I will try to summarize a timeline of events and perhaps go into more detail if needed: Sadly this is in a very delicate stage and I am hoping for advice to save my marriage if it is salvagable.

*I'm a 30yr old male
*Met wife 11 years ago one summer
*Lost virginity to her
*She became preg. with our first son in 1992
*I moved to CA for college
*We broke up while i was there
*She married someone
*Divorced a year later
*I moved back home and we started dating again
*Decided to get married
*We had twin girls
*Moved to TN
*She went through major depressions
*Threatened to divorce me many times
*Stated she felt like a glorified prostitute and only does things for me out of obligation
*Told me she will never love me again or be happy
*3 years ago attempted suicide was in ICU for 3 days for massive overdose and loss of lung functions
*Information of her childhood abuse surfaced, explaining a lot of her depression.
*She is diagnosed with borderline personaity disorder
*2 years ago she got pregnant again
*Child was terminated
*I became distant, and held all my feeling inside. Felt as if i had failed her.
*Tried to buy a house last year, that fell through
*She started getting depressed again. I felt that i had let her down again and couldnt bear to see her suicidal again.
*I reached out to a female friend over the internet
*I felt that I fell in love with her
*My wife found out we were emailing and felt betrayed understandably
*She asked what we should do
*I suggest a possible seperation
*She decided that was just the same thing as divorce
*She Packed and took the kids to Montana
*She returned a month later
*I dated the online friend for 2 months and things didnt work out
*I moved in with my pastor for 6 months
*My wife got a boyfriend and has had sex with him
*She believes that she has not committed adultery because we are "divorced", and only married on paper.
*I fell into a deep suicidal depression
*I started drinking, and slept around this past year. I am ashamed of that. She was sleeping around also.
*She told me she was moving out and I can move my things into the house that we rented
*My wifes father died about 3 months ago. she was devistated
*She found comfort in someone while visiting home for the funeral
*She slept with him and tried to get pregnant on purpose
*She turned out not to be pregnant
*She has since not moved out, and decided that I can live there
*She will not forgive me for the online affair nor work on our marriage.
*She still believes we are not married
*I claim we are, and have been trying to reconcile for the past 4 months
*So we are living in the same house, and I continue getting mixed signals from her
*I still love her and always have.
*She says she loves me but will not take me back
*Last night she instigated sex, but prefaced it as it would not change anything between us
*We had sex, because it meant something to me
*I told her we are still married. She said I can be married then, but she isnt....

So, if you even made it this far, I am just wondering how long to continue fighting for this marriage. Is she just testing my commitment to her, but saying that she will not take me back to see if i am really committed?

Has she really given up on us? We are living in the same house and a lot of times feels like things are good.

She says it is just a fake marriage and talks about her saving up for a house for her and the kids. Says there is no us.

I have been confused a lot in the last 7 years of marriage, and things have been difficult on both of us. I just cant escape the fact that i still love her and know that she loves me, but says it is not about what she wants, but what she will not do. That is give us another chance.

Ideas, suggestions....prayers also appreciated...

Thanks,

seth

seth:

YIKES! Bottom line is that nothing positive can be accomplished without a strong desire 2 stop hurting each other so cruely, and show some consistency for a time.

You can't win her back with words, only actions. If you don't want her sleeping around when she's away, then you need 2 lead by example. You are married? Married people don't have affairs.

I would urge you 2 read the articles on the home page of this website. Your si2ation is far from unique, but it is "worse" than the average, if that makes any sense. Your wife's childhood abuse can be a serious impediment to intimacy between you 2 (as can both your multiple affairs). You should seek professional help with that. If she'll agree 2 go 2 a marriage counselor with you, then by all means go. Even if she won't, go alone. Each of you should consider having individual counselors at the same time you are seeing a marriage counselor jointly.

Consider calling for an appointment from one of the Harleys, again by going 2 the home page. They do phone-in counseling, which works very well, in my view, compared 2 office visitation. They're more costly per session than many, but worth every penny.

Welcome 2 Marriage Builders! Sorry you had 2 come here under these circumstances,

-2long

Yes, there's hope.

First, you need to make sure you don't escalate the behavior. Which you both have a track record of. "She did that? Then, I'll do this." Surefire reciept for disaster.

Next, your wife needs to commit to long-term therapy. Talking therapy. Borderlines are notorious for jumping in and out of therapy and never really improving at all. They are also notorious for suicidal threats and attempts, and unfortunately, successes. If she is really BPD, the whole family is going to need support whether or not you two remain together.

Why don't you sign up with a very good counselor for couples work? Go yourself and see if your wife will join you. Normally, I suggest an MB type marriage coach, but your primary goal should be to get your wife into treatment.

Try posting to Wiftty (When I Find The Time) either here on on Emotional Needs. His ex was bordeline.

Or put Borderline in the subject line and post it here and on Emotional Needs. You'll get a lot of information from teh Been There Done That crowd.