I am in a steadying swiftly deteriorating depression. I have been married 6 years. In the beginning my husband loved me completely and absolutely. I would even have to say unconditionally. He was kind and sweet, respectfull, affectionate, very loving, i mean he was a gem. We were very good together for a short time....i found out he lied to me about alot of things, mostly about himself. I think he was ashamed of not having alot of money, and that his family didn't have money..ect. I lost alot of respect for him for his lies. I condemed him and didn't forgive him. I never had to deal with a liar and it was a first for me.
Time goes on..we have a baby. I am no longer the exciting woman he met and married, i am now maternal and bill oriented, very organized. I think he lost the girl he wanted. Come to find out in our 2nd year of marriage that he had been having an affair for over a year. The ow called me one day to tell me that she was pregnant by my h(ended up not being his) and that she had gotten two abortions by him. I was devistated. I was 3months pregnant at the time. This time i could not let go, i condemed him. I didn't know what else to do. I had him give me his voice mail access codes, his email passwords. I could not trust him. I cried every time I saw a blond girl. Every time I heard songs he listened to thinking they listened to it together. I would go to the mall and see couples together and i'd start crying, wondering why we didn't have a good marriage, why did he have to cheat on me. I had asked him if he was having an affair and repeatedly he said no, he would never do that to me. All the while he was, and there were signs, the late nights, the lies, turning his phone and pager off, not wanting sex, his patient level with me gone, he was increasingly being rude mean and hurtfull.
We never got over that, and then my h had to work out of state for over a year. He'd fly back every month. I missed him so much, we had a 7month old and our 3 year old at the time. When it was time to move home i found phone numbers of girls. I started questioning him. He said they were just friends. I told him there were to not be any women unless he was telling me about it. I felt that if he was open with it it was ok, but if he lied about women then he was up to something. He was home for a month, continuous fighting because of the phone numbers, and my increasing doubt that he was still faithfull, and that he lied to me. So after that month, i was pregnant with our 3rd child. two months later, his sister saw him with another woman, he claimed it was nothing. But i threw him out/he moved out. In march i had an accident and was burned badly in a fire. I spent 5-6 weeks in the hospital. My h was out of work but looking. But he rarly found time to come see me. The night before my surgury he yelled and me and called me names. He didn't even make it there before they took me to surgury. I was skin grafted at 5months pregnant. I finally was able to come home in the 2nd week of may. My h was around, for a short time. He then had to work 2hrs away. That was ok. Although I was in alot of pain and on tons of pain meds. and had two kids at home. Then we go away for his birthday. I finally planned a trip for us. We had a great time. After that weekend i was unpacking some stuff and found a used condom. I called him very upset crying wondering what was going on. He then told me that he didn't feel anything for me, that he tried but it was over and that the condem wasn't his. I was 6 months pregnant. He never came back to me. Things got worse when my children were telling me of this woman daddy sleeps with. I hired a PI and got cell phone records, also i got email account info. I found emails dateing all the way back to when he worked out of state. He was seeing 4 different women that i know of and got one of them pregnant.(a). I found pictures just days after i was in the hospital of him and another girl. While he was living with another woman and also seeking women online. Going out of town for the weekends and seeing even more women. Needless to say, I never expected this, I could not understand this person. I thought i knew him. I went and filed for divorce. I still regret it because i want him back. Yes even with all the bad stuff. I went through the rest of my pregnancy alone. I called him every day crying begging him to come see me. He said no. Begging him to come back to me. He said no. I asked him how he could leave his pregnant wife, who is disfigured now, doing therapy, and 2kids. He just said he wasn't a nice guy.
