Just Peachy:

I'm just a casual observer, so I apologize if I've got this wrong. But I think you are hiding behind your son, masking your hurt and anger as concern for him. I don't doubt you love your son, but you seem to be denying that you have any responsibility for your failed marriage, and putting the blame on the third party who really didn't have anything to do with the breakup of your marriage. A "poor moral example"? Really. Accept the situation, and make the best of it for the both of you.

I dont' mean to upset you, but sometimes objective feedback is helpful. You need to get over it. Accept that he is not coming back, and that for whatever reason, your marriage didn't work. You are not his wife anymore, but you are raising a wonderful child with him. Be adult and mature; stop causing a scene at children's soccer games. You only appear bitter and pathetic. I'm sure you are neither, so start showing that.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hugs Peachy,
thinking about you and praying for you.

I know how hard this has been for you and son.

I am hoping your busy starting the new job I am hoping you got and is why we haven't seen a post from you..

other then that..if Jethro threatened you..I guess your not posting so he won't read..

God bless and know you are being prayed for..
and oh yeah..don't take that sarasara's post seriously, perhaps she hasn't read your posts.
because you have been through hell and back and we know your protecting your son as well as yourself..and doing a great job, but it is ok to get angry, stomp your feet, lay on the floor and throw a tantrum where no one can see you..
go someplace where no one else is and scream
and get it out..so it don't eat you alive..

PLEASE keep safe...and keep trusting God to carry you through..HE is able..
Keep on Keeping on..

LET's support peachy here, she is probably in a real rough spot right now..she just needs to remember it is sandpaper getting the rough edges off..

pray that Jethro paid her support she was due..
I am concerned for her..how much more could she take, she has gone through alot..hey
sarasara? are you ms fv???
hrmmmmmm...
Peachy soon things will be peachy again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't know all story as well and have just read this thread... and know how difficult it must be... but... let it go, dear...
isn't just divorce too much on the kid's shoulder?
hatred&despise won't help him nor to anyone else.....

Believe it or not SadEyes, some people see Peachy has having some work to do on herself. Her XH is a piece of crap, that is apparent to all. I highly doubt that Sarasara is FV, just as I'm not and another poster who posted about the same thing isn't either. Peachy needs to get herself out of this mess that her X keeps tempting her into. Her behavior at the soccer game was harmful to her son. It's not bad enough he has someone like J for a father, but his mom is contributing to hurting him too. I know this view will not be popular. There seems to be a theme of, cheer the member on no matter what when it comes to some members on this site. I disagree with that train of thought. A little boy is in the middle of all this, and he is the one being harmed the most. Did you catch the post a week or so ago about the little guy, quote "praying for FV to disappear"? Where do you think he got that from? His little head has got to be totally screwed with loyalty issues right now. A child, in order to have a healthy mental state, NEEDS to hear good things about both parents because they identify with both. It's always harmful for one parent to put down or treat the other parent badly in front of the child. If J really is going to remarry, FV will be in this little boys life. It's unfair to put him in the middle of disliking her. Now if she does something to him, that's an issue to take to the judge. Otherwise, Peachy has an obligation to put her jealousy and hatred behind her regarding this woman FOR THE SAKE AND WELL BEING OF HER SON.

Peachy, discount my post if you like. But take it for what it is... trying to help you and your son. The course you are on is not good for either one of you. J is a jerk who will continue to harm both of you. You have the power to show what a strong, caring woman you are by rising above his actions. Sorry to say, but the lastest on the soccer field wasn't one of them.

JMHO

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: TheFeminineSide ]</small>

TheFeminineSide --

I think JP has said that she has not said anything to her son or in front of her son ... but he knows, he's seen Mommy cry .. and from the sound of it they are in a social situation where everyone knows and they talk too.

How much worse could it have been it she'd have been forced to deal with Jethro and FV? Much, much worse.

Jethro put his son in the middle.

She kept her distance .. she knew Jethro wouldn't ... he didn't .. she shouldn't be forced to interact in situations that she isn't 1. being respected in and 2. that is very hurtful and harmful to her.

