WHY ARE we the strong ones? You know, while the WS is happily married to the perfect person who looks great and is apparently a great housekeeper and cook and everything else, and has money to go with it. WHY do I have to appear happy and content and everything else every day? Why can't I have a bad day every now and then...because if I do it's like the end of the world for my kids. WHY is there not time for me to fall apart and have a nervous breakdown like WH did before our D? WHY do I have to appear like I'm just fine and dandy with being single when every night I long to be held close and touched? WHY did this have to happen to me????
KK

You keep a stiff upper lip because you're Mom. Because it devastates a child's world even more if they find that Mom is scared, lonely, and/or sad. Children don't understand it and when they're old enough to really understand, it still upsets them and scares them.

Therefore, we are the strong ones. (Sometimes, it's dad who's the strong one.) But, at least on parent must be stable, strong, confident. In your case that's you.

When the kiddies are all out for overnights at friends, you have my permission to throw a complete nervous breakdown. Or drink yourself silly. Or even go out and drag home the first attractive man if that's what you want.

And one day, when your children start getting married, you'll be glad you were strong. A friend on mine, her parents got divorced when she was a pre-teen. There were four children in the family. The youngest is now 32. Not one is married. That's why you are strong now.

And no it's not a bit fair.

Wow, how did he married OW before you were divorced? See your tag for details.

Yes, Green Gables, he did get married before the divorce was final. It is a felony in TX, and I did bring it up with the judge during my DV, but usually they don't do much about it. Oh well!

Thanks for the reply, i enjoyed reading it.
KK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Or drink yourself silly. Or even go out and drag home the first attractive man if that's what you want </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm really not sure how this would truly help anyone feel better?? Sure, at the moment, but when the moment has passed and the drunkeness or "fling" is over...

KK... you can not be perfectly strong all the time. I noticed your Bible verse and want to encourage you to allow the Lord to be your strength. ("Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.")

Don't "drown your sorrows" in drunkeness or flings with men or any other cheap substitute that gives pleasure for a moment but in the end, only leaves greater hurts. Instead, cry your heart out to the Lord... the ONLY one who can truly, truly get you through the pain in your heart. Seek Him daily.

Be honest with your children. Tell them when you are having a difficult time and just need to lie down or be alone or cry (I don't know how old they are... if they are old enough, you can tell them this and they will understand). Some things that have helped me when I am grieving are writing in my journal (I'll write prayers and thoughts), listening to uplifting Christian music, praying and being in the Word (the best thing that helps me), giving myself to others through ministry which helps me take my eyes off myself so I do not stay in my self-pity which is a constant battle, worshipping the Lord at church and fellowshiping with others,exercising, playing with my dog, praying for others. Maybe your church can help you with childcare or in other ways that might relieve some of the stress you face as a single parent. There are many ministries for single parents.

I know that the pain you feel is at times unbearable. There is no quick fix or easy way out of it either. But you can know that the Lord can help you through this as you seek Him, trust Him, and cry out to Him.

Here is a BEAUTIFUl, uplifting "movie" that will minister to you. (There are other movies when this one is done.... watch them too.) Make sure you have your sound on. www.interviewwithgod.com

As you watch, be reminded that God loves you ("I have loved you with an everlasting love"), He is near you ("He is close to the bronkenhearted"), and He will never leave you ("I will never leave nor forsake you.")

Wait upon the Lord. He will be your strength and will give you the grace to help you endure each day.

<small>[ October 09, 2003, 02:17 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Love My Ex,
Thanks for the uplifting reply. I do try to stay in the Word daily, though when things get hectic it's the first to go. I need to prioritize and make sure God gets my first. The few times I have journaled really helped me, so I need to get back to that too! Thanks so much for reminding and encouraging me.
I know things will get better.
KK

Love My Ex, Lighten up. I wasn’t seriously suggesting that these would make KK feel any better than a nervous breakdown. I was joking, fully confident that she would catch my meaning.

Kay - Hey - I know exactly how you feel - Overwhelmed is the word that comes to mind for me - money, kids, stress, housework, yardwork, regular work, homework - basically it is all work and we are the ones doing it... But you know what - would you have it any other way... You are entitled to have those blah low days - I pretty much think that everyone does... I am sure your kids know that you are hurt and I am sure they would not get so upset if every once in awhile you were not extremely joyful... Now - I think that you need to do some things for yourself --- You need to go out with friends, date - etc... Something just for you - that is going to bring a geniune smile to your face.... And as for your ex living the perfect life - well I would just think - "what comes around goes around and someday he will get his" --- I mean think about it - he has already lost his relationship with his kids.... And that should be his top priority.... Everyone tells me one day I am going to wake up happy and thank my ex for doing this to me - and I will be better off in the long run - so you my friend -- start looking at life that way.... Mimi

KK:
With regards to your children, I think you can let them know when you are hurting and why. They are children, but they are also your family. They are not so young that they could not provide comfort and understanding to you and each other. It goes both ways. They don't suddenly become care givers suddenly at 21 without having had some experience at it as they were growing up.

Early on in the separation, my WW began sleeping at OM's apt. This hurt me so bad, I couldn't eat or sleep. My WW always hid this from everyone, including my D but she did tell D she was "hanging out" with a good friend. I had verified that my suspicions were true. WW told my D OM was just a close friend and that I was jealous for no reason. My D was always angry with me and our relationship strained. I didn't tell my D what was going on because I thought I had to be strong and protect her from that. S.Harley told me to reveal the affair and tell my D too. When I told my D, she teared up and said deep down she knew.

