I normally post in the Recovery board, but lately I have realized that I am certainly not recovering. Someone over there suggested that I post here to hear what those over in this forum have to say….

I have been “here” before – in the land of despair, hopelessness, and pain. It is no different this time. I wonder if it will EVER be different.

18 months post D-Day, my WH told me that he still does not love me. I was devastated, but picked myself up and decided that it was time to move on with my life. It has been a wild rollercoaster, and I have thrown up so many times that I just need to get off, you know.

This is not a marriage. I have done everything I know possible to make it work – I have been going to IC for over a year, been on anti-dep meds, worked on myself, changed my attitudes and behaviors, changed my looks. I thought things were getting better, but I was mistaken. Apparently, WH was just settling into being comfortable with the way things “are”.

I am so lonely. WH has not slept a single night in the same bedroom with me in almost 2 years by now. He refuses to tell me he loves me – says he doesn’t want to give me the wrong impression. However, he has no problem with me doing his laundry, cooking his meals, and paying his bills. Is this marriage?

I decided a few weeks ago that it was time for a separation. WH told me over the weekend that he thinks that is the right thing – that he does not see our relationship going anywhere in the future. However, when I asked him to move out by the end of the month, he refused. He is adamant that he will not leave. He actually told me that he has put so much work into the yard that he should not have to leave. He told me that he never had a yard like this growing up and that I should understand that he is not going to give that up. He told me that I can find another house where I can be happy, but that he cannot get another yard like the one we have. It has gotten very ugly. Again, I am devastated that he would fight so hard for the yard, and never give a thought to fighting for me.

This morning, WH told me that he does not want to separate. His reason – that he wants to see our kids every day. OK – I understand that – I feel the same way. But, when I tried to talk about the fact that we are doing a disservice to the boys by providing such a shabby example of a loving marriage, he scoffed. He said that there could be a lot worse……. True. But, what kind of mother am I going to be if I continue to deteriorate inside over the years?

I brought up the fact that it is just not normal that he sleeps in the room with the kids instead of with me. His answer….. well, he didn’t really know what the future would hold. That he thinks eventually the boys will outgrown him and he will probably have to start sleeping with me again – that hit me like another knife in the heart.

The one thing that sticks out to me in all this is that WH has never mentioned that he has feelings for me – that he wants me in his life. He finds all sorts of reasons that he doesn’t want to separate or divorce, but none of them have anything to do with me. I am only 34 years old…… I want love in my life…… I want happiness. Why is this all I get?
I have come to terms with the fact that we need to separate – for my sake. But, I it still hurts. And, now I have to deal with the fact that he refuses to leave our home. What are my choices now? Force him out through legal channels, or move out peacefully myself. Which would be less traumatic for the kids?

Any advice? I am withering away quickly inside……

Another question........ WH and I are supposed to go to a family event with his mother, sister, etc. this weekend. His mother has asked me to take some photos for he for Christmas at the event since she will have all her grandchildren there. (I have a small photography business as a hobby.)

I don't feel like I can go to the party under these circumstances and play "happy family". His mother knows nothing about our marital struggles and will get her feelings very hurt if we do not show up.....(WH says he is not going to to and take our kids.)

My mother-in-law and I are very close. I want to call and tell her what is going on so she will understand why I am not coming. Is that OK?

Finally, I hesitate to say this….. but I feel like just taking the kids and moving is a cop out….. I don’t deserve to have to lose my home and uproot my kids. But, I am so tired and worn out…. The “cop out” seems the easiest way to go to me right now. I don’t have the energy for a huge LB that comes with a legal battle. Is that weak of me?

I can be happy somewhere else, I have no doubt about that. In fact, a chance to start over clean sounds even appealing to me on some levels…… my kids – that is another matter. I non-chalantly asked my 7 year old thins morning if he would ever like to move to a better house and he immediately got upset, saying that he did not want to move away from his friends. So, I feel like if I don’t fight to keep them in their home, that I am giving up on them. Does that make sense?

