If you have read any of my post you know that my spouse and I have divorced and i still love her very much and hope for reconciliation. She was seeing OM during our separation and it has even picked up a little speed now that everything is final. My children are unconfortable being drug out do things with OM plu s taken over to his home and he coming over to hers. I know there is nothing I can do about this so I don't concern myself with it but try to be there for the kids. Her brothers recently moved to town and told me " this is not the same woman that we knew". They have even heard her bash me in front of them and they told her "wait a minute! He has busted his tail providing for this family, helping you raise the kids and getting you all where you are at today! You need to chill out!" After that she has talked to me with a little more respect and kindness. I have a hard time keeping my chin up in front of her. I tremble with emotions when I am around her. It's like, your here in front of me but I can't touch you or hold you or even tell you how I feel inside. I was thinking, is it too late to do the plan "b" thing? Is'nt that where you just drop all contact with each other? And if it is how do you do that when there are children involved? I mean we have to talk about what they are doing and who with. What about it? Thanks and God bless.

<small>[ October 16, 2003, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: adamv ]</small>

Since your bros-in-law are supportive of you, are they the type of people who would be willing to handle go-between contact, so that you could go into a true Plan B?

I don't know if it is too late to Plan B, but maybe it isn't since you still love your wife. The two older kids are not crazy about her new guy, that is going to put a natural crimp in their style. And if you go dark, go into Plan B, you give the relationship a chance to run its course.

The weight of the kids' dislike of the relationship and of the guy will help hurry the end of the honeymoon. You can continue being there for the kids, and maybe ask for help from your bros in law as far as the custody exchange, so that there is no contact during that period.

Good luck. You have the advantage, because the kids aren't going to suddenly (or even with time and bribery) grow to love the new guy. Teenagers are really good at sulking, pouting, eye-rolling, fuming, and pretending they can't hear you. Can't blame 'em. They would be happier with an intact family.

adamv,

I think a plan B approach would be good, but the problem I see is the following. Plan B has an ending or several ways to end. One way it ends is if the spouse removes OP from their life and wants to try and rebuild teh marriage. The other way it ends is that the BS gets tired of waiting and loses what is left in their LB and moves on.

I sense you want to use Plan B as a tool to get your exW to notice you. I don't think that is a very good way of thinking. Plan B is not really about getting the other person to do anything, although occasionally the absense causes some to open their eyes. Plan B is simply a plan to wait until something happens: either WS decides to come back and try OR you just get tired and lose love for her.

So sit down and think about this deeply. Why would you go to a plan B? Is it to prevent yourself from getting hurt and waiting, OR is it to try an influence here?? Do you see the difference??

I think you would do well to stay away from your exW and only have contact with her as needed for the kids. Frankly, I think you moving on with your life would be best for you, and it might let her see what she stands to completely lose. Right she doesn't feel the loss because you are there when she wants you, and she has OM. Nothing is going to happen until the A dies.

So think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Alot of friends that have gone through this have told me to start dating. Not really look to get serious with anyone but get out and do things with a conpanion. They have even told me that this might even strike a serious blow to her knowing that there is someone else in my life and wake her up. I have thought about dating but it is so hard with the feelings I have. I sort of feel I have given up at that point. Know what I mean? I know this whole thing was not my descission but It's hard to think of someone else in my life. My father told me of the time he went through this and when his ex found out she tried to break them up and showed jealousness even though she initiated the divorce and had someone else. I feel like I am in limbo with no direction. ever ben there?