ya know chris, your circumstances are pretty unusual, and I wonder about you from time to time
Hey, I wonder about me too from time to time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have you ever actually figured out why your wife just vanished?
Not really. I guess I could make some pretty edumacated guesses.

I know she had at least 3 affairs over the years and possibly 3 more. The last one was the "serious" one though.

The (possible) 1st one was only a few months after we got married and she was overseas without me (military).
So I believe she left because of guilt through the years.

Yes, she was a conflict avoider.

Anyways, what a bummer to be left with no explanation, or even warning apparently. On the other hand, no conflict has it's benefits too I guess.
Yeah but no conflicts is part of the problem. I sometimes envy people here who DO have some conflict. At least SOMEHTING gets said by each party. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I THINK MY EX AND I ARE PRETTY GOOD FRIENDS. WE COMMUNICATE ON EVERY ISSUE, WHEN IT COMES TO THE KIDS. DON'T GET ME WRONG ..... I STILL HAVE MY BIG DISAGREEMENTS WITH HIM, BUT OVERALL, WE ARE FRIENDS.
MAKES THINGS A LOT EASIER FOR MY BOYS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We didn't have kids and were only married 3.5 years. I'm 35, she's 30.

While it's hard to let go of the person that was my best friend for 7 years, I don't see any point in remaining friends. Best friends don't lie and cheat... if your best same sex friend lied to you all the time, would you still be friends?

After 8 months of separation and my stbxw dragging her feet through the divorce process, she still lies to me about all sorts of things. Makes it kind of easy to not regret getting divorced. (I only talk with her if its about the divorce settlement, and that's not very often).

Once our divorce is final, I'll think about her and wonder about her, but I don't have any interest in maintaining a friendship. What's the point? I'm closing that chapter in my life and cherishing the phenomonal number of good times and moving on from the horrific ending she created.

When people ask what happened, I just say "She made many, many horrible decisions that terminated my ability to be married to her." If friends from her past call the house looking for her (which is always shocking and STILL happens), I just tell them we're split up and you should probably have her explain why (knowing they'll never get the truth).

I also think not being friends/friendly with an ex helps in future relationships with new people. Some people can do it. I can't.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

I think of my relationship with my XH as a business relationship-we were in the business of rearing our son. He would have liked to think of us as friends, but since the reason I divorced him is that he beat me up, I figure he made himself my enemy in the most direct and primitive way possible. Yes, I can be cordial to him in public, and he to me, but I am glad our son is grown and we can avoid each other for the most part. Still, there will probably be a wedding, christenings, and that sort of stuff to get through.

Oh, well, I chose him and had a kid with him, for whatever idiot reason, so I have to live with the consequences. Fortunately, I actually like my son (in addition to loving him), so it was worth it.

BTW, I did bad mouth him for a few years post divorce, and learned a sad lesson. He always spoke highly of me in public, even while behaving in an ugly and threatening way to me in private. We met many of the same people (at different locations) after our divorce, because the 30 something single community in this town is not that large. Guess who came off looking nicer than guess who else? Don't bad mouth your ex is my advice. Say as little as possible. As someone once said, if you only have nice things to say about other people, when you don't have anything to say at all, it will speak volumes. Wish I had learned that in time.

If this marriage does indeed end in divorce. I can be civil because, as it has been pointed out by others, there is not point in hostility when so many financial issues and child issues need to be discussed from time to time.

But I could not be friends with someone I have no respect for. A friend would not cheat me, be disloyal, lie to me or deceive me with half truths. A friend would be considerate of my feelings and treat me with respect.

Therefore, unless there is a profound change in my WW and maybe STBX for the better, I could not count her as a friend. I would have to really lower my standards to accept such a person as a friend. I hope that what I see in her is only the FOG and that lost in it is a good person. But at this point I cannot tell.

It's true when they say love is blind! Since exh and I dvd I have seen him in a whole new light. He is not someone I would be friends with had we not been married (if he showed his true self from the beginning). exh did a great job hiding his true self during our dating years and short married years. My exh is very materialistic, showy and extremely fake. Seeing him just nauseates me. I thank god every day I don't have kids with this man and never have to deal with him again.

Bitter - sure, but I'm also looking with eyes wide open!

Jen, the way your H reacts...don't let it change the way you behave towards him. Stay warm, calm and understanding no matter what he says or does. Like a benevolent mother when her child is throwing a tantrum. The more ugly he gets, the calmer you should get. See each episode as an opportunity to practice. Be "above" his behavior. Be the adult. Later, when the divorce is long over, you can take pride in that, and he can't have anything bad to say about how you conducted yourself. He may have PLENTY to say about your lawyer, though!