Haven't heard from pharm company...But I am working on it.

Totally down in the dumps b/c son is going out of town with jethro and OW, FV for a weekend of fishing and 3 wheeler riding. I know he's not alone with son as he's never done a boys' trip.

I am just depressed about the job thing. The loneliness thing. The being trapped in a city you don't want to live in thing.

Oh, found out that old job I used to have earlier this year...next person just quit (no re hire clause though in contract and I bet they are kicking themselves)..He had same issues as I had and he told them to fire the head nurse or he was outta there. So they fired him...

Only one for sure solid job lead. And it is nearby but there is some issues..one is the hours are longer..two is there will be call every other weekend. which I can't do and pretend to have any semblance of a life...plus if Jethro finds out I have emergency call, he could use it against me if I go for full custody next year.

And then came last night...went over to neighbors for dinner and came home...wanted to check voice messages on my phone and got this wierd recording from the phone company saying "we are sorry but you cannot access your messages from two places at once" or something like that. Turns out somebody was accessing my phone messages from the voice mailbox number, not my home phone number, and the dad gum phone company cannot trace who it was that called the voice mailbox as thousands and possibly hundreds of thousands call it during a day.

So I changed vmail access code this am. And then yesterday I get call while I am in bathtub from Jethro. He goes on and on but is speaking nicely for a change. Then he says he has "resentment" to me after all he had done. He then said he wished he didn't have it. And then he said "don't you wish you'd just signed the papers I gave you a year and a half ago?" "You'd have alot more money". I cried and cried after I got off the phone b/c it was never about money. It was about saving my family.

So I am down about that.

No word from the other interview the other day albeit going well.

I am going to get a job within the next week or so and will just settle if I have to but keep looking for the best job while I am working. I am scared, and tired. I just feel like being alone and crawling under the covers and doing not too much else.

No word from my friend on her family. Keep praying. I will call her later and see if she wants to go and work out.

For now, I have a horrible migraine headache that is too familiar to us having gone through hell of divorce and being a single parent who's wondering how they are going to make it.

Like GG's idea about having the breakdown when kids are gone...Do I have your permission to have it tonight after going to gym?

I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. This job search is really getting me down. I feel soooooo poopy. And off to the country goes Jethro and FV pretending to have some sort of a family vacation. Arrrrrrrrrgh.

I deserve the vacation. My son deserves it with me. I just want to cry.

Wish i was there to hug you. I'm not much help here, but just that your trying go out and do things shows alot.
It never is about the money, why the H's think so i'll never know. My H thinks its about the child support or the money i want or this, no, its about us as a family.
Heh you could be like me with no jobs skills what-so-ever and never had a job or went to college. Plus i have a couple of years reconstructive surgury that will prevent me from working, i also have a newborn baby.
Not that i'm worse off than you, at least my H has to pay, so in that for now i'm ok.
I hope for you to have a good evening. And also a great weekend.

Just goes to show you, Peachy, Jethro has sunk so low as to be unable to understand that anything other than greed or lust could have motivated you to resist the divorce. Or maybe he just knows that his sorry tush was not worth the effort you put into saving it.

Yes, you have my permission for a complete breakdown. My sister alots everyone 24 hours of pity party. After that, she wants to know what you plan to do to make your life better, give over him, get on with it. She's merciless, but as a cure or counter iratent, she really works.

I personally am moving furniture and masking walls preping to PAINT! Gives me a sense of accomplishment.

What are you doing Saturday night? If I can't find someone to got out with, I plan IM everyone on this board. Feel free to e-mail or IM me any time!

The phone company is unable to find out for me without a search warrant who was that called and accessed my voice mailbox. If the dummy had tried to access my phone messages using my code from another phone and not called the voice mailbox service, then they could trace it.

So I don't know for sure it was x that did that..but I have suspicion.

I am sad and yucky even after the workout. Yep. Endorphins are helping but not alot tonight. I am very tired and down.

Need tons of prayers.

GG, I sent you and email. You are soo sweet.

And JShaw, I posted to you. Stay strong. I have walked inyour shoes. Shoes don't feel good but over time you will find better ones ok? Focus on you and the kids and finding some solutions now.

I am still really sad that my son is in the company overnight of OW and Jethro. The idea of that trip, that "family trip" makes me wanna puke and puke and puke. I can't eat very much. I feel just rather poopy and more than down.

The whole depression thing started when the restraining order was lifted and now I have contact with him. He even tried to IM me about twelve noon today before he went out of town.

I know he's conflicted but I can't worry about what I cannot change or fix. All I can do is focus on me and my son and fixing this situation for us. I can't do anything about my x. He is on his path.

Like I posted to JShaw, I need to find Wifty's old post where the links to NPD are. I need to re understand what it is Jethro is going through and why I need to distance myself...

I still pray for him. Guess we all do for our x's. I pray hard. I pray he can somehow find God in his life and put aside his pride once and see where the real resentment lies..He resents himself. He in the past has gotten mad at me because I make him understand it's not me, it is him.

I need prayers this weekend as I am alone. Alone and worried about my boy. I hurt for what his little eyes see and his little heart feels. He is a beautiful and sensitive child. He misses his daddy and despises OW even though I do not teach him how to hate anybody. He sees OW as somebody that is taking his dad away from time with him.

I think that sooner or later they will backfire and hugely LB again. It is destined to happen. I remember "family" trips with Jethro and only one child. What would it be with two children? Bedlam. Unless one of FV's relatives is there or the outlaws are there to be a buffer zone. Jethro can't handle it. It would not at all be a romantic getaway with 2 small kids in tow...I know this.

And he wished me on the IM to have a good weekend. It's like he is thinking that I am having a good time and going out and all. For all he knows, I am. And I won't dispel his myth of my loving life..Even if I have to grin and bear it. Kinda like a distant Divorce busting 180 degree mentality. Show them their greatest fear...that you're getting on with life and looking' good in the process. That you are different and better.

His words about my wishing the finances were different and that I should've grabbed the money when I could did hurt yesterday. And I know that he is angry at himself. He is mad because I used the attorneys and because we went to court and he had to stand accountable for his sin. He blames me for not doing as he told me to do and blindly, without seeing any financial affidavits or statements, my family away and taking wht he offered. Nobody in their right mind would do that. I told him if he wwanted the divorce he'd have to produce the proper documentation like everybody else does...But then again, he doesn't think he is like everybody else. he's special..Thus he blames me for his having resentment.

I just pray that God reveals his sins to him and shows him a path to change. That's all I pray for. I don't pray for him to come back this way. I don't pray for him to come back at all unless he does the 180 also and finds God and admits his problems and gets help. But I know my God can do anything and I still pray..I move forward but I still pray.

Please pray for my job hunt. I am getting things done, but it's going slowly and I am getting discouraged. Please pray for the miracle I need right now. Pray like mad for that and for my little boy on a "vacation" with a whorish OW who is dead set on killing this family.

Buck up Peachy.
I can't believe I forgot to message you.
I was actually in Atlanta and thought of you as I was waiting in the airport. I could've met you.

Why don't you plan a trip to visit Philly to see GG & me. We could have a great girls weekend.
Think about it.

Interview tomorrow again! For another clinical position..But salary is good and in same range as before and small bonus.

Hours are early am with early pm (about three to three thirty) leaving and a 30 minute commute..

So right now I need that or something for sure until my other opportuities open up for me.

Please pray!

Also keep praying for my son and Jethro. This weekend I did some reading up and he definitely has NPD...Pray that God reveals to him he has a problem. And also in dealing with Jethro, he's dumped onto me probably ptsd. Result of the trauma and abuse. Keep praying for everybody.

If anybody thinks they are dealing with this type of person, get on Dr. Irene's website or "malignant self love" website. Very eye opening. I think alot of WS may suffer from this...And learned that they can potentially drive us over the edge also...

Praying harder than ever for clarity and guidance and relief from this stress and the reliving of the events...Some days I still wanna just hide under the covers and not come out.

Peachy,

In a growing number of your posts I see you wallowing in despair and self-pity. It is all about Jethro and what he's doing and what he's done to you and what he's doing to son and what FV is doing and saying and wearing and ...

I am writing to ask if you are talking to a professional counselor?

I see a very strong and intelligent woman back there in a shadows, hiding behind a victim mask. I'd like to see more of her, out here in the light. How about a week of ONLY positive posts with NO mention of J or FV or XIL's ... just you and your son and what great things you are doing because you can.