Last night my brother Adam (10 yrs younger than me) sent me an EM. He finally told me how pissed off he's been at me over this big argument with my mom. I think the truth is that he is upset to see us yelling, he was hoping things were all fixed, and was disillusioned by the fact that they are very far from being OK.<P>In the EM he was parroting phrases only my mother would use. Not that you don't pick stuff up from your parents, but come on - have you ever heard of a 16 yr old boy using the term <I>"elderly houseguest"</I>? He used the term to describe the OM's mother who between my mom and brothers they'd decided that she was a wicked witch,,, now all of a sudden she's a elderly houseguest. Hmmm..... And he used a bunch of other phrases that might as well have been my mom standing over his shoulder telling him what to write.<P>Jason went as far as to say that he thinks my mother actually wrote it under his EM.<P>Well fine if SHE'S mad at me. Fine and dandy, she's gotta save face somehow after all the sh*t she's pulled, might as well put her gameface on. Adam is very impressionable and easily manipulated. He's my brother, I have known him all his life, I've seen him fall prey to Mom's pity parties. He sees her cry and be all upset over stuff, she tells him what a mean, cruel world/daughter/boss/husband/boyfriend she has to deal with. He finds it easier to agree with her than risk her wrath or rejection <I>(dingdingding MY big mistake here)</I> by pointing out the obvious to her - things she has done to bring a horrible situation upon herself. He ends up feeling really sorry for he and takes her side. The inner workings of this situation are so familliar to me becasue I have played Adam's role a hundered times if I've played it ten. <P>She has bred into us the mindset that if you don't agree with what she's saying 95 - 100% then you are NOT on 'her side' and you are <I>against</I> her and will stop at nothing to destroy her. It is disgusting that she has to use the love and minds of my brothes to prove a point. <P>Anyone could read all of this and think, well, gee, Carrie, maybe MAYBE you really <B>ARE</B>wrong and you're just casting your mother as the manipulative woman with a flagrant narcissisitc/hysterionic personality disorder becasue you can't own up to what YOU have done wrong. I hope whoever reads this believes me when I say that I have spent hours on many many long night shifts pondering my role in all of this. What I would change about what I did is an ever shifting idea. <P><B>1)</B> First of all, I wouldn't have allowed her to push my buttons so well on the Lie Call. I would have just been calmly blunt with her and ended the conversation without hanging up. <P>But I did what I did. I did hang up on her a few times. Jason even told her 'now is not a good time.' She persisted in a manner that I can only call harrassment! <P><B>2)</B> I could have just agreed to have her boyfriend and his mom come over my house that time. Later, she told me she could not come herself as the doctor told her not to drive for over 30 min (it was a 45 min drive with no traffic). We could have compromised. But she never said a word about that, only insisted that they come too. Besides I offered to meet her somewhere as a way to get together. Not good enough. <P>But I was not willing to have them over my house, damnit. I was bleeding like a stuck pig, breastfeeding, my house was a mess, my face was still puffy as a marshmallow, I was exhausted. <P>On top of that, no, I did NOT want to meet another one of her lacky sugar daddies - every one of them has been GROSS made my stomach turn etc, and she always tries to get me to like them to soften up to them. And just when I do then BAM! They turn into assholio and show us their srtong affinity for cocaine, alcohol, choking her nearly to death, using her as a punching bag, beating my *ss, back and legs until I have bruises and welts so bad I cant freakin walk, calling names, cheating on her, lying, treating my BROTHERS like sh*t, and those are just the <I>charming</I> aspects of their personalities so far. <P>I'm supposed to believe that <B>THIS[b] guy is [b]DIFFERENT![b] Well, so was my 1st stepdad. So different that he put her in the hospital and we had to spend a few nights in a woman's shelter (for real this time.) It didn't get too much better with the next two after that. Not to mention all the boyfriends in between.<P>[b]3)</B> I shouldn't have yelled at her the last itme I stayed there. I should have just packed my bags quietly and left quietly. I should have done this in the middle of the night. What I didn't say would have been heard. I remind people here of that all the time but forget it myself that silence speaks the loudest at times. But again, I let her push my buttons again. I guess I really did not want to leave without at least saying ONE thing to her face to face about her 6 month silence and how unfair she's been all these years. She's the type that just would have blown it off had I not said a word. <P>Thru all this, I can't help but wonder what loverboy thinks about the fact that she was not there for the birth, didn't talk to us for all that time, and now I left again. I'm sure she found a way to blame it all on me. <P>Anyway, those are the things I wonder about. I'm not sure how different the outcome would have been, but I do know that we would still be faced with the same problems. Nothing would have gotten any better or snuck away. <P>I do not know how to address this new EM from my brother. I don't know how to tell him how I feel without saying what he will consider to be mean stuff about mom, without putting him on the spot for being manipulated... etc. I am a little pissed at him too for not being able to see how she's using him too, I think he's just taking the easy way out to please her like a little lap dog that she's turned him into. Brian, my other brother has barely spoken to me thru all this. <P>God I just get SOOOOOO MAD! I can hear the things she is saying to them 70 miles away! I know becasue I have LIVED IT! I can just hear it. You know when you know a person well enough that you know what their next response will be to a comment or a question or a situation? That's how close we are ... or were. But it's over now and now I'm the target of this kind of behavior.<P>I'm still considering giving her shrink a call. Really considering it. Screw the letter to her, she'll laugh and rip it up, thinking haha I got her. Goddamn, I feel like I'm 15 again. I'm so tired of playing into this. I want it to stop once and for all, I want the ball to be in MY court and for my serve to count. Unless I hear a really good reason NOT to I am going to call this shrink today. I have had it. She is not going to take my brothers away from me. I have taken care of them from the time they were newborns until they were old enough to do it all themselves and I still want to be there for them. I'm afraid this will be the end of us. <P>Am i NOT taking enough responsibility??? Am I not seeing something here? BE BRUTAL!!!! IM CLUELESS!!! I can't figure it out. Will calling her shrink do any good - he'd hear my side of it? SHould I just sit here and do nothing? <P>JL, NB, K anyone - I know this isn't the usual business here, but I am at a loss. I need a cryingface.<P>Carrie <BR>