I had the baby and have seen him a couple of time. We in fact had a few very nice days together. He said he is not seeing anyone, but I don't know if i can believe him. He says he wants to try to be friends and thats what was missing in our relationship. And for me to just back off. I ask him if he'll ever come back and he won't answer me. He says if I pressure him right now I won't get the answer i want. He said why can't i just listen to him this once. That he knows all about relationships and i don't. What does that mean?? Hope? He said he wouldn't have filed for divorce. Why not?
We had a fight Saturday night. It was late and he was leaving and I asked him to stay. He said no, i asked why, he said because he didn't want to. I said glad I didn't ask to kiss you then. Then he got mad at me told me i was making him feel uncomfortable. I started crying and he just left. Then i called him and tried talking to him. He still left the offer open to have all of us go to church in the morning and spend the day together and i said no.
I have spent the last few weeks feeling nothing but forgiveness for all he has done to me. I have talked to him calmly and politely. When he promised to come over when i was sick, or to tired to care for the baby, or just when he said he was going to stop by and flaked every time and didn't even bother to call to let me know he wasnt' showing up...i didn't say anything. I started the new day with HI GOOD MORNING...and hoped he'd have a good day.
So things started going well, we were laughing on the phone, and i was considerate. He in turn was being nice to me. But being flakey.
Now were back to him not answering his phone. I had a hospital appt. today and couldn't go because he didn't leave me any money for gas or parking, and he knew this. Back to him yelling at me and swearing at me. I am back down low where i don't want to be.
How is it so easy for them to let us hurt? I have no friends and spend all my time here doing nothing. I do feel sorry for myself. I cry ever so much. I cry when i see the baby and he doesn't much see her, i don't even know if he feels a bond for her. I cry every night i go to bed alone wishing i had someone to hold me, someone to tell me that they love me, that it will all go away and they'll be there for me. I cry when the weekend comes because i have noone to make plans with and noone to see me when my hair is done and have makeup on. No one whos interested in what i have to tali about, no one to laugh with or go out with. No one to be there when i cry so bad looking at all the burns all over my body, my disfigured arm, my cut up scared legs, my ugly deformed grafted chest and neck and stomach. I cry so hard, why cant he be here telling me i'm beautiful. He was supposed to be here for me, for better and for worse...how can he just abandon me?
He says he only cheated on me because of me, because i didnt' give him what he needed. That this is how he is with all women, but me he treated me like gold. Now that love for me is gone, and he can't be nice to me ever again.
I am going to stop my divorce, I dont' want it. I want my husband. Can i win him back?? He says he still loves me...but... I get confused because he doesn't outright say what he means.
He says when i get it, he'll tell me....??? Does that mean if we try and be friends and that spark ignites...is that what he's waiting to see??? I don't know.
You all must know what its like to curl up on your floor and cry till you can't see. To not eat, to not want to talk to anyone. To wonder why life is so cruel.
I have never worked, my husband has supported me. I also didnt go to college, i have no job skills, 3children and 2+ years of reconstructive surgurys coming up.
I would never be so horrible to a person like my h has been. But i forgive him. I just don't want to wait a lifetime for him to realize the mistake he's making with us, and the children. I forget that they suffer as much as i do. He flakes on them also. They love him so much, and he's not around. I want them to know what its like to have a dad around. Why can't he see how he's destroying us???
I don't want to give up on him. I think he's worth my effort. I want him to drop this chip of hatered he has so he can find love for me again.