Yes, FV is in her son's life ... she shouldn't degrade Jethro or FV in front of him .. but she also doesn't need to put herself into situations of interacting with them. And she sure shouldn't be expected to be the cherring section.

And when son asks about it all she has to do is say "I'm just not very happy with your father right now."

He will understand that, because he distances himself from friends he's not very happy with at particular moments too.

She's also doing some good modeling here. Instead of exposing herself to a situation that may just become explosive she sought to keep her distance and remove herself ... how many kids in our schools need to learn that lesson instead of shoving a knife in to someone or fist fighting with someone they feel wronged by?

way2

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Coming out of lurkdom to say I think Sara Sara and TFS's post offer some sound advice and are not intended to instill any lack of respect to Peachy, but rather to help.

As someone who's been on both sides of the betrayal fence, I think I've learned alot in the years I've struggled with all the emotions which accompany an affair and subsequent divorce: guilt, disgust <at ex & myself> anger, insecurity, jealousy, resentment. It's taken literally several years to find a semblance of peace in my life. I think THE most important lesson learned is to NOT allow your son to be in the middle. Peachy, your son, while young, appears to be a very bright & intuitive kid. Aside from the negative comments his little ears may pick up, if you think he doesn't register all the non-verbal tension and vibes between you & Jethro, FV and the out-laws, you're mistaken. It wasn't until my 11 yr old son basically reached his boiling point and chastized me for making a snide comment about his dad's new wife <I never thought he'd pick up on it>, did I realize the negative impact MY emotions were having upon the well being of my child. I felt about 2 inches tall at that moment and have learned to speak postively about his dad and his wife...or not say anything at all <even though my tongue may be bleeding from biting so hard> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yes, your ex is a narcissistic, womanizing, abusive control freak by your depiction, but he is still your son's dad. Your child has his entire adult life to observe his fathers shortcomings and reach his own conclusions. In the meantime, no need to contribute to the already mixed feelings your boy already harbors.

As for the hatred you feel towards FV.....perfectly natural. You are deeply hurt by the man you once loved and I suspect you will resent any woman he's with for a very long time. Remember, before the Maxim girl it was Monkeyho and if/when things fall apart with FV, there'll likely be another. Wasn't Jethro still legally married when you hooked up with him? Seems to be his pattern. People aren't taken away, they GO away. I see you wasting precious time and energy obsessing on his life with his latest 'ho-du jour'. This misguided anger can be better channeled into focusing on your life. Sure, venting to friends is a great thing and it's obvious you have a large support system on MB, but I think some posters feed into this anger as they speak from similar circumstances.

Please don't resent another perspective from those outside your usual group of supporters.....there might be some wisdom in our words.

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Who's Hurting Now ]</small>

I agree with Who's Hurting Now. There comes a time when you need to stop obsessing over this guy and move on. You will never recover yourself (and that should be your main emphasis) until you learn the art of forgiveness. If you are not to the point of forgiveness yet, fine, but understand that you will continue to battle emotional turmoil until you choose to let it (and him) go. Focus on yourself and your child. You'll be better off in the long run. Chalk this up to experience, learn from it, and MOVE ON.

Who's Hurting Now,
I hate to admit it, but I too learned my lesson about veiled remarks, faces and just plain attitude toward my XH and his W (former OW) from my kids. Wish I could say I didn't do anything to contribute to harming them, since I was the innocent party in my opinion in the divorce. But I did. And as time has gone by, I see where I made mistakes in the marriage. Not saying I was responsible for his cheating, HE was. And he did it several times before I gave up and threw him out.

Anyway, glad you see that I am only trying to give Peachy some useful advice that I wish I had gotten earlier than I did. My in-laws and I did stay friendly to one another. It was a real struggle for me, as they backed their baby boy. But I wanted them to stay in my kids lives, so I kept the ties. I've been forever grateful that I did as it has paid off for my children. Also for me, as I came across as the one with class and srength. Family is important to children. Both sides of their family, not just one because they are part of both.

" 'ho-du jour'." LMAO at this comment! J will most likely go through many women in his life.