Khyra:<P>I'd probably email your brother back, letting him know how much you appreciate his desire to keep the peace. Letting him know how much you love him.<P>Also let him know that the issues between you and Mom aren't his fault at all. <P>Other than that, let it all go. No calls. No other mention of the issue to your brother. Nothing. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she can still push your buttons.<P>

And if you want to see your brother, could you make plans to meet away from your mother?

Khrya,<P>(Carrie) K is right. That email to your brother would be an excellent idea. However, the issue between you and your Mother your brother will never fully understand. For, one thing he won't give birth you her Grandchild. For, another thing he is a boy and is probably treated a little different to some extent (He is not competiion. )<P>You need to just let it go. She isn't going to change and what is done is done. You have no obligation to raise her, educate her, or make her choices for her (although, she would do well to listen to you). She won't listen, nor will she respect you. Something may change her, but it won't be you, so let it go.<P>As for your brother, he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. She is his Mother, and you don't know it yet but will find out with Andy, Mother's are special to boy's. Partly, because they are mothers, but also because men are taught by society to have a strong desire to protect you as well. It is a neat thing, but it is a weakness that can be exploited and it sounds as if it is.<P>So, do what K suggested, tell your brother you love him dearly and want nothing but the best for him. Don't address the issues between you and your mother with him.<P>Carrie, calm down. You are a Mother and a W now. Your main focus should on your home, and you certainly cannot fix what is broken at your Mother's home.<P>So, calm down and quit worrying about this. Worry about things you can change.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Oh Khyra (Carrie ),<P>I am sorry about all this.<P>Here's what saved me, more than anything else -- even my mother's cancer couldn't hold a candle to this:<P>I prayed and gave my mother over to God.<P>Seriously.<P>When she had her diagnosis, I had a million emotions, including, well... to be honest, a feeling of, "that's what you get you evil shrew"... isn't that terrible?<P>My mother's cancer changed her, your mother's cancer did not. So... you are left... with a choice.<P>If I were you, I'd do as K and JL say (email your brother) and give your mom over to God to fix, care for, hold onto. The more you pray about her, the more you'll want to... and then, if she ever does pull her head out of her butt (can I say that?) you will be open to her.<P>I know this isn't a psychological answer, or maybe you aren't a praying person. But just giving her over to a higher power, takes the responsibility off of you. I like to think of God as having hands, and laying the person in his very tender, and capable hands.<P>Hugs, dear Carrie,<P>Sheryl