jshawfamily,

I get the feeling that you are afraid - afraid that no other man will want you.

Tell us what good you see in this man.

Why do you need him?

What does he do for you?

You can find a better man anywhere!

-AD

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>

Ok, I didn't go into your poll.
I think you need some help here, as in a counselor. Many areas offer free counseling, find one in your area. Without a career or prospects, and three children, you need to get yourself together.
Our local source is the Women's Crisis Center. Open your phone book and find one in your area.
If you claim to be depressed, you may want to go on anti-depressants to get you over this hump.
You need to seriously evaluate your life.
Get professional help. Talk to your pastor and ask for referrals, or the local behavioral health clinic.
Good Luck.

My advice, Jshaw, is same as Newly’s. Get thee to a counselor, a psychiatrist if you find one for free. Get anti-depressants if necessary. And start taking care of yourself and loving yourself. I find the fact that you still want this man at this point in your life and after all he’s done and hasn’t done extremely troubling. And you should too.

I would go so far as to suggest he may have cheated on you from day one. With the kind of affairs that MB principles can heal, there is a long period of estrangement. People just don’t jump into affairs. You weren’t even married a year before he started with at least one other woman. Also the fact that he was seeing four women is suggestive.

This man has devalued you in your own eyes. Stop giving him that control.

And rest assured that a good man will find you attractive AFTER you find yourself attractive and don’t need a man to lean on. Women and men have fallen in love with people with scars, without limbs, with misshapen bodies. I’m betting you’ll be decently attractive after the skin graft takes. Mine is small and after five years, I had forgotten about it. And now when people ask about my scar on my chin, I look at them like they’re crazy! Mine was done years ago when the technology was not as advanced. So although your scar will be bigger, it probably won’t be disfiguring in a year’s time.

Other practical advice. Get full custody of the children. Save your money and take him to court if necessary. Then, if you aren’t near family and friends, move near them. I think within 15 minutes of people who can provide practical support.

I’m still advocating a convent type living arrangement for divorced moms who have absentee Xs. Everyone would have a small kitchenette, a small living space and lots of bedrooms in a big building with an open courtyard. There’d be communal living space and a communal kitchen and laundry. And women would take turns watching children, cooking and cleaning. Each woman would be entitled to 2 nights off.

Luckily most men are good, loving, active fathers and partners. And even if they get divorced have common decency. Yours just ain’t one of them.

PS: My Utopia set would work as well for those men raising children on their own.

jshawfamily, I agree with the advice you've already been given to find a counselor and take care of yourself. Although the details are different I very much relate to your feelings. I think my WH may have been cheating from day one, though I never found out for sure, and thankfully, with the passage of time, lots of Al-Anon meetings, and individual counselling, I no longer much care.

I also felt desperate to win him back, but never did. I don't really want to replay all the sordid details, but I lost much of my self-respect and allowed him to treat me as badly as your H is treating you. This is something only WE can change. When you are able to love yourself enough to expect to be treated with respect, you will be.

I also relate to the issue of physical deformity because a couple of years before my WH left to move in with his MOW, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy and a year later had reconstructive surgery. While I look "normal" in clothes, I was very concerned about what another man would think about all my scars and no nipple! I've discovered that it's not an issue and if someone cares about me, the scars don't matter.

So, take a deep breath, find a good counselor, take antidepressants if they're prescribed to you - I did for about a year and it helped tremendously, though I haven't taken them for over a year now. Things will get better, but you have to take care of yourself and treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Take the focus off of him and put it on yourself - you deserve it, you've been through hell. I know, I've been there, too.

Hi Jshaw,

Welcome to MB.

I hope you are feeling better today.

It looked like your spouse has convinced you that it's your fault for his affairs because you just aren't "fun" anymore. That's so ridiculous and don't buy into that. You could have been the most fun person in the world and he would have still cheated.

It didn't matter who he married. He is a cheater. Just like some are alcoholics, some are druggies, your spouse is a cheater.

This is not a man with one affair. This is a man who was dating several women at once. He's sick and making your life miserable.

He's not worth your time or your tears.

On going to bed by yourself. Please know too that every night I go to bed myself. I use to hate that, but now it doesn't bother me at all anymore and I love my bed and crawling into it. I go to sleep quickly and usually sleeping through the night.

That wasn't always true though. It took a lot of healing inside me, and plus, I know this may sound strange but one of the things that helped me tremendously was getting new bedding. I got a new feather pad to go on top of the mattress and then got a white down comforter to go on top. It makes it more my bed and not the bed my ex and I shared.

I am looking forward to some day having the right man coming along but I also think getting healthy and not needing one to come a long any time soon is the right way to do it because I know now that when I meet a man I won't settle for less than a good and decent man, I won't hurry it and I will wait for the right one, even if that wait takes years and years to happen.

