My husband and I have been married for 26 years - most of it pretty miserable. For the first 4 years we were married he drank and was physically abusive to me (hit me and broke my front 4 bottom teeth one time) . He went into treatment for alcoholism and wasn't abusive after that but was sullen and crabby and pretty difficult to live with. I made a poor choice 15 years ago and had a brief affair which I am sure added to the unhappiness of our marriage. Then about 6 years ago when our kids were grown up and money was no longer an issue things changed. He quit being crabby, we started doing things together and for a while I thought I was actually happily married. Now I am not sure. I contacted my former lover about 10 months ago - we emailed each other for a few months and met for coffee once but nothing more than that. We are no longer in contact. Here's my problem - if I was so happily married why did I contact him? Now I am doing some soul searching about my marriage and I am finding that there really isn't any intimacy in it. Sure we talk, sure we have sex but none of it is of substance. My H is willing to try some of the things on this site but I am thinking that I just want out. ON the other hand I know that it would be a drastic life change for me. I am the breadwinner financially in our partnership so I will be ok in that area if I leave. What I want to know is if there are other women out there who left their marriage of 20+ years. How did you make that decision? Would you leave again? How did you feel the first time you heard your exH was with another woman? Thanks for any help you can give me.

Welcome. And thanks for the candid post.

My only answer is what can it hurt to try this?
It's scary getting intimate again. Making yourself vulnerable.

BUT fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood or unappreciated, fear that after a lot of work it still doesn't feel happy is no excuse.

Think of how you'll have to pay alimony if you need motivation.

While you're thinking about this, pledge to not contact the OM at all, including e-mails. Try not to think about him.

I also think it becomes clear if one or both partners is unwilling to put the energy into the relationship.

And this approach is so much nicer, cleaner, more results oriented than most Marriage Counseling. So give it a try.

Say, try it for 6 months. And I mean whole heartedly try. Half trying doesn't work. If after 6 months, you still have no hope then come ask the same question again.

Try posting on EN. Lots of activity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />