I married my husband 2 years ago, but we have been together for 8, since I was 17 years old. I am a church girl but was not active when we met. Therefore we have been sexually involved since the beginning and I think our past sexual involvement has ruined our future. Lately I find myself uncomfortable around my husband, I feel no physical attraction to him, we have no spiritual connection and I don't look at him with love in my eyes. I feel trapped in our relationship and I am no longer in love with him. It is really hard for me to open up and share my feelings with him. Yet he is such an amazing man, and he is so in love with me. I don't want to break his heart but I can't have fun around him anymore. When I am around him, I am uncomfortable, annoyed and feel unhappy. I no longer have any sexual desire for him and feel as if our marriage is coming to an end. We have discussed this and he has done everything in his power to keep us together. Now it is up to me to see if I can change my state of mind and fall in love with him again. I do not know what to do anymore, please help!<BR>Hopelessly TornApart22

Hi TornApart22,<P>When I read your post it reminded me of a radio broadcast I heard in June on Family Life Today. I went to their website but it doesn't look like you can go back that far online to listen to the back programs.<P>Dennis Rainey had a guest for several days who basically sounded a lot like you. I looked at the Radio Resources in June. I'm pretty sure her name was Dannah Gresh. She and her husband actually had filed for divorce. The programs basically told her story and how she overcame the "guilt" that she felt that had destroyed their relationship. Today they have a fantastic marriage.<P>I'm sure if you call Family Life Today they could give you more information. I did a google search on her name and found a website called purefreedom.com but it is in the process of being constructed.<P>I'm sorry I don't have any personal advice for you but I'm sure if you could hear this lady's story it would help you tremendously.<P>Symphony

Hello Torn Apart,<P>First of all, I would like to commend you on your honesty regarding the state of your marriage and for having enough foresight to go somewhere for help before things get any worse.<P>Eight years is a long time to know someone. I wish you could be more specific as to what exactly your H does or does not do that leaves you feeling empty. What is it exacly that makes you uncomfortable? You mentioned that twice in your post. This is foreward of me to ask, but have you been spending time around someone else besides your H, even as an innocent friendship? I ask because the turmoil you are experiencing is comparable to what many of us go through right at the beginning of an affair, especially an Emotional Affair (EA). This may be a hard question to answer, but a necessary one.<P>I would like to know more about your situation before I venture any advice or relate any experiences to you so that I can give you relavant information. I can tell you that I have felt the same way as you - almost exactly the same! <P>One more question for you - why do you feel that having sex with someone you knew for 6 years before you married him would damage your marriage? Apparantly, this wasn't much of an issue to begin with, or I doubt that you would have tied the knot. You waited a long time before getting married - perhaps you had doubts to begin with. <P>In other words, one of the things you can do to begin to help yourself is start asking yourself questions like these. It is entirely possible to get caught up in in feeling so rotten about your situation that you forget to investigate. (Been there done that, probably doin' it again soon, lol) So, talk to me, TA, what's really goin on here? <P>Khyra

Thanks for your post Khyra <P>My Husband is a great man, he has many values most women would love in a man, he cleans up the house, does laundry, is very sensitive and emotionally open. However, he is very controlling and analytical. I think I am so uncomfortable around him because I always think he is analyzing me. I can't get down to the root of the problem, but I feel like I can't be myself around him and never could. When I am not around him, I feel like I am funny and sexy, but not around him.<P>I have read many posts that sound exactly like my situation and they are all having or have had an affair. But honestly, I haven't gotten close to anyone since we moved into the area about 2 years ago. I spend most of my time working, with my family or doing church stuff. But I do have dreams of another man, he doesn’t really have a face, but I see myself with someone who I am truly in love with. I believe an affair is the biggest betrayal imaginable and could never do that to my H.<P>We waited so long to get married because he didn’t want to get married until he had finished college, and because I was still very young. We married when I was 22 and he was 25. I grew up in a very religious family that always preached no premarital sex. But I was the black sheep of the family in my teen years and wasn’t going to church. That is why it wasn’t much of a problem then. However even then I did once in a while get really guilty and would tell my H I didn’t want to make love until we got married, but would always give in later on.<P>I think our relationship has always been drenched in negativity. While we dated, my parents always disagreed because he wasn’t of our faith. I also think I married him because he was my best friend and I didn’t want to lose him. I try every day to keep an open mind around him and turn my negative thoughts into positive, but it seems impossible. Thanks for your help, I really need it!<P>Sincerely,<BR>Torn Apart<P>