I don't know what your religion is but I also know I have God and my family who loves me very much. Also, I love who I am.

I am sure you have people who love you and once you get counseling and find out that you are a great person that someone would be very lucky to have, then you will be able to love who you are, and you won't even feel this need to have someone holding you. I'm not saying that's not something I don't want some day, it's just not a need I have anymore.

I feel like I am rambling, but I so much want to reach out to you and let you know that you are a great person who deserves the best in life, and that some day you will have happiness again.

Take care and I hope you come back on and get support here as well as counseling.

ANNA

Hi Greengables,

I liked this suggestion:

"I&#8217;m still advocating a convent type living arrangement for divorced moms who have absentee Xs. Everyone would have a small kitchenette, a small living space and lots of bedrooms in a big building with an open courtyard. There&#8217;d be communal living space and a communal kitchen and laundry. And women would take turns watching children, cooking and cleaning. Each woman would be entitled to 2 nights off."

I'm from a very large family, all of whom live many, many states away. But I have LOTS of friends that are as close as family. It helps so much.

And to the original poster (sorry forgot your name already) I think we have a lot in common. My husband was a serial adulterer and has been very cruel to us emotionally. I don't think it's just the normal affair or midlife crisis situation but also abuse. I used to have extremely low self-esteem and couldn't give my husband ultimatums, was way too forgiving and enabling. That's why it's so incomprehensible to him now that he won't get away with what he wants. It's not easy but my daughters and I are learning to take more of a tough love stance with him. I've had to set up some boundaries and it has helped to restore my self-resepct and (to a much lesser degree unfortunately) has prompted him to show me more respect (sometimes).

Do you have difficulty getting and remaining angry enough at him to take any firm action? I think that's been one of my biggest problems. I'm maybe too optimitistic and understanding. We teach people how to treat us and I'm certain my husband would never have gotten so bad if I'd taken a firmer stance sooner.

Also, because of my religious and moral beliefs I will not date until after the divorce... and I don't want the divorce... So he knows he doesn't have to worry about competition. I've always thought it was immature to try to make someone jealous by dating or flirting with another. But I do understand it can be very effective. Especially since he's never had to worry about my leaving him for another man I think it would really rock his world - he has NO idea how it could make him change his feelings for me. I just know I wouldn't do that and probably couldn't pull off even bluffing about it. Still he does act jealous sometimes and his silly comments that I'm too old to date or remarry don't worry me at all LOL. If I'm not here when he comes to see our daughters he asks them where I am. If he puts up a wall for a while to close me out I can usually get him to drop it if I pretend total indifference. If I am gone or have other plans, instead of being available when he comes over, then he usually starts inviting me to come along with him and the kids. But it doesn't seem to signify any genuine interest in me - just to keep me from going off by myself or with somebody else? Or maybe I'm responding positively (accepting the invitation) too soon? Because he usually only spends time with me for about a week and then sort of dumps me and puts up the wall again.

Anyway, the advice others gave you seems right on.
Concentrate on yourself and your kids right now.
He neither appreciates or deserves your attention.
You will gain absolutely nothing of value even if you manage to keep him in his present state.
His problems (as well as my husband's) are not just your garden variety affair and/or midlife crisis. He needs professional help and probably is nowhere near acknowledging that yet. I can certainly understand your desire to save your marriage. But I think right now he's caused so much damage to you that you aren't in a position to help him. For now you need to concentrate on healing yourself and not giving him the opportunity to inflict any more damage. I had to keep my husband away for a very long time to learn and work on myself before I felt confident enough to try again. Just keep telling yourself that the best chance you have of maybe saving your marriage is to first take care of yourself. If you DON'T start there you'll probably not have any chance of success. I know it's hard to not beg - I've struggled with that. But it does NOT work.

Hi...Welcome.

Agree with everybody else to work on you but I'd also add some more.