I don't want to say much. I said something to peachy before, and I too was accused of being the other woman. That was very odd to me, and I have never said anything since. I have read some of this thread and also agree with recent posters (sara, femside, promkeeper). To me, it seems as if some of peachy's friends that regularly post to her are "enabling" her more than helping her. I don't use many of those psychobabble terms too often, but it really does strike me as that way often. She seems consumed with rage and hatred. Understandably so, but "enabling" her isn't going to help her let go of it.

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

anyone get the creepy feeling that there are a lot of "dis-peachy" posters all of a sudden showing up in concert?

Yah know Miss Feminine Side and LoveMyEx - I know that you two are separate and distinct personalities. And you have both been asked very firmly by Miss Peachy to not reply on her threads anymore.

Why should she pay attention to ANYONE who disregards boundaries so similarly to her terrorist X? I mean, come-on ladies! Get a clue! No matter how much truth you might have to expound upon Peachy's head, it's meaningless in the face of the greater fact that you have been asked to keep your wisdom to yourself?

You might as easily say that Osama has truth to tell us too - that America has lost it's moral center. (By the way a few of our courts have ruled lately, I'd tend to agree with that truth.) But his method of dispensing that wisdom? Instead of unleashing an army of missionaries to teach the peaceful way of Islam, he's decided that we need to be purged instead of allowing His all-powerful God to take that "moral" burden off his shoulders.

Now you've decided how Peachy should respond to terrorism in her life and her son's life - and you are going to serve that wisdom up to her in the same boundary-violating manner that her X dispenses it?

Allow God to take that burden off your shoulders. Trouble yourself no more with someone for whom you lack sufficient respect to honor a simple request.

Kayla, no, I was never asked not to post to Peachy. I posted only once to her... a very long time ago and under a different name, when I was here for 2 or 3 days under that name! It was the last/only time I posted to her because several people accused me of being the OW, and it was very wierd. I left MB altogether then because it was "creepy" to me. I joined many months after that with another name (couldn't remember my first name) but have never replied to one of peachy's posts until today.

I do not think anyone is "dissing" her. But I do believe that many of her friends are "enabling" and not helping her. If she doesn't want me to post to her, that is fine. I actually have no intentions to get involved in this particular dialogue and haven't until, like I said, today (to which I haven't seen her ask me not to reply to her).

I don't see anyone violating her boundaries here on this website simply because it is a public website. I would not anyone's posting here "terrorism." Peachy is taking the "risk" of posting in a public forum in which people might say things she does not like (or you do not like), but that is the dynamics of public internet forums. No one is calling her names or slamming her, but rather is encouraging her to let go of her anger/bitterness, etc.

Now, if you honestly believe that mine and other's posts are "terroristic," then I suggest you report them to the moderator using that little "report post" button at the bottom of the post. But I guarantee, the moderator isn't going to find anything in our posts that is "terroristic."

I do hope that Peachy "recovers" from all of this. It seems that she has been told many times that she needs to "let go." I also think that she would benefit from a professional counselor (although maybe she has already gone to one?) simply because there is alot of anger, etc. there (understandably so) that doesn't seem to be lessening any, from what I've read here.

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 06:53 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

LoveMyEx,

It's been done.

BTW, You might notice that not all the posts that Peachy gets are enabling. But since some have been through the terrorist torture that her x has put to her, we know what the cycle is to getting self-esteem built back up sufficient to gracefully turn away all attempts that the terrorist x makes to resume abusive ties that he has used.

Since you obviously still carry a torch for your x, could it be that he never burned his bridges in quite the same manner that Jethro has his? Could it be that your x doesn't belittle you and mock you in front of your children? Could it be that you simply lack empathy to understand the grief process as it applies to Peachy?

When you are in the war, you don't see the legions who are on your side. All you know is that weapons of mass destruction are pointed directly at your heart.

Naw. You can't empathize. Or you'd have a different name.

Kayla, yes, I know not all are enabling her. That is why I said "some" of her friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ex Princess Buttercup:
<strong> "He who angers you, controls you."

Food for thought.

