Last night my daughters told me that their mom (my multiple affair xWW) had been crying because she got one of her 'reality attacks' regarding the harm she had done to them (and to me) while we were married. What is strange is that just prior to my divorce from her, my bitterness and resentment towards her was at an all time high that I wished that one day she would suffer as much as she had made us suffer, BUT upon hearing, instead of joy all I felt was sadness for her. George Herbert was definitely right when he said 'Living well is the best revenge' BUT revenge fulfilled can be terribly bitter as well.

I hear you TMCM...

I have not seen the remorse at all from my ex. She is living her life as if there is no tomorrow. I remember when all I wanted was for her to feel a bit of what I or my children felt. But I know that with her base of security, she would be crushed if she felt even a tenth of what we have felt.

She said at the end that the reason was my 'controlling' everything. She couldn't go out and 'buy a pair of shoes' (had electric bill due without the funds) etc. But she has been making her own decisions lately, and I think that they are about ready to bite her. I am definitely NOT looking forward to it, although I know that it will be 'All my fault' anyway, it will be because of her choices that she has put herself in this position all on her own, and will be responsible to get herself out should she choose.

I doubt that my ex has the depth of character to actually feel very badly about her choices. She is expert at putting it on someone else. But her finances because of her choices will hurt her where her vanity lies. THAT is going to be about as much 'revenge' as there will ever be. And I don't want it. I did before... but not now.

Coffeeman,

Well, now you know. Even if one does get a sense of vindication, it is a very shallow and a very fleeting sensation. And as in your case, followed by a sense of sadness. I'm glad you posted it here.

I made the mistake on another thread of using the word gloat, and really starting something. There isn't much you can do about it, it is one of those things where we eventually accept those things we cannot change. Then you can put the matter to rest and go on with the process of raising and educating your daughters.

You have made a giant step in the healing process. Very shortly, you will come to a sense that the rest of this isn't about you, it is about doing the best you can for your children, no matter what it takes.

The only thing you can do now, is be their dad. It looks like you are pretty well on that track.

TMCM,

From reading your posts over the past you haven't
tried to make her 'pay' --and that to me is what revenge is--wanting to hurt them the same way or worse than they have hurt you--

It doesn't sound like you were out for revenge--
but just wanted her to feel the pain you have felt
inside..which isn't about revenge--it's about her suffering the consequences of her actions..which is what it sounds like is happening--

And because you still care about what happens to her--it hurts to see her have to go through this--
alone..and your not being there for her the way you had always been in the past..

Yeah TMCM,

I would characterize "revenge" as consciously making efforts to inflict pain on someone as a result of pain they inflicted on you.

I don't think you have gotten revenge on her...like the others said, revenge seems more like you doing actions trying to make the other one pay.

My X has no remorse in what he did to me & still doing to his son. kept hoping that one day MOW will do to him what he did to me.I wanted him to feel the pain of having someone you love, cheat and lie to you. We moved & have no contact with him, which has helped heal the pain. My life now is taking care of my son alone. X now takes care of OW 3 boys in another state. I gave up long ago about him having feelings of guilt.

TMCM-

Know exactly how you feel. I start to feel terrible when I find myself enjoying life
and that I see her just meddling thru it.
I keep reminding myself (With your advise by the way) "This woman doesn't love me, this woman chose this path, this woman doesn't love me."
Then I don't feel so bad. My children bring me such great joy and I try and focus on that.

Rly

Exactly.......My EX calls me all the time....Im remarried. She sounds to pitiful. Whenever I pick up my children or drop them off to her, I see that she has been crying. This didnt really start until a few months after our divorce. I feel real DOWN and SAD for her when I see her like this. Then I also remember how she kicked me out, got a lawyer, started hanging with her OM all the time and then signed the papers and move on.......and I cheer back up and feel blessed to be with the woman I married and to still have my children in my life.

ThornedRose, Eduard, and hoping4best you are all correct about revenge in the literal sense of the word BUT I guess I felt (emphasizing 'felt') bad because of what I wished for her during the short period of anger and bitterness, and how my wish became a reality. BUT my rational side does indeed tell me that what she experienced was a delayed reaction to the consequences of her behavior which includes the realization of my second marriage to a much healthier and loving woman and which would not have taken place if she had acknowledged her problem and sought the help she needed during our marriage.

Well TMCM you can't blame yourself just because your tuition came into existence. I'm sure we all have our "wishes" and they don't always come true. It just happens that yours did in this particular case.

Just like if you wished for reconciliation and it came true, surely you shouldn't have felt bad if that happened.

TMCM:
I was lurking a bit, and found this thread interesting.
All I ever wanted from my ex, was to just hear her say once that she realised what pain and hurt she caused me by her choices she made at the time. I never really wanted revenge as such, just for her to be jolted into reality by her wonderful OM dumping her. I think though, that the way they rationalise everything that happens to them,means they lose whatever lesson there might be in there for them.
Starting Over:
Just a thought-- don't allow yourself to be too "moved" by your ex's pitiful behaviour or tears- they may just be tools in the armoury of manipulation- my ex went through a phase like this when I was particularly happy with a partner. It wasn't genuine. May or may not be. Just a thought.

Muzohead