Like you, I was at home with my son. I am living several hundered miles from my closest relatives. X is cheater, 2nd OW and this one's lasted for 1 1/2 years so far and d final this summer.

I too suffered and still do from time to time with low self esteem. He would always tell me that I was fat, ugly and stupid, among other colorful expletives. And if you hear those things told to you for a period of several years, even though those things are false, you tend to believe them.

Trust me, it's hard. And it probably might have been easier if xH had less money..With his being well off, he is able to just forge ahead recklessly with his sinful lifestyle. And it hurts like all get out. But I'd rather be healthy and alone than sick with someone else...Thanks Dr. Phil!

What you need to do is find a women's center and go there. Get as many resources as you can about job training, childcare, info from churches, and if you could, move near your family. I couldn't as he legally and financially made it impossible for me as of now to move back home where I do have support and those who love me. Part of the controller/cheater is to isolate you and keep you down. When I got information from the county after xH broke into my home in May, they sent me information on being a battered woman. And this is battering btw...IT is spousal abuse.

You need to work on you and for a while forget about him. Totally. Give plan B letter and get your ducks in a row and find out as much as you can about divorce and what to do from the women's crisis center. I can only deal with Jethro a little bit now and then. And I am going through uphill struggles all the while and it's not easy. I won't sugarcoat that being a single mom is a bed of roses b/c it isn't. But it is better than being lied and cheated to every day and thinking that you are losing your mind and crying nonstop because you think you are a bad person ALL BECAUSE ONE OTHER PERSON TELLS YOU THAT YOU ARE. You have to go on for the kids now and they need you to be strong.

Hey, many of us suffered from depression as a result of the situation and I've even sunk back into it after the restraining order was lifted and he was able to have contact with me and force OW into my face by bringing her to a soccer game and then driving into my driveway with her in the passenger seat of his luxury car. It hurts. I just want to heal and sometimes crawl under a rock and wish the world would go away.

But you've got to believe that somewhere, God is opening up and getting ready to reveal to you a bright new and loving horizon.

We are here at MB. We listen. But you've got to do a few things for you now. Not for him. For you and the kids. Get as much information. Also they may be able to get you involved in a battered women's help group or some mental help. Remember, when you are battered, it's not because you are defective. The batterer is and we need a bit of a boost to help us deal with those years of abuse so we can move ahead. Don't think YOU are the one crazy ok? Just not so. For YEARS I thought It was all my fault. And he even blamed me for
"making"
him insult, cheat, abuse me. That I was the root of everything. And I was not. He's done the same thing in fact to his sleazy OW "Ms. Family Values" and I can't say that I am not happy it's happeneing to her. She thought what she was stealing was made of gold. And what she found out is it's not. Fool's gold.

Until our x's want to change then nothing for them or with regard to our marriages past and present could change. Accept that. But what CAN change in the dynamic is YOU. And YOU can show your kids a new way to live. God is there. Sometimes I even doubt my faith, but God just keeps coming back in little ways saying "Peachy, don't fear anymore. I am here. I love you." And of course, the kids love you to. We love and will pray here too!

concentrate on you getting healthy, getting help, finding job help, and being the best mom you can be and also...I know this is uncomfortable, but finding out about divorce information. Detach and write plan B and stick to it right now. You're not in a place where a plan A could work and you have to save you and the kids ok? Please pray and do this. We're rooting for you.

