Peeperband :

Hi. How are you? I read your answer to StillInLove about her alcoholic ex and saw that you had experienced the same thing w/ an alcoholic husband. Boy, the things you reply to her ring with so much truth for me. Especially the part of the stop giving advice .(The selfishness and the disrespect are a given with these types).

I cannot believe how enabling I have been. It got to the point where I was enabling her OM too..and they got so brazen and direspectful as to call the other night(they were drinking) and she put my youngest one on the phone with him. The subject of the matter is unimportant, but the callousness of this act just Pi$$ed me off. This OM obviously does this because she misses the kids, so he is making nice. He is an alky to.

This occurred after I foolishly gave into her and allowed the youngest one to spend a long week-end down there at this OM place. I got a good dose of reality from Bellevue,TMCM and Leilana and they basically confirmed what I felt about allowing Patrick(the little one) to go down there.

I had not allwed both boys to go there and see her for almost ten months. I have a legal CC agreement which says she may visit them here and also only at her Mothers...but not at OM place.

She came her two weekends ago to discuss this w/ me and did a marvelous acting job. All the time OM was calling my cell phone,drunk, and LBing her all over the place. So, I agreed to let the little one go for three days. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I am tired of it being all about her and her wants and needs.

My giving in at times has allowed her to see that I am "flexible" and she will do anything to get her way...while we sir out here in Limbo the lets plaese J dance.

She sees all of this as negotiable and when I put my foot down on some things she creates a little diversion somewhere else.

So, I suppose the next time she calls and proposes anything I must camly and lovingly say "No!".

We had agreed that Patrick could come down for Halloween prior to all of this, but after this brazen act and being called all sorts of niceties, I have just had it with the disrespecting BS from both of them.

Dealing with an affair is one thing. But when both affair partners are alcoholics it is a real challenge. I want to keep on course and allow her to see the kids here only.But she is very much not inclined to do that.

Thoughts?

You must be willing to appear to be "the bad guy" to alcoholics.

Here's what happends .... Your alcoholic makes a request, usually some tiny bit of something they need that just squeeks over the established and agreed upon boundary. And, they are desperate. And YOU are "such a doll" they just "know I can count on you to help me out.".... "just this one time" ....

If you say "No, that's not what we agreed" .... the usual first response might be "Why not? I really need you to help me out!"...

and from that point on ... in the conversation...

anything that you say that re-enforces the boundary....

Everything you say is trashed as YOU being uncooperative....
YOU are not a nice person
YOU have never understood me
YOU take advantage of me
YOU don't understand how much this means
YOU are so mean and hateful!
.... blah blah blah ....

If you get anything remotely resembling name-calling from either of them.... simply say: "I have to go now. We'll talk when you can be calm." Then hang up the phone .... or walk away if this is in person


YOU have the right to keep your boundaries
You have the right to not be cursed
You have the right to make healthy decisions without being manipulated

DO NOT ARGUE ..... you cannot convince a drunk. You are not that powerful.

Have some all purpose response in your mental "back pocket" .... some phrase that is neither disrespectful nor judgmental ... and use it for those times when you feel drawn into a stupid arguement.

Here's some responses ... "I've got to go call my sponsor first." .... or "I know you can work this problem out without me." ..... or "Nevertheless, this is not what we agreed." ....

"Nevertheless" is a good response when someone is trying to argue with you and asks you "Why not?" .... and when you say your why not .... then they argue with your reasoning .... if you find yourself there.... do the "Nevertheless, this is my decision." .... YOU do NOT have to defend your decisions!!!!! You can simply state your decision as a nevertheless .... and do it very nicely, and with kindness.

DO NOT ARGUE.... argueing shows you are vulnerable to their needs.

You simply state your decision, and that is all.

Take care....

Pep

You got excellent responses on your other thread!

Pepperband:

Thanks for the advice. Makes good sense to me.
I will follow it.

Thank you

Gregg

Pepperband:

Thanks for the advice. Makes good sense to me.
I will follow it.

Thank you

Gregg