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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 169
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Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 169 |
It has been months since I posted on the MB sight....And the first time ever in the divorce forum...
Anyway, after almost 2 years of dealing with my h's affair that keeps on popping up, I decided to end it and get a divorce. We just agreed on the terms a couple of nights ago, but I haven't filed anything yet....
My h moved out in with the ow yet again, after another reconsiliation in April with me (I asked him to leave a month ago, reluctantly), the ow now is 6 months pregnant with his possible child... And I'm confident I'm making the right decision with devoice... But at the same time I'm not content with it... I still love him so much! I'm not sure how he feels about me really, he says he feels the same as I do about him, but I seriously dought it because his actions say anything but.... He tells me he loves me, but I'm not sure he knows his own head and heart...
I know the marriage has to end because, He cant' commit to it, he cant seem to let go of the ow, he lies to me constantly, and I feel he doesn’t' value or respect me..... He was not always like this so I feel that I kept on believing he will turn back into the man he was, but as of now it has not happened, so I’m done...
The problem is that we keep on sleeping with each other, it's like we really can't let go...
I know this is very unhealthy, and I'm wondering if any of you have had this problem...
We were very young and have a unique bond that most people don’t understand... That might be the reason it's so hard to let go even though I know I have too, I just don’t' know, I’m so confused...
I'll be divorcing him , but not emotionally...
I tried , I really did, I put my heart and soul into rebuilding our marriage, but the affair and lies never ended... I was even willing to except the OC into our lives and home... That was not the deciding factor.. He just kept on lying and continuing the affair...
I need the divorce for my own peace of mind... But I do love him so very much...
I just can't stand this anymore...
And I know I'm not sending a very good message to him by continuing to be intimate with him.. It's the doormat message.. But the desire to be close to him is so strong, yet at the same time, I'm happy that I'm saying no I’m not going to be walked on , by making the decision about the divorce... I know I'm a walking contradiction... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I'm just curious if any of you have been in this situation... <small>[ October 05, 2003, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: killjoy ]</small>
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 680
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 680 |
Yes. You've reached a compromise with yourself... but as your divorce starts to happen, he'll see that your serious (assuming you don't cave). At some point in the divorce, things will get nasty (they always do). At the point that they get nasty, you'll regret having been intimate with him.
Once the divorce is done and you're able to make a break, you may or may not regret having been intimate with him. You might see it as the biggest mistake you've ever made. You might see it as a treasured memory that held the two of you together through thick and thin and enabled you to walk away from the marriage with something worthwhile to remember.
At some point, you'll fall in love again and the person you're with will ask you how things ended with your x. At that point, every part of you will ache to tell them that you said, "I want a divorce and walked away never looking back. It brought us together." And, once again, you'll regret any intimacy... because it suggests a double-mind on your part and creates secrecy. People who haven't been through a dv feel tremendously threatened by Rebound and any inclination on your part to "get back together" with your x.
Be careful.
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
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What about Plan B? It does not sound to me like you are really ready for divorce. Plan B will protect you from his affairs and let him suffer the consequences of his actions. And I would suggest in your case a real, honest to goodness plan B with NO contact. Don’t do what I did a regular separation. Even with help from Steve Harley it didn’t work out well.
If your husband loves you and misses you a lot, maybe you can redeem the marriage. If not, it’s a good transition phase so that when you are faced with the decision to divorce, it may not be so gut-wrenching. Post to Cerri at Just Found Out for help with Plan B. And if necessary, buy one of those battery operated devices to keep you away from H.
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 279
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 279 |
Killjoy : I know exactly how you feel. My WW has been having an affair and living with another man for almost 14 months now.
We had several short reconciliation attempts and one long-one...where she went into alcohol re-hab. She was back drinking in two weeks and living with OM (a real big-time drinker). I went to Plan B and we didn't hear from her for nearly one month. She then started leaving maessages crying that she missed our sons(7 & 14 ) and she needed to see them.
I had gotten a custody/child support order to protect the children from her incredible selfish destruction of the family. I am convinced that she doesn't mean to be malicious...but motive on this score does not matter. It is all about what she DOES. Not says.
I did Plan A for about 6 months and Plan B'd her for about four. But, it always came down to the same thing. She always went back to OM.
After 13 weeks, ahe finally agreed to come back to see the boys. She was going to get a hotel, but suddenly could not afford it.
Then OM left love busting messages on my cell phone. He was drunk and they were awful messages directed at her. We laighed at them...and she knows that she is in trouble...but still refuses to make the right moves.
I like you love her very much, too....I will mourn the loss of our marriage. Our final hearing is in four weeks. Oddly enough, over the weekend, we went to my company party and then out dancing. The night was really wonderful. It was if for one evening I was in Plan A.
And, in a way, I was. I wanted to show her one last time...my friendship and love for her...regardless.
While my PLan A/B were not successful for my marriage, they were successful at getting me to the right point emotionally. I know this because after what she said she had done with her car and an IRA Saturday afternoon, I knew I hiad done the right thing by filing.
Her OM is clearly using her and she realizes that with the money problems they are having in a business he owns, she is starting to see that maybe this is not a good choice.
But, for me to stop now, without any action on her part would label me a fool. She traded in a very nice car(in her name) for a pick-up truck ( in his name only) ostensibly to be used in this business he has. He has accumulated $11,000.00 in debt to try and make her happy. He doesn't make money enough to pay his materials bills for jobs he does. So what happens. Sge cashes in a $ 5,000.00 IRA to keep him going. This is from a woman who was so good with money. O, she realizes the mess she has made. She shakes and cries. And her boyfriend called my cellphone,leaving a message saying that he wanted his truck back or he would call the cops and report it as stolen. His message was one driping of alcohol,jealousy and rage. As my wife said...a real winner. He had even left a message earlier asking for his ex-wife (drunk again) when he meant my wife.
She thinks I might slow or put the divorce on-hold. BUt, she has suffered no consequences for her actions. Plan A was marginally successful and Plan B din't have any effect on her at all.
But they both helped me. You see, I am now in an emotional position to divorce her. And after considering everything, I am going through with it.
It's not that I do not love her. I do. I would jump at the chance to recover our marriage. But, not at any cost. And, not with out her attempting more seriously to do what she knows needs to be done.She has told me point blank he doen't meet all of her needs. It makes no difference to me. She has to face the consequences of her inaction.
You must do the same thing. It is so hard. If the emotional and financial toll isn't great enough to motivate you....then by sheer will to survive must be the motivator.
If I can do it. So can you!
Best to you!
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