My x2b didn't pay my daughter's school fees on Monday like he promised her he would. When she called to ask him why, he said he couldn't because he was poor and that he couldn't talk to her right then.

I’ve been feeling very anxious about the child support hearing scheduled for nex week, also. 2 weeks after I filed, he transferred to a much lower paying job ($15,000/yr.) which means. I’m barely getting by on what he’s giving me now (which wasn’t as much as the calculation would have come out to, but during the PFA mediation the attorney told me to just take it so we could reach an agreement and that I could make it up at the actual child support hearing). I’m in a bad situation housing wise – I can’t sell the trailer without taking a loss (which I can’t afford), my utilities and lot rent are really high (when we moved here x2b was making a much higher salary and we figured we could afford to live on the water. He has progressively moved DOWN the corporate ladder since. (Of course, it didn’t help being fired for sexual harrassment, either). I could just move out IF I could find a place for less, which isn’t likely since I have 3 kids, public assisted housing only offers 1 and 2 bedroom apts., and there is a severe shortage of rental property in my area. So I feel trapped in a situation not entirely of my making – being pulled along by my x2b’s bad choices.

Then, yesterday I had a message from Blockbuster that some DVDs were 4 days late. Since I don't rent from Blockbuster I knew it must be x2b. I was livid. After talking to Blockbuster, I burst into tears and I had this overwhelming need to be held and comforted by him. And I realized, I was upset and grieving because he was doing something with the OW that he and I used to enjoy doing, and that we’d never watch DVDs together again and then discuss them afterward (which was half the fun of watching). I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch anything but comedies since we’ve been apart because of this.

Plus I’m frustrated because he hasn't been returning my calls, so I called his workplace this morning and they told me he'd gone up to NY for his father. Now I'm wondering what's going on with his father and why no one thought to contact me and let me know. I guess since I dumped him, I'm no longer important. Even though I was part of his family for 16 years and his father still calls to talk to me and the kids every week.

And I'm sad thinking of him up there with his GF and her comforting him as I did when we were up there when his mother died in April, and how close we were during that time.

I know the decision to divorce is the right one. But I’m feeling hurt, scared, frustrated, and lonely. And my heart is bleeding. Which all makes me one big emotional mess!

Dede

Serre---so sorry that you are feeling such pain. Infidelity, in my book, is one of the most painful and devastating experiences. Nobody wins and it is very EXPENSIVE in all the losses and extra funds needed to run 2 households after separation.

It sounds like you will not be able to rely on WS for much of anything at this point in your life. That was one of my first hurdles to jump over. In the past whenever I had a painful situation, it always felt a little lighter cause I could share it with WS....now the worse pain of all has to be carried alone. It feels so much more heavier, doesn't it?

I am glad that you are venting here and getting all the worry out. This board is like journaling and as you write, you will discover things that you otherwise would not have seen.

Now that you got all that off your chest, try to let it go. You have no recourse but to do your part in working with lawyer and taking care of all you need to live and then let things fall where they may. Let Go and Let God. Stewing in injustice can just wear you down. That is the main job of injustice.....

Have you read SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, and AFTER THE AFFAIR? There is alot of advice, direction and wisdom in these books and they will help you.

Keep reading everything, and learning how to take care of yourself and your children. You have alot of empathetic "ears" so that will help to lessen the load a bit.
YOU WILL MAKE IT......we all have come through the fire and got a little burned but some of us on on the other side of the burning structure of our marriage now and have gained some major insight to help others.

TW

Thank you for the response, TW. It's good to know that someone hears, even if I am babbling a bit! I went to an Alanon meeting last night (my second), and even though my H is not an alcoholic I was surprised at how accurately the description of an alcoholic fit him. I guess all addicts must be fundamentally alike -- they just use different things to ease their pain. I felt much better after the meeting, and learned some things about his behavior and MY behavior as well.

HP was preparing me, I think. I saw him today -- it seems he quit his job and is moving in with his brother and SIL in PA. He won't tell me why. I tried to talk to him, but all he really wanted to do was make me feel bad, I think. He actually told me that I've done nothing but screw him over and that I probably can't wait to see him in jail. I told him that nothing I have done has been to hurt him and that the only person who is screwing him is him (and see how good I was, I didn't take a shot about the OW). And when he tried to continue on about how I am the author of all his misery, blah, blah. I turned and walked away.

And I feel alright. A bit worried about the money situation -- but Monday I'll start doing the leg work and hopefully things will fall into place.

Of course, tomorrow may be a different story!

Thanks for listening.

Dede

SerreLinda---I applaud you for going to Alanon. You will definitely learn how to detach lovingly there and to let go and let God. You have done a very good thing and it seems you have reacted in the right way to this recent interaction with your H. The way you describe your H does sound like he has an addictive personality. He seems to manipulate the situation to blame and shame. You will learn alot at Alanon so keep going and use these boards to vent and get good advice about how to deal with your pain.

A good book to read is ADDICTIVE THINKING (understanding self deception) by Twerski. Because infidelity is an addiction, it really can be very relative to the situation you have with S.

TW