I am a newbie here and have probably a classic case of marriage problems that I have been just too dumb to notice building over the years. I have been so busy chasing the paycheck to pay the bills and give to my family they have taken it as if I don't care when only the opposite is true. When it is good it is great when it isn't look out. I am 44 and have been married 12 years. I have known my W for 14 yrs. We have 3 children. They are great kids because of my W love and attention over the years. (Ages 11B, 8B, and 6G). My W is at the point in her life (37yrs old) that she doesn't feel she has a life other than MOM. She is seeking her place in this life, and trying to find herself. I am all for this and have tried over the years to encourage her to find something but I realize she didn't need my telling her what to find what she needed was to find it out for herself. I have tried to support her but I also feel that I am blamed for the way she feels, not part but all the blame. I have fallen into stupid traps, been selfish and unfair at times. The issue as I see, maybe again selfishly, is that in seeking herself she expresses to me that her priorities are the children and herself. I am purposely excluded in the statement. She spends time out with her divorced friends at nightclubs but never stays out overnight or very late, but her friends are there to meet single and married men. I have done I guess all the wrong things up until now and even when I try to communicate with her one of us blows it out of proportion (we both are guilty of this). There is plenty of blame to go around and I'll take my share. Being we are both in such a state and each of us have our points how and where do I start to show her that I love her, truly support her and want her to be happy even though she makes me feel like all I am to the family is the paycheck? My W is a good woman whom I love and she deserves to be whole and happy, I just want to do right by her without losing myself, our marriage or her and at the same time not be taken advantage of. I am so confused and concerned about this all that it is eating me alive inside and I am making more love busters than adding to the love bank. I am looking to others to learn from their experiences and hope it's not too late for me to change and save my marriage.<p>[This message has been edited by NVR2OLD2LRN (edited August 10, 2001).]

Hi, sorry your thread got overlooked somehow.<P>I was 37 when my A started. I had similar feelings to your W but instead of hanging out with women friends, I gravitated toward male friends. A very bad idea. I was vulnerable, lonely, confused and easy prey for OM.<P>I'm sorry your W excludes you from being a priority. She is making a huge mistake as you already know or you wouldn't be here. <P>I remember a post awhile back that said 37 years of age is deadly for women and As. But you are reaching out and with the help of the awesome people on this board, we hope to boost your confidence and help you catch your wife's attention positively again.<P>Bump bump...come on, you guys...

I am also new here, and don't know how helpful I could be, but I could relate to your situation.<P>I am W (47) and BS. M 26yrs. 4 kids, 22B,17B,15B 10G. I was 37 when I had my surprise last child. I believe, at that time, our M was in a similar state yours is now, though I did not see it then. If my husband had been able to express those things that you are right now, maybe we would have been the wiser and not gone through the pain and struggles we are now facing.<P>H had #1 A shortly after birth of last child. I found out, it ended and he never wanted to talk about it. I never quite knew what to make of it at the time. Didn't understand the things that I do now. If we had been brave enough to talk things through, we may have had a better understanding of the signs of trouble, and avoided this latest A.<P>I was struck by your line of "I'm just the paycheck around here". I was/am a stay at home Mom, a decision mutually made way back 22yrs ago. But staying home all those years, did sometimes leave me with feelings of unhappiness that I never really expressed, just acted out. My H probably was always at a loss as to what was bothering me, (as was I really). We just let life roll us along. Like you, mostly life was good and we were happy but when we weren't .....(like you) watch out. Now (and it took this long and this #2 A to see it!!!!!!!!!)I can see the ways I acted very much contributed to H feeling I didn't care, took him for granted, and that he was somehow the source of my unhappiness. How I wish now we had been able to verbalize some of these things you have here. He used your line alot about being Just a Paycheck. I always countered that's not true, but I wish I had seen the feelings behind that line.<P>It is good you are here, and are aware of the things you are. Learn from this site ways to lovingly communicate to her these thoughts/feelings about her, and how important your marriage is to you. Recognizing there are some problems would be the first step toward addressing them. Don't look to change her, think about ways to change you and how you relate to her. She may not see the things you do, I know I didn't. But you do, so change the things you can, you will feel better, and you may begin to see her respond differently to you.<P>Like I said I'm not really in a position to give advice, but your marriage looks like our marriage 10 yrs ago. It's great that you are here. I hope others will respond with more/better words of wisdom. Keep reading and keep posting. Wish you well!<P>

Hello NVR,<BR>Welcome to MB. My H and I joined as of July sometime, you can look up profiles by clicking on the sunglasses as am sure you've already tried, my H is SEM. We usually post under recovery.I am the WS, from 4yrs ago and H just found out about 8-9 weeks ago. <BR>I understand your wife wanting to hang out with the girls at the clubs. It's fun and energetic. My H hated me going out, ecspecially without him. He seemed to busy for me, and when he wanted to spend time with me I didn't want him. I guess you feel like why should I give you my time, when you aren't giving me your time.<BR>I would suggest printing the emotinal needs questioner for the both of you to fill out. Start spending more time with your W. Like going to the movies, hiking, a picnic, just the two of you alone(that means no kids ) You could also offer to go out to the nightclubs with her and her friends sometimes. Another thing that has helped us is doing things as a family too.<BR>No matter what financial matters there are, your W is more important. You can do a great job paying the bills, but what good does it do you if you end up losing your family while you're buisy paying the bills. We were in your situation because my H kept putting my needs off because he was too buisy working to take care of bills. When he finally realized what the condition of the marriage was in he completely stopped working OT at work and we are still managing to take care of the bills, but more important our marriage is in a much better state than it has ever been. <BR>I wish you luck, and my prayers are with you. Sherry

Thank you all for responding I can't tell you all how much it helps. Just a quick update. We just went on a family vacation, which was planned for a while. My W and I were unsure we would make it through the trip. We both worked at making it work for the "Family" and found that we enjoyed each other's company again. We didn't have much time to be alone with the youngest being a Kling-on child. However, what we did get to share was wonderful. I haven't been able to make my W smile like this in a long time and it made me very happy to see her glowing smile. My W has been very reluctant to accept gifts, flowers etc.. lately due to one of our arguments; but I was able to give her a small gift (which again made me happy) on the trip which she accepted and acknowledged. Things are far from perfect but we are taking it a step at a time and so far, we are moving in the right direction. We have had most of our arguments while out alone since we are both very conscious of the children. This has made it difficult to go out and just be together but she is considering an offer I made for a date this weekend. This shows promise. I know I will be back with updates and questions (probably under Emotional Needs) . Thank you all again, I do appreciate your feed back and sharing... I look forward to being active in the groups. I also look forward to new beginnings.