Quickly after that, my D's and my relationship greatly improved. She opened up to me and became much happier. She enjoys that she is helping me through my pain. I don't down her mother, but I don't cover up the truth from my D anymore including when I feel bad. That's what family is for. Since then, my daughter tells me about problems with her boyfriend and others. Our relationship now is good for both of us. I still have to let her know I am the parent from time to time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Because it devastates a child's world even more if they find that Mom is scared, lonely, and/or sad.
Far from it. It shows them that parents are human and it's okay to have feelings and express them. This is something which will help them when THEY are adults.

Children don't understand it and when they're old enough to really understand, it still upsets them and scares them.
And children shouldn't ever get upset or scared?
As a parent is up to us to show them how to handle situations and not pretend they don't exist.

All this being said, you don't want to freak out & go crazy around them. But a little sadness & even crying a bit aound them is okay & even good in the long run. But it should not be everyday, all day.

Monty,
I think you can let them know when you are hurting and why.
Absolutely!

They are not so young that they could not provide comfort and understanding to you and each other
This is where it gets a bit tricky. They are still the children and yes they can provide some comfort but under no circumstances should you let them assume the role of "caregiver" of your emotions.
You do NOT pour your heart out to them, especially about the other parent.
IF you do, then they get confused about the role of parents/children (in the long run).

As I see it we have a far bigger role as a parent than some seem to think. You raise them and teach them how to be responsible, caring people. Teach them everything you know. Then you boot them out and let them take on the world.
If they are coddled and shielded from all the hurt and scares of the world as children, they are not going ot know how to handle a situation as an adult.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(((((((((KK2002))))))))))))

I feel for you and totally understand but don't under-estimate your children. I at first tried to shield my children and my youngest actually yelled at me and told me to stop acting like everything was okay all the time. He wanted to be there for me and I wouldn't allow him to because I wouldn't let him in. I re-adjusted my way of thinking and let him see me sad now and again and we have become better for it.

I agree it is a fine line and the age of your children does make a difference. I think it does teach them that sometimes life does throw you a curve ball and you need to lean on family when needed. I always told my children that family is very important and know they see that that is true.

Don't be so hard on yourself and let your children help you in small ways. It makes them feel important and the bond will be magical.

LJ1122

Chris, in defense of my reply, KK was asking why she wasn’t entitled to lose it and have a nervous breakdown. An emotional breakdown or mental breakdown is never okay for children to witness. And there is nothing in that kind of frightened, lonely, scared out of your gourd illness that’s healthy for children.

Just ask the child of a depressed parent what it was like. They saw that their parent had feelings. But the parent wasn’t there for them. It is scary.

It’s not that our children don’t see that we’re occasionally anxious, worried, sad, mad or glad. But, as parents, I firmly believe we are NOT entitled to emotionally lean on our children or over burden our children.

And children, dear little things they are, want to fix things so Mommy and Daddy can be their happy selves again.

And remember this situation. Their father remarried BEFORE he divorced their mother. A situation where a stable mother is a huge blessing.

As to shielding children... Has anyone here children who haven't experienced the pain of hte world? Is there any way possible to save them hurt when we divorce? Of course not. In fact, I'd say we should go to legnths to shield them from additional discomfort resulting from the divorce.

There's plenty of other stuff that out there that we must let them experience, like the consequences of bad behavior, failure, the hurt of losing a friend or a boy or girlfriend, and change in general.

These are of course only my own parenting beliefs, and are subject to change as my children themselves change.

One of my values is meeting life's challenges with an upbeat, positive, can-do attitude. So that's what I show my children.

<small>[ October 09, 2003, 02:35 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

gg,
I agree with you.

But, as parents, I firmly believe we are NOT entitled to emotionally lean on our children or over burden our children.
I said that in my previous reply.

There are more than 2 option of having a nervous breakdown or being little Miss Perrfect. And as a parent you shouldn't pretend to your kids that these are the only 2 available (or even that you have to be one or the other).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong>[b][b]

You do NOT pour your heart out to them, .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris:
Sorry if I was misleading about comfort and understanding. I don't really mean poor out my troubles on her or expect her to make it all better. But if she saw me moping she definately helped my mood and my attitude by saying things like "Hey dad, lets go to a movie" or "Tonight, I'll do the cooking for you" or talk to me about where she wants to vacation and what she wants to do. I know sometimes she is doing it to cheer me up and it does. Her love for me makes me feel good and want to suck it up and carry on for her; my family.

You know what I think guys? I think we all pretty much agree. And I’ll bet dinner that KK doesn’t really need our advice. She’s probably been doing everything we suggested anyway.

And I apologize for being defensive. I was feeling misunderstood after LoveMyEx thought I was seriously suggesting KK pick up men or drink herself silly.

<small>[ October 10, 2003, 01:38 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Thank you, friends, for all of the time you took to reply to my post. I am feeling better about everything, and I just thank God that I don't have many days like this. My kids can always tell when I'm a little down, and they are very understanding and generally go out of their way to make things better for me. They have recently begun seeing their father again, and this is something new I'm having to deal with. But, really, when it comes down to it, it's not about ME anymore, or my ex. It's mostly about my kids, and how they're going to come out of this. Time enough for me later. Best thing for me is to keep busy and focus on good things, especially the grace of God, which is getting me through this.
God bless you all for your posts.
KK