I'll reply more later. I suggest you take the picture for your mother in law. You want her support. And since things are so bad, I don't see any reason to make a secret of it. Simply tell your MIL that you and h. have been experiencing problems for a while and that currently you are considereing separation. Tell her taht you want to maintain a relationship within boundaries, understand that her first loyalty will be to her son, but taht you hope she'll always be a part of your children's lives.

Consider Plan B. Your husband needs a serious wake up call. As if his feelings for you were the only ones that mattered. What will happen when you don't give a hoot about him one way or another? It only takes one person to divorce. Then, you might get his lawn anyway! SOme people are so blind!

Gosh..... just when I start feeling like I am getting it together - making plans for myself - feeling better about moving ahead with changes in my life.....

This morning, my husband and I were discussing our plans for this evening. I asked if he would mind if we took 30 minutes or so to try and discuss some of the things that we need to do before next month (separation). He said sure and we went on with the usual morning routine.

However, when he was leaving, he did not tell me good-bye. I made some kind of a joke about it and he turned an snapped at me - something like "what do you expect after something like that?" I was caught off guard and merely replied "What? I thought this was what you wanted!"

Second thoughts? I am not really having any right now. I am just starting to get excited about being on my own and finally being in control of my own life after 2 years of chaos. But, right on cue, my husband throws the guilt card at me. Why should I be the one feeling guilty? I have tried for a year and a half to get this marriage on the road to recovery!!!!

He appears to believe that I am the one making the choices here - he keeps referring to the fact that I am trying to control him. That is so far from true. I am merely trying to do something within the boundaries that he has set with his own choices (or lack of) that will allow me some peace in my life.

Am I wrong to keep pushing for separation? I would put it off in a second if he would agree to go to counseling and to the dr. regarding anti-deps. But, if he will not do those things, I don't see the point in staying. Nothing will change, will it?

Thank goodness I have an apt with my counselor tomorrow....!!!!

What would you ladies and gentlemen reccomend to a friend in my situation?

Thanks, WTW

Your picture taking brought up a memory for me.
The Thanksgiving before we separated, we had family photos taken with my family, and our own family too.
You could see the discord in the photos. It was not a family, but 4 people who once had something in common. Those pictures never saw the light of day, they were so depressing to view.

Willing to Wait, disregard all reference to “controlling.” Most people throw that term around when people draw boundaries.

You have as much a right to say on what terms you’re willing to live with him as he has. I don’t think you’re wrong to move to a separation at this point. I suggest you read “Should I Stay or Should I Go? How a controlled separation can save your marriage.” Lee Raffel invented this technique and it involves drawing up a separation contract. It is fascinating and I wish I had read it before I separated. Not all of her sample couples remained married, but they all answered definitively whether or not their marriage could work.

Willing, I would love to PM you but since I mostly lurk here I don't know if that's even possible. There are so many similarities to our stories that I feel like talking to you one-on-one. If that's something you'd be interested in, let me know.

In the meantime, (((Willingtowait)))

Last evening, WH told me that he did not want to “talk about things” – that he trusted me not to divide things up unfairly and would sign whatever I wanted him to. WHAT???? The condensed version of the evening is basically that his emotions were all over the place – from being sad one minute to very defensive another, and angry another. He would never tell me what he “wanted” – he just told me that if separation is what I wanted that was fine. But he also said that he is not doing it “for show…..” and that if we separate we will divorce. I told him that is not what I want, and that I still think we can work things out if he will just try, but he didn’t have anything to say to that.

I asked him again to go to counseling, and he again said no. He said he does not need it.

The most striking part of it for me was when he was standing in the living room telling me that he couldn’t believe that I would think he is depressed. He went on to tell me that he is the happiest person in the world, etc……. all the while, he had tears welling up in his eyes.

I had been planning to cook dinner for all of us last night since it was one of the few this week that we were all home. But, after all this, my husband said that he really just did not want to be around me. He took the kids and went out to eat. He was still aloof when they got home.

This morning, he came into my bed and acted like he wanted to have sex. I got up.

What in the world is going on here?