With my ex having a weeknight every week, and every other weekend, I see him 2-3 times more often a week than I'd like to. And things tend to only be smooth sailing for a limited amount of time.

Block his IM. Block his email. If he calls, son answers. If he tells son to give the phone to you, you hang it up. He can spend $.37 on a stamp and put whatever he has to tell you in writing. Period, new paragraph. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We old-timers are not all giving the same advice. ;}

Peachy, IMO you need to stop playing the betrayed ex-wife and just be a co-parent. You are putting your son in a terrible position no matter how rotten the things are that his father does. No matter what kind of stain on the planet Jethro is, he is still and always will be your son's father.

I KNOW that one of the hardest things is letting your kids think that YOU are the bad guy when that lying abusive ex did so much to you and the kids look at them like they are perfect. IMO you are letting your hate for FV taint your son's relationship with his father.

You can ignore my post if you want, but I am not the only one that sees this. I am not trying to hurt you, not at all. Sometimes I hate not being able to tell the kids the truth about how horrible their dad was to me. But its my burden, not theirs.

In the country I live there is a law against terrorism and terroristX as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Simply, you cut off ties, and someone neutral does (when necessary) talk&#8230;
And you, free from the &$@*$, make new steps in your life&#8230; Should be happy!
Having a kid, your carefully choose the path&#8230; no kid growing without peace, no-hatred, thought a good manners and having a solid education &#8211; could become one day&#8230; &#8220;terrorist&#8221; himself&#8230;

This forum is nice, brings consolation when needed, and helps as well.
But some things here should be distinguished &#8211; are we coming just to find a shoulder for crying and consolation or a good advice AS WELL? I know the answer I could hear, but, in practice sometimes we neglect it&#8230;

I could comfort JP very well. No need &#8211; JP has a few of you already&#8230;

I&#8217;d like to comfort her son&#8230; To tell him that he, in the middle, is guilt of nothing&#8230;
To tell him that he came to this world with love, is beloved and always will be&#8230;
From BOTH parents&#8230; Just they are not happy when together&#8230; And he should not have negative feelings for FV (whatever this abbrev. Means), moreover for his father&#8230; Because it&#8217;s HIS father&#8230;
Because, one day he will understand&#8230; maybe do the same&#8230; &#8220;wrong choice&#8221;, divorce&#8230;

Eh&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know it&#8217;s difficult&#8230; It took me two months to prepare & promise to myself &#8211; never ever talk negative about his daddy&#8230; Who likes to have bad parents?? And not only for that &#8211; what about genetics???
&#8230; and we have to accept&#8230; our choice our consequences&#8230;
One day he will SEE his father, no need that I open his eyes&#8230;
One day he&#8217;ll see ME AS WELL&#8230; that&#8217;s why I&#8217;m gonna try that he sees me as a good and positive and full of love and understanding (for everyone!!!) mom!

JP,
the most difficult part is to accept that it&#8217;s over&#8230; moreover &#8211; that your X might be happy with someone else and make her happy as well&#8230; (At least this was the hardest part for myself&#8230;) And it's not your fault! Nor his... (FORGIVNESS for everyone!)
Maybe he never will, but once you accept that possibility and throw away your hurting ego, vanity and self-pitty &#8211; you are FREE

Will he or not shouldn't botter you - you have much better things to think & do - with your son, to organize and live a happy! life...

And life brings many nice things &#8211; cannot see them if looking at the wrong direction&#8230;

And your son won&#8217;t see them if growing occupied with....... negative thoughts...

All I said to you I have been saying to myself for a couple of months...
And it worked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(Just even feel sorry for my X... his life with himself isn't easy I can tell you, poor baby... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

Hope you'll come too to the same happy ending of this nightmare - life is beautiful! and just my son's HAPPY smile is enough to confirm again - I found the sense of my life... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LoveMyEx
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, if you honestly believe that mine and other's posts are "terroristic," then I suggest you report them to the moderator using that little "report post" button at the bottom of the post.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KaylaAndy
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LoveMyEx,

It's been done.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Done? "Report post" button used?

