concerned though that if he ever gets sick, he will not be able to be alone. I am concerned for my boys (who are grown) which will be hard for them if they have to provide some kind of care. BUT he was not disabled enough to become involved with a 27 yr old OW so my sympathy falls short very quickly.........He does not want me for his wife but I know he misses my caring, helpful ways.

I know I will probably help my WS if he needs it some day because I would want to help my boys and WS would probably help me if I needed it... BUT I would quard my heart and not let him pull me into anything emotionally binding. It would be relative to relative charity but not wife to husband relating.

Can you help him without him pulling you into his dysfunctional ways?

TW

Everyone, thanks for your replies.

I have placed a call to the facility this morning and should be getting a call back shortly.

TW - no the bankruptcy, eviction and probation at work are not random things. These are the results of really bad choices. This is the outcome of a really sick man.

In the last 24 hours I have learned there is not just ONE OW, but multiple. STBX has claimed there were NONE. But admitted to each one as it becomes apparent and undeniable. Stephen, are you saying you'd stand through this too?

Yes, I'm trying to help STBX as though he were just a friend in need. But it's quite difficult when he tells me he's reevaluating things and "there is no one else"... Ok, I didn't ask him if there was... he says it on his own. He doesn't have to say it. AND it's a lie.

So hurt,
yes i would.

I definetly would. That is where I'm at with my faith, and my beliefs. My eyes are not to be clouded,,,

*He who promised is reliable and faithful to His word* Hebrews 10:23

I continue to walk by faith, not what I see, think or feel.
God tells us that all prodigals do come home, that is His word, and He tells us His word is good.
Yes, I would stand by her, I do have an *Open Heart Policy* as well.

In two weeks W agreed to meet, and talk about chances of reconciliation,, i do know there is a time and place to *talk* about OP, or any other issue from the past. To be honest, I frankly
*do not* want to know. What will it change? All that will be acquired, is more hurt. Some people want, and need to hear every detail.
But there is a time for talk,,, I do know my W has told me lies, and she probably will in the future. I know her day will come, but not from me.
At times my family tells me I'm crazy, other times I'm supported. I do know I *feel* that what I'm doing, is right.
I also know I'm sending a strong message to my children, regards to marriage,,,

I'm glad to hear that you are trying to help stbxh. It does say a lot about the kind of person you truly are! It really never hurts to display compassion, for another human being, including any stbx's,,,

so hurt I'am a stander.
http://www.rejoiceministries.org
http://www.covenantkeepersinc.org

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

So Hurt,
While Stephan's faith is admirable, it may not be your own. In my belief, God does not want us to be married to a mentally ill person. There can be no marriage in that case. You can be a caretaker, a parent, a warden in the worst cases, but not a wife.

Just my humble opinion.

But you need to follow your faith and what's best for your children and you. In that order. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />