O.K. I have accepted that my marriage is not going to continue....

I am a father of a 15 month old boy, and he is the sunshine of my life. My wife left me 3 weeks ago today, and we decided that it would be best for him to live in his home, in his crib, for the purposes of stability. My wife has been living in an unfinished concrete basement since she left--not really a desirable place for a baby to stay. Now she is getting her own apartment and she wants our son to move in with her.

I don't know what to do! My wife gets off work at 3:30 every day and picks our son up from daycare. She gets to see him for 3 hours before I get off work to pick him up. Once he and I get home, I've only got about an hour--maybe an hour & 1/2 to spend with him before he goes to bed. We divide the weekend, because she works one day every weekend anyway. I have been very generous in letting him spend the night with her 2-3 times a week even though that means I have to go a whole day without seeing him. I think this is a great arrangement because at least we both get to see him every day.

Problem is, if he goes to live with her, the only way I will ever see him is if I "visit" him at her apartment. I will never get to wake him up in the morning, I will never get to put him to bed, and visiting him is not the same as living with him! I know that she is the mom, and she has the mother/son bond and everything, but I don't think it's fair that just because she left me, she has to take our son away from me too.

I am curious if anyone else has been in a similar situation, and how they dealt with it. I don't want things to get "ugly" between my wife and I. I would like to give her the divorce and still remain friends to the extent that it is possible, but already, we are in a HUGE fight about what to do with our boy.

Any thoughts on how to peacefully negotiate this so that we are both happy?

Thanks!

DWD,

Not sure what country you're in, but here in the UK I'm going through a divorce of my WW and we have a 5 year old daughter. I feel much the same about her as it sounds like you do about your son, but because she was the one who "did the dirty" on me, it has been easy for me to keep the divorce amicable. Because of this we've agree "shared care" (UK legal term) of my daughter. Under this agreement, neither of us have residency with the other having visitation rights; instead, the courts leave it up to us to do just thatv - shared care. At the moment we are working where I have her at weekends and one night per week, but we'll chop and change this as we go along, but always maintaining a rough 50/50 split of time for our daughter with both of us.

See if you can get this agreed in writing - unfortunately to make it legally binding, you may have to go through a divorce (you do have to in the UK). But at least it's sorted while you're still amicable - who knows how things my change in the future? Also, my solicitor advised me to keep a diary of all the times I look after my daughter for at least a year after separation, as this proves the level of my involvement in her upbringing.