Brief background:

My wife left me about 6 weeks ago because she got to a point that she felt like she and I were not going to be happy together anymore. No cheating, no abuse, no addictions -- she was just unhappy with this aspect of her life. We have argued a lot over the past 4 years and with the help of this website and countless books, I have learned that we both did not do much to try and meet each other's needs. Ours was an error of indifference until it was too late.

After she left, she did not seem to be willing to talk with me about what we could do to fix things. She kept saying that she didn't think she could continue the way things are; that she was miserable. I agreed but said that we had not done all we could do to get closer to each other, but that didn't seem to bring us closer or bring her back to the table to talk about what we could do.

2 weeks ago she told me that she had put in for a job transfer 5 hours away back to her hometown where her parents live. This is actually one of our biggest problems -- countless times she ran to her parents house after our fights and told her mother all about it -- not good! I saw this as a form of infidelity as what is said in private between a couple is just that...private. While we fought a lot, we never got disrespectful, called each other names or insulted each other. We just had a hard time seeing eye to eye. Anyway, her family does not support us as a couple -- they are bitter that I moved her away and they have not hidden their contempt for my doing this (their family all gossip and rumor and talk awful about each other behind their backs so much that I knew early after we were dating that I didn't think we'd do well living there). I have suspicion that she was miserable primarily because she had never lived away from home and did not have the same family support structure that she was used to.

So I told her that this was unacceptable to be married and separated and living 5 hours apart. So I asked her to reconsider putting in for the job transfer. She said she would think about it. After a week I got sick of not knowing or being included in the decision so I asked her again. Still, she didn't know, so I gave her the ultimatum -- move back home and I'll take that to mean that she's moving on with her life without plans of me being in it. And in that case, that if she took the job transfer then I'd have no choice but to talk to a lawyer about a divorce. I told her that if she had any feelings that we have something worth fighting for that she should stay here until more time has gone by and the emotions die down a bit. Again, she said she'd think about it.

Last week I called a couple who are marriage counselors who seem to follow the MB philosophy and practice and spoke with them about seeing if my wife and I could come in for counseling. They agreed to do so if my wife would call and speak with them so she could have some perspective before starting. I called my wife and asked to go to counseling with me just so we could get some clarity on what's going wrong with our marriage and learn how to either work things out or move on. She agreed to make that call.

Three days later I spoke with her and she said that she had done some thinking and that she had decided to take the job transfer and did not want to go in for counseling. Things that she said sounded an awful lot like things that her mother has said before...so I believe she's getting coached on how to leave me but just the same -- she's a grown woman and can make decisions for herself.


My dilemna is simple -- she is moving on with her life without plans of me being in it. I'm a bit down in the dumps right now but it's slowly starting to sink in and I'm accepting that she's gone no matter what I do. I realize that there are many women who would appreciate an honest, faithful and decent man like me. I'm going to see the lawyer in the next day or so and I'm ready to have this thing settled so I can move on with my life.

I don't really have a question, but just wanted to know if any of you have ever had to give an ultimatum similar or not to this. Any of you who have been through something like this feel free to tell your story and offer any suggestions or tips.

I sort of had an ultimatum. I filed for divorce after physical abuse. Which followed after he had an affair, and was ballistic.

I have a ? for you. Would it be possible in your state to file for legal separation? To give both of you time to think about it being separated. Would you be willing to try this, and would she be willing.

Just a thought, but if her mother is toying with her mind by controlling her. Could mess things up. Maybe you two could write letters to each other, or e-mail each other. Or do the total no contact for awhile. I think counseling is needed here.

You seem to have deep feelings for your wife. And your wife seems to be sitting on the fence. Just from what you have written. That is why I think counseling would be good. But if she is unwilling to go, maybe you should to counseling for yourself. Sorry I am not much help. But your story hurts to read, and I feel your pain. I wish families would not divorce and stick together. I am having a hard time with all that I have been through. But I am moving ahead.

Do you also, have a good friend, or a pastor to talk to. Someone from the church would be of great help for you right now. I have found a great church, and they have become a great family for me. Just a thought. To lose someone you love hurts deeply. I will pray for you by your name. God be wtih you.

Thanks for your reply.

To answer your question, yes there is legal separation in my state, but she is moving to another state and I don't know if they have legal separation there. My fear is that if she moves to the another state that she will pretty much be unavailable for any type of counseling at that point since she will be so far away.

To be honest, I'm so sick of hurting and having all the thoughts, feelings and dreams that I'm wondering if that's really why I gave her an ultimatum. I really wanted her to stay local and think things through before making such a big decision, but it appears she is willing to cut me loose rather easily. I know that I don't need her to be happy, but it's hard to let go of 10 years worth of memories. I guess I need to know whether I should move on or not.

Speaking of, I think God was trying to talk to me today through the words of someone I know and trust. She said that according to the Bible I should not consider getting re-married to anyone else that a divorce did not necessarily mean that I could give vows to anyone else. This is pretty hard for me to accept because I'm at that point in my life where we were about to start having kids and I know that if I am to remain uninvolved in keeping with my original vows that I will probably never be a father. But I can't help but wonder if that's the plan God has for me.

I have some friends at church and they are helping me a great deal to cope with this.

Thank you again for your response and God be with you too.