HI, its me.
I want to thank you all for your replies.
I do have a counselor but for some reason when i talk to them i feel more hurt. Also I do have anti-depressants.
I saw my H today. I was very angry with him. He had been telling me that he wasn't living with the OW, but after i told him why I thought he was, he confessed to it. I was heartbroken. I had had hope for us. I was really feeling hopefull. But then down to earth i come flying. Even with us spending time together and all, i thought that meant something. But it didn't. I said angry things and told him he wasn't seeing the kids this weekend,(not his weekend, but i'm out of town for the weekend) any way we fought and he told me never to call him again. Of course i did. I had questions. Then he turned off his phone. So i drove to his work(wrong idea) but for once, just once, i wanted him to finish a conversation. He saw me pull up and came to talk to me, of course he was mad.
I told him this whole divorce thing could have been different if he would have done it differently. He said no. He told me things he's never said before. That he's tried to stay with me for years, and wanted to leave me over and over. I didn't know that.
He says he's still not happy. I'm surprized at that since him and OW have each other,who by the way took me to court for a anti-harrassment order, I have never seen her or have i talked to her. I happened to get my daughters bangs cut at her job and my daughter saw her and told me. I then said this girl was sleeping with my husband to her manager, but nothing else,....She said in court papers that i threatened her with a gun and her kids life were in jeapordy, etc.....LIe, LIE, LIE, Has my husbands prints all over it. With the first girl he cheated on me with, he told me she said that towards me. Anyhow it got dissmissed because she didn't show.
Anyhow he says he's not happy, why? he's got it all, visitation with his kids, and not the responsibility of having them. Freedom, money to come and go, girlfriend and her kids, who my kids think he loves more,...and he doesn't have to deal with me, why isn't he happy????
He said he'd live with regret. I don't get that, if you know your going to live with regret, fix it now right? He says this has all been like a horrible nightmare, i agree, but through it all we had each other, at least i thought so. At the end of the day, i still had him, to share everything with, and now thats gone.
My feelings for him are changing, going away is the love, i look at him and I feel sadness, and pain, and i feel so sorrowfull. My feelings are fading, because i'm not getting anything to build my love bank. I wish the pain was easier to go away. But its not because i do love him. He says i'll meet a nice guy one day and i'll understand what a pric* he is, just like he tells me. He says hes no good. But in the next breath blames me for him being what he is.
He has me feeling that if I would have done things differently i would be with him now and none of this would have happened. Since I want it so bad, it leaves a very guilty feeling. And that hurts alot.
Why do the OW reap all the benifits while we suffer all the pain? What makes her so much better, or have so much more to offer?
My H dropped by money this morning and my 2year old cried and cried, saying "I miss you daddy" I was so heartbroken and so mad, how can he do this. He says it's not his doing its mine??? But every night the OW's 2kids get to have dinner with him and play with him and spend time with him and they get to see him in the morning and go places with him and their mother, my kids get none of that. Her kids reap the benifits and my kids get nothing. So he says why don't i let him watch the kids over there then. Ya right, he was sleeping with her in front of my kids, who are going through enough, she sat my daughter down, my 5yr old and told her she was keeping her daddy forever and he was going to be her husband. He abandoned my while i was pregnant and hasn't seen the baby much, and she took me to court 2days before i was to have the baby and he wants to take my little baby there? Heck no.
I know i need to let go, but how, getting angry doesn't help, getting sad doesn't help, staying busy only lasts so long, and the nights are so lonely and long, especially with a 1month old.
I appreciate all that you guys say in your responses and look forward to reading them.
I just have to say one more thing, word by word if i can remember it right.
My H said to me today, that he wants to be friends, and maybe under all the pain and hurt and anger he has, that he might find that feeling for me again. But he doesn't know if he'll find it. So he's offered his friendship, but i want more, I don't want to be friends, its too hard and i'd rely on him too much and continually get dissapointed. I also understand that as time goes on i will dispise him. I know it. I feel that he will want me back one day(i can't be sure) but it'll be too late. I would love for my H to try with me the way i've tried with him. I have put so much energy into wanting it to work.
I should have thought more about if he was worth it. I get so confused, is he worth it, or not?
I was told tonight by family that i'm beautiful, that there would be lots of men to love me and my children, that love doesn't hurt, it doesn't cause anguish or suffering, that i'll survive, that i didn't do anything to deserve this, that it isn't me. Its not my fault.
I want to say i love you to someone...so goodnight all and
I love you

