Hello to All
Havent posted on the board in awhile, just been reading allot lately.
Found out shortly after DV was final at end of March that OW was going to have a baby. I dont want my XH back, not after the destruction of our marriage, the betrayal to me and my sons but it seems it just never ends. What I am now concerned about is the addition of not only the OW being poked down their throats because she is what Daddy wants but now a child. A half brother to be born any day now. It amazes me at how this is playing out...My oldest has nothing to do with his Dad already and after he found out OW was expecting, that did it for him....he has nothing to do with his father and XH doesnt make any attempt to work on relationship with oldest son. How I wish XH could see what he is doing....the other two, the 11 and 4 year old see their Dad for one night every other weekend. Not the best of circumstances, their Dad lives with OW. Where we live in KY, it is very difficult to get cohabitation agreements in DV settlements, this is a no fault state, very horrible for families....so what I need from you guys is advice on how I can approach XH in dealing with the arrival of this child.....as far as I know, he and OW have not married. I have discussed with my oldest son the baby and explained to him that he needs to accept child as his brother and not feel bad towards him, to love and accept him....he is innocent and did nothing...and that he will need him in his life...the other two, I just acted excited for them that they were getting a new brother....so any advice on how to deal with this situation? Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
F4us
faith4usnow@hotmail.com

Faith,

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this!!! It doesn't seem fair! I know one of the first questions I had fo xH was if our kids were going to have to have a half sibling, he said no that OW had a hystrectomy (SP), that was actually the personal crisis that she needed my H to help her through!!! I didn't want to have to deal with what you describe.

My thoughts would be to talk with your sons and make it ok for them, I am not sure how to go about that though. Yes that baby is inoccent, but your boys don't have to be happy about or accepting of it. Allow them to have their own feelings on it and be a sounding board for them. I am sure that others are telling them to be happy they are getting a new sibling.

It's hard I know, but have your talk with respect for your xH and the inoccent baby, your boys will reconize that and appreciate it!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Faith4us,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, your right it's not fair! I have had the same problem but the age of your children is the difference. Your children do feed off your emotions and will react the way you react. The older one has every right to feel the way he does! What I told my boys was this child is just as innocent as they are. In return the 19 year old said "I will meet her when I'm ready and I see no rush". I agreed and let them know it was their choice and when they were ready.

They really don't like discussing it and I take their lead. Their father took away their stable family life and they haven't adjusted to that yet so they will do it on their time. I let them have control of their own time frame when their ready they will meet her.

But you have young ones also and I think you have handled it just right even though it must kill you. You should be very proud of yourself as a mother. This is very hard time to take the high road but very necessary. Whatever you do can't take away the fact that they have a half sibling and I found that fact to be the hardest to swallow.

I told my boys that I raised them to love everyone and this child could use their love. Some day I hope they see that but this child represents all the hurt their father did and as my son said it's called "Guilt by association" but time will heal that I hope.

Stay strong!!

LJ

Thanks guys for your replies. Yes, I will speak with respect to them in regards to their father with difficulty…it’s not easy to always take the high road and not allow yourself to stoop to their level but I do know I feel better about myself when I make the right choices. I do agree with your comment that the baby is a product (so to speak) of the pain and hurt their (XH and OW) betrayal has caused. I am concerned that my youngest son who is just 4 will struggle the worst with this….he already questions me about Daddy not living with us, being with us….why isn’t he home with us…..and now this baby…..how will he react…..What will be going through his young mind….Daddy has a new baby that lives with him…what about me? I just don’t know ……the other two sons are older and I can talk to them more openly than the youngest. I will just be there to reassure him of my love for him and his Dad’s love for him. It will be tough.