There are some similarities bewteen your situation and mine, as my W abandoned me and moved to another state. Read my post in Emotional Needs under "Unusual Marriage Situation". Let me know if you think I can help. God bless!

Are you ready to accept her moving home and you filing for dvorce?

People usually give ultimatums as a way to try & get their way, not as something they really mean.

Before you do this, read the links below & figure out what you want.

If you want a divorce, get one. There is no need for an ultimatum. If you want your marriage, then do what you can to save it.

<small>[ October 20, 2003, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

HPK, I will search for and read your post.

Chris, I don't think it's quite as cut and dried as that. I generally agree that ultimatums don't work and that someone should decide where they stand on an issue before delivering an ultimatum or pushing for reconciliation. I have done both.

She has simply been unwilling to talk about how we can work on our problems since she left. She recently agreed to keep an appointment I'd made for some counseling but two days later changed her mind and said that she has decided and is definitely moving away and will not go in for counseling. In that case, since she knows what is at stake from my ultimatum at least she has made an informed decision.

So with that in mind, then I must proceed with divorce so that I can move on as well. But divorce is something that I have tried to avoid as much as possible since the separation. However, now is the time I must begin to think about protecting myself emotionally, financially, etc.

Wow! I read you're message and thought you were re-telling my story. Last month my H told me he's "done". After 11 years of marriage, 14 years of knowing each other and a 5 year old, he's "done". Decides he's held his comments in for years and now is the time to drop the ball. He has a newly found "friend" at work who he enjoys being around and finds her easy to talk to. Nothing is going on, of course, but he saw an attorney (on the sly) in early September (his parents knew. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't give him the $ for him). The only reason I found out is because of the big blow-up we had. He said "he needed to know what his rights were as an individual and as a parent." He said he's not trying to hurt me, but he needs his space. I'm too emotionally needy. I don't want a divorce. I still love him and I don't want to have a 50% custody agreement over our little one. He said he needs to think about what he wants to do and will communicate that info to me on a weekly basis? Somehow I don't think this is fair. Any help out there? What do I do?

I too have had to give an ultimatum, and also not as a threat, but as a fact. I can no longer stay with my husband until he stops drinking and goes into counseling w/ me.

He's not doing either, so I'm taking the first steps of moving forward.

ultimatum or a boundary?

an ultimatum is an either you do this or something happens to you . . . .

a boundary is an expression of what you will not tolerate, and what you will do as a consequence.

ultimatums are for given by people with control issues.

however, your story can be interpreted as your wife ran away and you don't exactly know what to do about the situation for yourself. . .

personally, i would get a divorce, and start learning about relationships, and get some counseling to understand why you picked your W and why you couldn't stay married. . . to just blindly accept it without learning or assigning her all the blame, will just result in you making the same mistake again. . .

wiftty

Chris, I don't think it's quite as cut and dried as that.
Uh, sure it is. If you WANT a divorce, file. If you don’t, then DON’T file.

So with that in mind, then I must proceed with divorce
Why?

so that I can move on as well.
Are you in a hurry?

with the help of this website and countless books, I have learned that we both did not do much to try and meet each other's needs.
Then you should have also learned that a quick divorce isn’t gonna solve much.

But divorce is something that I have tried to avoid as much as possible since the separation.
The entire 6 weeks you’ve been separated? How have you “avoided” it?

However, now is the time I must begin to think about protecting myself emotionally, financially, etc.
How is filing going to protect you emotionally? What is she doing to hurt you financially now?

Read up the links below.

<small>[ October 24, 2003, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

From Mars:

"She has simply been unwilling to talk about how we can work on our problems since she left. "

Then don't talk about your problems. Talk about the good things about your R. Dig deep if you have 2. They must be there, or you wouldn't be "trying" at all. List them here. Get feedback.

You want 2 file for DV because she's accepted a job in her hometown? What's more important 2 you, a R with your W, or your current place of residence and/or career? Think about this a while.

You won't find a "solution" by trying 2 figure this out logically. She's hurting and tired, and doesn't feel the incentive 2 try 2 save your M. You should try 2 find reasons 2 keep your M 2gether, if you want it, rather than make ultimatums. MB has some very focused strategies that you can try, whether you're in counseling or not, that can help you 2 restore communcation and love with your W. You haven't exhausted the possibilities. She just moved out less than 2 months ago? Some people have been working on their marriages after separation for more than a year. Many have reconciled. You can 2, if you give it a try.

-2long

Mars thank you for sharing your story. It sounds a little like my own marriage. We've been married two years, but I don't think my wife ever expected marriage would be any different from dating. By that I mean she still seems completely focused on herself and maintaining the life she had before me.

It doesn't feel like we are sharing a life together, but more like I compliment her life when that's conveinent and stay out of her life when it's time for that. I just don't feel like she will ever look at marriage the same way I do -- I want a partner to share my life with and I think she's looking for a man to compliment, but not upset, the life she already has. She does what she wants to do whether or not its what's best for me/us. When we talk about how I don't think she really considers me a part of her life I can never get it to really click with her.

I've spent the last two years trying to get her to realize that marriage is supposed to be about combining our lives and making decisions together. It is to the point now where she just rolls her eyes and shuts down. She's tired of hearing about it.

Please keep us posted on your situtation -- I really feel for you.