TA,<P>In your post, you mention:<P> "I think I am so uncomfortable around him because I always think he is analyzing me. I can't get down to the root of the problem, but I feel like I can't be myself around him and never could. When I am not around him, I feel like I am funny and sexy, but not around him."<P>It's odd - I have often felt the same way, to the letter. That's one of the issues we are dealing with right now. He picks at me, and tells me why he believes I have certain faults. What I have been trying to do to combat it is to talk to him about it. I call him on it when he starts doing it. I feel too many times that because of certain things he has said, I don't think my 'self' is good enough or more precisesly, what he really wants from a mate. <P>I like to make people laugh (with me not at me lol) but I doubt if he thinks I'm very funny, judging by most of his repsonses to my silliness and kidding around. <P>As far as the sexy part goes, it's a combo of 2 problems: 1) Much of what I think is sexy on me he does not and 2) I often don't feel sexy anymore since the baby.<P>So, the long and short of it is, I can really relate to that part. However, it hasn't stopped me from loving him, I just don't like the way he is sometimes.<P>BTW, when do you feel sexy? When you're not at home? IS there someone who makes you feel sexy and funny, close or not close to you? If your H tells you that he thinks you are sexy and demonstrates that to you, then perhaps it is a self esteem issue you are confronting here. <P>"But I do have dreams of anoave a face, but I see myself with someone who I am truly in love with. I believe an affair is the biggest betrayal imaginable and could never do that to my H."<P>TA, I really want to address this. Yes, you could do that to your H. Church Girl or not, we are all capable. Do you think that most people who have affairs actually set out to do just that? How many times on this board in the past 2 years have I heard "I never thought I could do that to my spouse!" or "I'm not like that." How many times had I said it myself. Do yourself a favor - stop telling yourself that it could 'never' happen; become more attuned to your obvious vulnerability at this stage in your life. <P>It makes my stomach turn to think about it, but I have to skip back into the past for a moment here to show you what I mean. My first EA (emotional affair, I had two) took place with another soldier (I was in the Army). We started out friends, but he was keen and could smell my lonliness a mile away. At the time, my H and I were still engaged. <P>This guy honed right in on what my needs were - companinonship, admiration, closness and caring. He made me laugh, made me feel pretty, took me all around Seattle - the pier, the aquariums, the Ballet... I kept thinking, we're just good friends. Then, my nightly phone calls to my H to be started getting cut short due to the amount of time I was spending with this guy. It was at that point that I realized that I had a big problem and I had crossed a sacred boundary. <P>My future H and I had been living about 1000 miles apart for over 2 years at that point. We only got to see each other once every month and 1/2 - 2 months for a week at a time (If we were lucky). I kept telling myself the same thing YOU are right now, and the funny thing is that I was HAPPY with our day to day interactions! I was so in love with him, I was still 'twitterpated' as the owl on Bambi says. <P>TA, I share all this with you to show you how quick it can all happen and to tell you how much at risk I believe you are right now for having an affair. Not just because I screwed up and I have affairs on the brain, but because I see so much of how I have felt and still do at times in you! I can't be of much help with how to deal with the stuff that annoys you, other than give you the gold standard reply of "Get counselling!" It benefitted us when we did, and we need to go back into it again. <P>This may rub you the wrong way, but take it with a grain of salt - I absolutley do not agree that pre-marital sex can 'ruin' a marriage. It shows that you were both quite passionate about each other at one time - you were clearly much more than 'best friends.' Please don't allow your renewed religious frevor come between you and the passion you have had in this relationship. Stop feeling guilty; it's completely counterproductive to your marriage. There is no shame in what you did, you hurt no one, you betrayed no one, let that part of your past take a back seat to your other concerns. It's only as negative as you are chosing to make it in your own mind right now. <P>Perhaps now that sex is no longer 'naughty' to you it's not as fun? Welcome to marriage, lol <P>Your friend,<P>Khyra <P><BR>