I need opinions on how to handle a situation.

My WW and I have been separated for 8 months now, we are sharing custody of my 16 yr old D. My WW who lives in her own residence alone is in an affair for almost 5 months now. I am in Plan B since July and the upcomming holidays will be the first during separation.

Every year at my house we have a family reunion for all of my family (about 40 people). My D is insisting that I invite my WW to it because she wants to spend Thanksgiving with her mother, we are not divorced and she is still part of the family and last, because it is still part my WW's house too.

Am I right in refusing to allow my wife to come while her affair continues? I am going allow my D to spend Thanksgiving with her mother, but if she chooses to do so, it can't be at my house. What are your thoughts and suggestions?

Monty- Plan B is Plan B. Let your daughter spend holiday with W, but explain to D that you are having NC with W to protect the love you still have with her. Then try to have a great day.

The holidays are coming, YUCK!

I would think that having the WW over would only make the holiday uncomfortable and possibly ruin it.

But I'm not sure as far as the decision of who your D should spend it with. That is your decision.

I tend to agree. Then danger much more about how your daughter would construe having Mom back in the house and playing happy families.

I've been guilty of that myself. And it wasn't until the MC told me that she often hears adults confessed to fantasies of their parents getting back together.

I was shocked because it was never, ever one of my fantasies. But I believe that in many people the desire for parents to reconcile is incrediably strong. And I see even my 4 year old try to manipulate my husband and me into being together again.

Meanwhile, it would be incredibly awkward for everyone adn probably ruin your Thanksgiving. Maybe you and your estranged wife can orchastrate the dinners so that your daughter can have dinner with one and dessert with the other.

That's what I do. I eat 2 thanksgiving dinners every year. Sometimes, when I was married, we were in three houses on one day.

Monty,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Am I right in refusing to allow my wife to come while her affair continues? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES ! You're smart to think this out now, before the REAL flurry of holiday activity starts. I also agree with everyone who's posted. Believer is new but already has the idea memorized! Plan B means you don't do holidays together. However, your daughter is a different story, and she might be caught in the middle. If you need to, offer Green Gables solution - let her have two family events (separate locations) on Thanksgiving. One with you and all the relatives, and one with her mother. Sometimes things like this could help the WS realize what they're missing...depends on the degree of fog they're in.

Monty:

I agree. Don't invite her. I doubt she'd come even if your D asked her 2... ...and she might have the unmitigated gall 2 bring her OM with her! Maybe a snowball's chance in the frying pan of Haydes of that happening, but it might not be zero. Minimize it by not risking a yucky sitch.

Take care,
-2long

Thanks for your replies, Believer, Eduard, GreenGables, Avondale and 2long.

I thought she would bring me down if WW came. She is bubbly gleeful. She would be this way with everyone while completely ignoring me. I would have ruined yet another holiday.

I like the GG suggestion to have my D spend part of the day with me and part with her mom. Again thanks for your valued opinions.

How I envy people like believer who are able to be pithy and succinct! And believer is 100% right.

I want to add, your D at 15 is learning how to be a woman and a wife. Do you want her to imitate her mom, to have an EMA, leave her family, betray her marriage vows and family?

It's your responsibility to set an important example for your D. If she sees that betrayal of marriage and family for another man is without bad consequences, it teaches her that she can do as she wishes.

My point isn't punishment of her mother. It is that if you betray your husband, you can't expect him to make it easy for you to pretend your actions are all right. Your D is already learning how a wife behaves. It's a lot easier to do something wrong when you've seen your parent doing that same thing.

If a parent smokes, but forbids the child to smoke, the child will begin by taking butts out of the ashtray and lighting up in secret. Once the child can figure out how to sneak a cigarette out of the pack without being obvious, by moving the other cigs forward so there isn't a hole, they will steal and smoke whole cigarettes. They find ways, they'll even put up with punishments to do what their parents are doing.

Don't share this with your daughter. Don't let her know that it's part of her education. She will argue with you. 15 year olds are notorious for believing that they are independent and not easily influenced. They don't like being "educated" by their parents.

Just know that you're teaching her by your decisions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bellevue:
<strong>How I envy people like believer who are able to be pithy and succinct! And believer is 100% right.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, Believer can see the woods through the trees. I still get confused at times with emotions vs. objective thinking.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I want to add, your D at 15 is learning how to be a woman and a wife. Do you want her to imitate her mom, to have an EMA, leave her family, betray her marriage vows and family?

It's your responsibility to set an important example for your D. If she sees that betrayal of marriage and family for another man is without bad consequences, it teaches her that she can do as she wishes.

My point isn't punishment of her mother. It is that if you betray your husband, you can't expect him to make it easy for you to pretend your actions are all right. Your D is already learning how a wife behaves. It's a lot easier to do something wrong when you've seen your parent doing that same thing.

Just know that you're teaching her by your decisions.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, I told my D that her mother is free to make her choices as long as she is willing to accept the consequences of that choice. I have told my D I would like her to spend at least part of the day with me and my family and if she wants to spend time with her mother she can share her time.