My H is a sex and pot addict. After suffering through multiple affairs, two separations (because of OW), verbal and emotional abuse, I finally got smart and asked him to leave for good. I have stuck to that decision through his various antics (suicide threats, quit his job, got his job back, homelessness, etc.) and he has now declared me his "enemy". Because I turned my back on him when he needed help. And I ended up getting a Protection from Abuse order against him. (Which he is REALLY mad about).

Anyway, I'm having a lot of financial issues with him. We don't have any assets -- our trailer's not worth as much as we owe. The truck may have been an asset, but since he hasn't made a payment for 3 months, it's now in repossession (I'm trying to get ahold of it so I can turn it in). Our debts aren't too bad -- I'm keeping the mortgage and have asked him to pay the remaining $185/month in credit debt. The total amount is about $5000 and we owe about $9000 on the trailer (which isn't really worth anything -- it's practically falling apart). He hasn't paid any of these debts since we separated 3 mos. ago.

He has also taken a MUCH lower paying job than what he had when we separated ($15,000/yr. less). At the time we separated the child support calculation came to over $1100/mo. At his current salary it is about $600/mo. He's been paying me $460/bi-weekly per the PFA. We have a child support hearing next Wednesday.

He is living with his current OW. She lives in a public assisted apartment complex. So the rent is low. She works and has income. I'm living in our place and the expenses are really high ($420/mo. lot rent!!) I also have the three kids. He hasn't seen his son since June, he hasn't spoken to him since August. He hasn't seen his youngest since August and our other daughter he sees once in a while (when I'm shopping, if he's working I let her go see him). Part of the PFA is we have to do a supervised exchange and he won't do it.

Anyway, I'm filing for divorce -- I CANNOT afford an attorney. And I want to make sure that the kids are provided for. I also feel very resentful that I'm now struggling because of his choices -- which I could handle if it was just the infidelity -- but his lack of financial responsibility is causing problems and is only going to get worse. I've gotten him to agree to a property split and debt split -- I've got to write up the agreement. But he's not real good at sticking to his word.

Sorry this is so long. Any tips or advice?

Sorry to hear about your problems. My advice would be to get an attorney anyway you can even if it means going into debt. By the description you gave, your H doesn't take responsibility for his action and worse yet expects you to take the responsibility. This is a tough situation. Also your comment that you have become the enemy makes me concerned. As long as you are trying to handle the divorce yourself he will feel power over you and do anything and everything to make your life difficult. This is where the attorney comes in. By using an attorney, one you are one step removed and it takes some of teh emotion out of it. Also it sounds like he is very manipulative, so having someone to understand the legal system is critical.

If you can't afford an attorney, see if there are an attorneys that do pro bono or free work. Check with the battered women centers, etc.

Serrelinda,
I recognize your name from when you posted here a few months ago, it seems.

Will respond tonight-have to go out the door now.

Take care
HP

Sreelinda:

I know the feeling. While my wife was not irresponsible with what she felt were her bills...she certainly did not help us with the mortgage to which her name was attached. Or any expenses as far as the kids were concerned. But, she is now paying CS pre-divorce. We can do that in NJ.

I am in a different position than you are,...and it certainly seems like you are taking good measures. Keep going. Protect your own and you. As for him. Get a lawyer and Dump him.

We will be here for you.

Serra linda,

Yes, do what ever it takes to get an attorney. If there's a referral service through the battered women's agencies, get a lawyer there.

Interview at least 5 attys, then check them out. Run their license no. through the Bar Association's data base, and check whether they have been disbarred, disciplined, anything like that. Only consider those who are specialists in family law. Make sure they carry malpractice insurance.

If, when you interview them, their office is disorganized, they can't lay hands on anything, if their staff is surly or unprofessional, they aren't for you.

Because you have kids, and will need support for them, don't gamble on their future. Get help to protect their financial security. There are tricks he can use to manipulate things so that his assets are hidden.

Oh, and about the truck? If you know where he is staying, the address of the OW, just call the finance co. and let THEM know. They have professional repo men who pick up cars for them.

Thank you, everyone. I'm going to try to find a pro bono attorney, but H might become more enraged and difficult to deal with if I do. I had representation from Legal Aid for the PFA hearing and he called her a b****, even though she said almost nothing at the hearing.

The amount of debt is less than what I would have to pay for a lawyer, so it doesn't make sense to hire one. I don't need a lawyer for the child support hearing, DCSE will represent me at that.

Also, I've worked in a law office before (and if I hadn't been severly traumatized by my abusive boss, I would ask him for help) and while we did mostly real estate, I do understand how to file court documents -- so I am not too intimidated by that. And an additional thing in my favor -- while my H is a manipulator and irresponsible, he also is afraid of me in a way and often will do something just because I tell him to. Plus he thinks he is much more intellegent than he actually is. I've been so beaten down by him that I came to believe that was true, but now that I'm seeing him from I distance I realize that he is not nearly as smart as he thinks -- he mostly gets by with charm & bullsh!t.

Dede

Oops... I also wanted to mention that my H has no assets. Unless he's been saving up the money he should have been using to pay the bills, but somehow I doubt it.

And regarding the truck, he hasn't been at work the last couple of days, so yesterday I called and asked if they could fax me the form and I would mail it back to them with the key and all the addresses where they might be able to find it. I wish I had known that was an option -- I would have done it sooner.

Dede