Well, its almost a year since my wife's brief EA. I have now come to see that I probably blew things out of proportion somewhat, and, in most respects, we are getting along fine.<P>However, I am still having a really hard time trusting her.<BR>I feel this almost constant urge to check up on her email, since that's how they passed messages to each other. Sometimes I can resist it, but other times I can't. She knows I have been snooping, and it makes her mad (of course) and this is stopping us reconnecting completely.<P>From my intermittent snooping I know they are still in contact, but the content of the messages is entirely innocent. She went for a trip to a family wedding a couple of weeks ago and saw him a couple of times while she was there too, but has been very honest about that to me. I think I have come to accept that she needs this contact and I so want to trust her to keep it low-level, but I'm having a hard time bringing myself to do that.<P>She has spoken to her sister about my snooping and she says I'm the one with the problem. Am I just paranoid, or is my snooping justified? How can I rebuild my trust in her?

Seagull, all I can do is put myself in your shoes and tell you how I would feel if this happened to me. I've had my husband lie to me and seriously violate my trust, and he has (thankfully) been wonderful while we've been rebuilding trust together. <P>It is her who should be worried about rebuilding your trust. Of course you are having a hard time trusting her, she violated your trust in a major way. Even though I've tried to blame myself for having trouble trusting my husband, he is hurt that I would even think that. He knows that it was his doing that broke my trust, and it's his responsibility to build it back up again.<P>It is completely inappropriate for her to still be in contact with him. She is your wife, she should not be doing things that she knows will upset you. Sometimes you can't help some contact. That's understandable, and it should always be totally open with you. If she's not doing anything wrong, she shouldn't mind you looking. Clue #1 for me that I'm doing something wrong is if I'm afraid someone will find out. <P>Why does she need this contact with him? If she has a need, she should come to you first and allow you the chance to fill it. <P>And she should not be discussing anything about your marriage that you haven't discussed together first. That is another violation of trust. I would not tell anyone about problems my husband and I have had, even on semi-anonymous forums, without first discussing the problem with him and asking him if it's ok for me to ask others for advice. That is just something you do when you love someone.<P>One of the things that helps me build trust in my husband again is when he makes sure to do everything he says he will. It seems to me that if he cares about honoring his word in small things, he will do it in the big things, too. Before when he said he would take out the garbage or something, he would often forget to do it. It never made me mad, I married him full well knowing that he's a little absent-minded. I think it's cute, and I don't mind doing things myself anyway. But after he lied to me and my trust in him was hurt, when he says he's going to take out the garbage, he does it. Every time he does a small thing he promised to do, I feel more of his love for me and he regains more of my trust. I even tell him that he doesn't need to be so strict about it, it's ok if he tells me he ran out of time, etc. But he just looks at me and says "No, it's not ok, especially not right now. I want you to know I'll do what I say". <P>If he told me I was "the one with the problem" because I didn't trust him after this, our marriage would be over. Even if I *was* being a little over-sensitive about it, a person who loves me will try to help me, not gossip to someone about it.