My h had and A for 2 years. d-day was 11/15/02. For most of the last year his job kept him in close contact with OW. She finally moved 5 hours away. However, he still has communication with her. She has laid a huge guilt trip on him. New place, new job, no friend, etc.... and it is supposed to be his fault. I suspected the continued communication and caught him. He was telling her that 'image was everything', and he wanted me and everyone else to feel like he had made a huge effort to reconcile. He also talked about a gift he had sent her recently. If you take away his continued phone conversations, we get along great, at least I think so. No fights, great sex, communication has gotten much better. He wants me to believe that the distance between them should make me happy and I should be more content. The phone conversation I overheard made me feel like I am still in the middle of an affair. we have 3 children 12,10,and 7. I have forgiven over and over again. He continues to find excuses for communicating. My question - how do you know when to throw in the towel if everything else seems to be getting better and you don't want to hurt the kids, but he doesn't seem to have the guts to put an end to the relationship with OW. I feel like to stay in the marriage is like sticking my head in the sand. But I really don't want out. I am afraid that separation will only cause even deeper wounds that will eventually have to heal. Any suggestions? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm not great on this because I haven't been there. BUT, maybe he's really lying to other woman. Just a thought. And follow your instincts.

First off, don't be fooled by the distance factor. Absence can make the heart grow fonder. And today there are so many ways to keep in touch-email, cell phone, calling card etc.

He will continue to sit on the fence and eat his cake until there are true consequences. How you go about this though is your decision.

You'll know when it's time to throw in the towel if it ever gets to that point. No one else will be able to determine that for you.

Most people don't have the guts to put an end to the relationship. They are weak, that is why the A occurred and continues to go on. Until there is a reason to end it, why would they?

Separation brings about a certain reality to both parties. My WW separated immediately after I found out. Everyone fears separation. It's almost a test run to see if that is what both of you want and it can backfire.

Are you doing Plan A? If so for how long and how much longer can you take it? Plan B is when you have done Plan A for as long as you can and you don't want to lose those love units deposited for either of you.

Be strong and do what is in your best interest.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by motherjane22:...He was telling her that 'image was everything'...No fights, great sex, communication has gotten much better...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">be patient!
and let him working on 'that image' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for the input. I feel like if I don't follow through with something more drastic - like separation- he won't ever truly feel the need to stop the communication with OW. She calls him all the time, and I am tired finding out, accepting his lame excuses to only find out they have talked again. I've been putting up with excuse after excuse for nearly a year. He says he doesn't want me to leave and I don't really want to leave but I'm ready to get off this merry-go-round. I'm finding that my self-respect is getting very low because I feel like I am letting myself be used as a doormat. I guess my gut feeling is that it is time to try something new. Maybe it will push his reality button? Another thought - how do I deal with the extreme dislike that I feel toward the OW? I can't stand the thought of her ever having ANYTHING to do with my children!!! I have told him that I would make sure the kids grew to hate her as much as I do. They currently don't know about A, but do know the OW and know that mom dislikes her.

Redhat once told me that Plan A is like a roller coaster, you constantly go up and down and you feel like throwing up.

I guess when you're tired of throwing up enough you'll finally get off or do something different.

I know in my situation, I had to do something more drastic to prove my point or face the possibility of being walked all over again and again.

There is a good book out called Boundaries I recommend. I myself have had my weak points, but I'm working on being strong and standing firm.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how do I deal with the extreme dislike that I feel toward the OW? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a tough one. Personally I try not to hate anyone, even the OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> To hate someone for me would only make me more miserable. I'm sure she doesn't care for you or what you think of her so it's a moot point. To use children as a tool to propagate that hate may not be healthy for the children.

Best of luck and God bless!