Today is a new day. I wish it were a happy day. I reread my posts and i'm disgusted that i went to his work and that i called him over and over. I am trying to come to some new understandings. Treat him like and ex not like a now. I have been so consumed with making things work, that i really haven't thought past that. I am so afraid to do anything more legally, because i'm afraid that he won't come back after that, or that he'll think less of me as a person. But I have to protect my future, he won't do it for me. I ask myself why should i worry if something hurts him, like making him pay support or going to jail for not paying, and i say to myself, where was he when i needed him, when i was crying, pregnant, or in the hospital with pre-term labor and he told me he didn't care, he didn't care if i lived or died, or if i had the baby, all the nights i cried and begged him to come see me, or just to holdme. He didn't care about me then, or when i was having a bad day. He didn't care about me when it was a weekend night and i was alone, or if i was sick and needed help with the baby. He didn't care enought to call to tell me he wasnt going to show up after he made plans with me,7 days in a row.
So I must stop worrying about him, and his feelings, and not care that he won't come back, not care what happens to him. He wouldn't shed a tear if i dropped dead.
I am not on the road to recovery, i'm just in one of those strong moods.
I know i was wrong in lots of ways, but i am a good woman, and he should be thankful that i made all the attempts that i have to keep our family together. He didn't deserve that, no matter what failings i had as a wife. He didn't deserve my love this past year, or my time, or my energy, he didn't deserve my tears.
He'll have regrets and he knows that, he knows that because he's been horrible to me, he regrets whats happened but i have no idea to what degree. I WANT TO ASK YOU ALL, can a person love you and want to be with you, but doesn't let themself, and convinces themself that they would be better off without you? I think he loves me...i think he feels friendly, but he's such a good liar i cant get a fix...oh wait stop stop thinking about him.. its over..see how hard it is for me. I would have let it all go in a second.....he knows that he is wrong and he admits to being weak. But i can't feel sorry for H anymore. He'll land on his feet he always does.
I leave for a trip to Vegas tomorrow for my mothers wedding, so yeah i get to get out and away from here. So my husband calls this morning and says very mean like, so have you thought about how much money you need for your trip and i said no, anyhow the whole conversation was him with a mean tone, very rude and icy...i told him he didn't need to be rude with me, we ended the conversation. He then called me back to ask me if i got my garments yesterday from the hospital(burn garments, very important stuff) I said yes and he was very nice, and he asks if it fits, if I like it all kinds of caring questions, and then thats it. Why???
I would love so much to just talk talk talk to him but it does me no good, then the second i tell him not to call me, i call him. I need to not talk to him anymore for any reason. But how do i do that? What if he asks me to go to church with him? Doesn't that just set me back, or should i reach out for his hand that hes offering? I get so confused. Please pray that my plane doesn't crash....its my number 2 phobia, number one is bees.
I can't wait to talk to you all.
I love you.......

Deep breath time. Several long, long breaths in and out. Just practice it. It works.

Okay, first off, counseling is supposed to hurt. IC counseling that is. It’s scary. You’re vulnerable. You relive and rehash all kinds of things you’d rather leave behind. You face that you are your own worse enemy. If after four sessions you aren’t getting this either you aren’t working at it or your therapist stinks. Therefore, your money is not wasted.
Ask your counselor if he or she sees any improvement. Ask how long before you start to feel better. Because with the discomfort should also come some hope of better things.

I LOVE your plan of treating him like an ex. He’s being hurtful. And you don’t like who you are around him. I can tell. So, get rid of the now and move to the ex. I also think it’s particularly insightful of you to realize that you’ve been so tied up in getting him back that you can’t prepare for the future. So, the H is history and the future is Now!

And good heaven, woman, the future has to be better without someone using and abusing you!

It’s horrible when your children miss their other parent. But in your situation and other extreme ones, it is best for the children. What would you be teaching your daughters to expect from their husbands? What would you be teaching your sons to do as husbands?