Please be kind and add my nick as well.
Calling spade a spade is my middle name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
And cannot leave without freedom of speech. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

Wow this post is getting interesting and without Peachy's participation no less.... I think that most of the people here really have valid points - I mean you learn from your own experiences and then you try to share with other people further behind in the process to try to save them some pain - that is what I think that most of the people here are doing... I again can only speak from my experiences... I mean I will tell you I have put myself through hell the last two years trying to figure out the whos, whys, what ifs and how comes ???? And when I say I put myself through hell I really did - Nothing was going to change what my ex did to me - how my ex treated the children when they were with him - how my ex interacted with my family or vice versa... Divorce bites to put it bluntly and it hurts that a family you were so close (inlaws) act like you were never a part of their life - but the simple fact is that the other half of your marriage is their child and if they want to continue to see their grandchild they will probably always side with them... I think what everyone is trying to say - is that - you have no control over what your ex other half does with his life - I mean yes he has put you through h*ll and yes he screwed you and your son over - but the fact remains he is your sons father - nothing is going to change that... And you cannot control what your son does when he is with your ex - you can only help your son deal with it..And as for the other woman - FV - really you should only feel pity for her because if he is everything that you say he is then she will get hers... But it shouldn't matter - that she has a child out of wedlock or posed for some magazine or that she slept with him out of wedlock -- whatever- that she is becoming part of your sons life now should be all that matters... and you are the one that is going to have to help him deal and accept that... And as for the letting go - really for yourself you must do that - I have finally just recently stopped trying to figure everything out and have decided that you know what - I don't like what he did, who he has become and I am worthy of so much more in my life - so be it - He is out of my life - yet he is still in my childrens and I still go out of my way to try to get them all to have a better relationship --- Even though I don't think he deserves it - they do... So you Miss Peach must take the high road - let it all go - don't talk to him unless absolutely necessary - don't even think about him - he is not worth it - and just try to help your son deal with accepting this other woman and child into his life... And once you get passed this why, what if, etc... you will be able to move on to a new chapter in your life with someone new and be happy - and this will all be a distant memory -- You must move on.... And I didn't say you should forgive - just learn to live with it...

Dear Peachy,
At the risk of setting up camp with the "enablers," I just want to give you an "attagirl."

Your son is 5. I can remember clearly being 5 (it's the second childhood thingie...) and having opinions about my family members. Even at that young age, a few of them seemed selfish, exhibitionistic, mean, immature. And others were safe, protective, and incredibly emotionally generous.

I don't believe what you do or say has much impact on your son's feelings. That Jethro has imposed FV and her child upon the little guy is an insult to him. Your son had a home. Now, essentially, he is homeless. He lives "nowhere." He doesn't even have his own bed and toys when he visits Dad. He doesn't even have his own Dad when he visits his Dad. The other child demands his time and attention.

He's had his time with his Dad cut in half by the fact of Jethro's leaving the marriage and the home. Then, the fraction of time he sees his Dad gets divided again, because Dad needs to attend to his [now pregnant] girlfriend. Their time together is further fractured by the needs of the child of the woman his Dad is sleeping with, instead of sleeping with his Mommy.

He's only 5, yet he sees clearly that Dad's behavior with the OW is shameful. At 5, I remember being ashamed by actions and behaviors of my caretakers. Somehow, there's an instinct within us, even before we can read and explain it, about wrong behaviors.

I don't know how you are able to maintain the poise and equilibrium you have achieved, in the fact of that man's behavior. He is provocative and cruel. I don't know how you managed to state your case so calmly and with such dignity to his enabling parents. But when I read the account of the day at the soccer field, I ached for you and your son. And I admired your courage.

I see how you struggle to keep your head above water. I also see your fight to protect your son from the evil he has in one half of his life. You're a good mother.

KA,
I give my opinion and advice, like I stated, in order to possibly help Peachy and therefore her son. I have not attacked her. It was not my aim. The fact is, this is a public forum and we have free speech and I am exercising both, hopefully to open a mother's eyes to what she is doing to a little boy. I really don't care that she doesn't want to hear from posters who have a different point of view than her own.

Can I ask you why someone voicing a different opinion than your own upsets you?