I have been lurking here for a few weeks. My wife is apparently speaking to a lawyer and plans to divorce me in NY State.

So what can I expect? Will someone hand me "papers"? Should I be talking to an attorney now?

I don't agree with her grounds for divorce. NY State does not permit irreconcible differences. I do agree with the idea of divorce at this time.

Do I just accept it, or do I counter "sue" or whatever it is called?

This sounds terribly expensive. Was trying to avoid all the legal fighting...but I guess she has started it. I wanted to spare the 2 boys from this pain/loss.

Sorry to here about your delima. I have just gone through what you are embarking on. My ex said I could go to her lawyers office and pick up the papers. she wanted for us to try and handle everything out of court but there where 3 children involved and she wanted control and we where devistated. I really do not have all the answers but my lawyer told me to wait and let your spouse file, get served with the papers and then bring them to me and explore your options. If you do not agree(which I did'nt) with the grounds or whatever else she has in there you can counter file which means your lawyer will send her lawyer a document with the things that you want or don't want. From there it is pretty much a bargaining match between the two of you. I know how hurt you feel and how hard it is to focus on trying to think of being in a situation where you have to let go of a life you built with someone. Have you considered a counseller? In the state I live in you have to go to mediation before you can go to a full blown divorce hearing. I pray that things will work out for you. If everyone took their promises and vows seriously at the alter of Holy matrimony and sought help in a sinking marriage we would'nt know divorce as it is today. Hope I helped. God bless!

<small>[ October 17, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: adamv ]</small>

If you agree with the dv at this time does it matter what the grounds are? My exh (the WS) filed against me (we're in NY)stating I refused to sleep with him for over a year (pshaw!), but we're now dvd and that's all that matters. I know the real reason, my exh knows the real reason and God knows the real reason! Exh filed against me because I was taking too long to file the infidelity papers. No matter... dv was final in July! ~ Free2BMe ~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

if you and your w have not seeked counesling, you should. in most states, marriage counseling is required before a divorce is granted when children are involved. You don't have to comply, you know. If and when you get the papers, you can then hire a lawyer and simply reply to your W and her lawyer that you request m-counseling. The court will see that as a such a plus on your end. Of course, without knowing why your w wants a divorce, it would't be fair for me to assume proper advise for you. I can only tell you to be strong, be fair, be civil. I just recently divorced myself, (against my wishes) and my ex-h is now totally regretting it all. Sometimes, the problem is so petty and the solution is so simple (unless we are talking about abuse and/or infidelity). A lot of times, it's a simple communication problem or one spouse is neglecting the others needs. Whatever the case may be, and I am only speculating, try the M-counseling first. Give it the good ol' college try before throwing in the towel on such a beautiful and sacred bond such as marriage. good luck and god bless you.
Mackies Mom