Next, I like to address territorial behavior. We all are sexually territorial. Well, most all of us. Therefore, whenever someone invades our turf we defend. Whether or not we really want that turf becomes a moot point. You just might be suffering a little from this. And the husband’s that come back whenever the wife has plans are definitely suffering from this.

Heck, a man I hadn’t dated in years, but was friends with, never spoke to me after I married though he danced with me at the wedding. In some way shape or form, he still felt I was his.

Just something to keep in mind.

You need counseling. And counseling can, indeed, be painful.

And antidepressants sound like a really good idea. However, not all antidepressants have the same effect on all people. If you do not feel like your depression is more manageable on your current medication, there might be a different medication that would be more effective for you.

Also, just as I was (and maybe still am), you are codependent on a man who is a sexaholic. There is a 12-step group for people who have loved ones with this addiction. It is a lot like AlAnon. It is called S-Anon. The telephone number for their main office is 615-833-3152. Call them and see if there is a group in your area. This group was tremendously helpful to me.

Jshaw, I'm going to tell you straight. As if I haven't already. Your husband doesn't care a hoot for anyone other than himself. Period. No more discussion. No, he doesn't love you. Half way decent people treat their hampsters better than he's treated you. Is that your fault? H*LL NO!

Great God in Heaven Above, protect this woman from the demon that has taught her to devalue herself.

Your husband has exhibited the very worse kind of behavior. He is teh ONLY problem at this point. I strongly believe it would be WRONG of you to give yourself to this man at this point in time.

God does not want any one of us to self-destruct, not even for the sake of marriage vows.

When you say he'll regret it, you are projecting your own values onto him, a man who has proved many a time to be ... completely selfish.

Check out When I Find the Time's sig. line. Follow the links to NPD. This used to be part of the sociopathic personality disorder. But it's been split into anit-social PD and Narcissitic PD. And read up on Toxic People because your H is one.

He may want to possess you, but that's not the same as love.

Also, please keep in mind that we ourselves are not good judges of our spouses' feelings for us. If we feel love, we also tend to feel loved, whether or not the other person really feels romantic love for us.

Take the friendship offered, but only as you'd be friends with the sperm donor of your children. If in time, your h. proves to be like so many good fathers here, allow him more time with children.

Try not to bad mouth him to the children. Don't worry, your friends and family will make sure your children know the poop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What you may be feeling is the dependence on your wH.

Mine was quite and is quite similar. I am getting through dealing with all the emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

When he is angered, he calls me names still.

You need to definitely get that link from Wifty. And in fact, as I have fallen back a bit into the depression, I need to re read it as well.

One thing to note: those with this or these kinds of disorders would rather have their pee pee's cut off rather than sit in a shrink's office and be analyzed because they can't handle somebody telling them they are wrong or that something about them is just not the coolest thing on earth. And if you keep him near enough to you, he will bring you to your knees emotionally. I know from experience. I know from being at the brink of sanity from my xH's treatment of me.

Please be good to yourself first. Your kids need you. And I guarantee there are ways to get some help. First of all, ask here. One day I pray we can set up some kind of BS family emergency underground to help those abandoned and abused both emotionally, physically and financially by their WS'.

In the meanwhile, you need to send the plan B letter and understand what it means to do a plan B. You do it for you now. You have to save yourelf. His ship is sinking and he's dragging you down too.

I know you have to have surgery. But you also can study or take some classes during this time at home. And because you're studying, he can PAY for his wife and child. Single moms can get great opportunities for scholarships or grants at universities or colleges. Find out your options. And get to the women's shelter and get counseling asap.

If I don't start feeling better soon, I myself will go back. But I've been thru so much of this I can kinda pull myself out of the spiral.

Separate yourself. he only loves himself. He will have his world circle around him and he is the center of his universe. Nothing you can say or do will make him change right now. And it's time for plan B. Time to start anew for you. Plus it is a good time to embark on where it is you want to go as a woman. We are rooting for you. But you can't sit there and let him keep doing this to you ok?