K: Sound, clean advice as usual. I will wirte the EM along those lines and not get into details and carrying messages back and forth.<P>Bleu: We talked about doing this, maybesomeday it will come to pass but not till he cools down.<P>JL: The first paragraph of your post was a bit confusing to me: <B>"For, one thing he won't give birth you her Grandchild. For, another thing he is a boy and is probably treated a little different to some extent (He is not competiion. )"</B><P>The rest was crystal clear. As I told K, I will reply without delving into or even mentioning issues between her and I, and tell him I love him etc. Also, you are roight about me needing to stop focusing on this so much. I usually obsess about a 'crisis' for a few days then start acting normal again. Until then I spaz .... like I'm doing now. But I don't want my family to suffer. <P>Sheryl: I will try praying. I'm glad it has worked for you. I do not have strong faith (or much faith at all) sorry if this disappoints you. But I do still pray from time to time, and have never been sorry. It's like big deal to me to do it, I like to do it exactly right, being very specific, no crying or pleading, no conditions. <P>To all: Your honesty and advice and your compassion has been greatly appreciated , once again... don't worry i don't plan on coming here very week and dropping a bomb, just every six months or so... for an update. <P>I'll send that EM soon. <BR>

Khyra,<P>You asked: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>JL: The first paragraph of your post was a bit confusing to me: "For, one thing he won't give birth you her Grandchild. For, another thing he is a boy and is probably treated a little different to some extent (He is not competiion. )" <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I cannot imagine why this is so confusing, other than the fact that it isn't in English, little things like verbs, subjects and pronouns are a bit confused. <P>I will ATTEMPT to type it correctly this time. <P>I was referring to your brother not understanding your issues with your Mother. One, reason for his lack of understanding especially about the issue of her visit right after Andy was born is that: He will never give birth to a child, or more accurately your Mother's Grandchild. <P>Further, he will always hold a different place in her heart because he is a boy, and offers no competition for her, and doesn't remind her of what kind of a mother she has been. If on the other hand he ever marries, then his W may well get an earful. <P>Sorry, I was typing too fast and was in too big a hurry.<P>Have a good weekend and God Bless,<P>JL<BR>

Oops, Thanks for clarifying, JL. I was thinking that was it... sorry <P>What you say always makes sense. <P>Stop trying to compete with me for being reigning royalty of tyops, darnit, you are out errored lol<P>PS I did pray, I feel lighter, I gave it over. <P>Khyra

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Khyra:<BR><B>PS I did pray, I feel lighter, I gave it over. <P>Khyra</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>GREAT!! <P>Listen, I am a struggling Christian, and I don't assume that everyone is a prayer/believer like me. Twelve-step programs talk about a "higher power" and I think **most** of us believe that. <P>I am never disappointed in you, Khyra, and it isn't my place to be judgemental about your prayer life AT ALL.<P>Plus, my prayer life hasn't been great either ... in fact, it has been non-existant at times. I am just now beginning to do simple prayers, like for my H to make it safely to work, or my son to have a good day at school. I am trying to "make a habit" out of the simple prayers and hopefully will begin to go to God with the BIG STUFF again. <P>I love the idea of "giving over" and I hope you find peace in the giving. I know I did.<P>Hugs, Sheryl