Hello everyone.

I posted at the beginning of the month about the possibility of remarrying my xH.

I got some very helpful responses, and did a lot of thinking. I know myself pretty well, and the last time I posted I was angry, but over all, I'm not really an angry person.

XH and I talked a lot, and saw each other a fair amount. This past weekend we went to a Rennasaince faire, something we have really enjoyed doing the past 4 years. We weren't 3 miles from my house when XH asked me to consider remarrying him, and if necessary consider an open marriage, since he knows about my non- platonic friends.

We talked a lot about that as a possibility, and finally Saturday night I gave him the letter I had written with my "demands" (which I had whittled down to 15, and the only non negotiable demand is that we see a marriage counselor and that HE make the arrangements.)

We talked and cried for about 20 hours straight.

The upshot is he agreed to alll my demands, and came up with a couple things I hadn't mentioned, that he felt he had failed at.

He came home from work today with counseling appointments set, with referrals to an endricrinologist and a urologist. He had signed us up for some social events that he had refused to participate in before. He did some significant cleaning of the house. He talked to me about what kinds of things I want to do for recreation or vacations. (In 28 years we never once went on a vacation.)

We are being married at 4:30 p.m. tomorrow, at the village clerk's office. We got the license today, he wants to wear his old ring, but we bought me a new one because I lost my old one. (I always felt bad that I lost it..even though we were divorced.)

Wish us luck...I told him if he messes up this time, I won't divorce him, I'll just shoot him. And I'm a very patient person, it took 28 years to get thoroughly fed up.. maybe we'll both die of old age before I'm that angry again.

Thanks for your support. I'll post every now and then and keep you up to date.

Blackberrygirl

We weren't 3 miles from my house when XH asked me to consider remarrying him, and if necessary consider an open marriage, since he knows about my non- platonic friends.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Wow, Blackberry....if you are going to be open, why be married?

The upshot is he agreed to alll my demands, and came up with a couple things I hadn't mentioned, that he felt he had failed at.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> All your demands? What about the partnership? What about POJA? What about loving each other and meeting each other's needs the best you know how? Do you know the mistakes you made so you don't make them again?

We are being married at 4:30 p.m. tomorrow, at the village clerk's office.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> And how are things going to be different this time? Because you are going to go to counseling, because you are going to work on things, isn't being divorced and dating the perfect opportunity to do that?
I am sorry if I am confused or harsh, I am just in shock that you are already remarrying. The anger just poof, goes away in a month and you are ready to commit your lives to each other again??
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I do hope that it works out.

Okay I for one am somewhat supportive.

Sometimes it takes a divorce to fix a marriage...I know that sound odd but in my case it took my wife having an affair to fix her and our marriage.

Now there are areas of concerns....like why couldn't do things in order to avoid being divorced.

But my marriage counselor bounced something off of me early in recovery when I was still thinking divorcing WW.... "What would you do if you divorced her then found out you couldn't live without her?"

Never pondered that question.... it was always could I divorce her, should I divorce her, what happens to the kids if we divorce, what happens to me if we divorce.... never what happens to US after we divorce. More specifically would I want to date her after and divorce.

Sort of opened my eyes. I think everyone considering divorce should have to write an essay on "what happens if after you divorce your spouse you find you can't live without them?"

ok good luck, but you are making a huge mistake. There is absolutely no reason he couldn't demonstrate all these changes over a long period of time without the "piece of paper". His insistence on a gaurantee (the marriage) is absolutely the wrong motivation, he shouldn't even be asking you, that alone makes this a bad idea....you are remarrying a needy manipulative individual and are casting yourself in the role of policeman, I suspect it is because you are drawn to the notion of power over this man (understandable due to your past with him, but still a highly dysfunctional motivation on your part). There is no good reason whatsoever to rush into marriage....and a whole bunch of good reasons not too....why in the world are you doing this? Have you temporarily lost your mind? He is willing (supposedly, yeah right) to accept an open marriage....he is that desperate? What in the world do you see in this man, who would propose/accept such a thing....and why in the world is he pressuring you for marriage instead of calmly and responsibly doing his self-improvement, and demostrating he is a worthy marital partner...FIRST.

IMO you are in major denial, caught up in the headiness of of this man morphing into what you want because of his great love for you...this is fog, fantasy, and life does not work like this...ever. He is reaping his reward before earning it, that essentially gaurantees failure...if you really think this is possible, and are willing to give him additional emotional resources, then do it by the book. Do not remarry until he has demonstrated all these changes, and sustained them over a long period of time (at least a year), that is how you maximize the outcome you want....by marrying him now he has experienced NO consequences for his behaviour. He is reacting and coniving to get back what he wants....it is just a bunch of words. A year or two from now you will be back saying how stupid you were, he still is blah blah, or is off chasing someone else....why...cause he doesn't have to change, you are teaching him that. All your threats are meaningless, you are demonstrating you can be manipulated, this is a co-dependent marriage you are rentering, not a healthy marriage....do the work first, blackberry, stay the course, you can always get remarried....but getting divorced again is a huge trauma. It makes no sense to reenter a marriage with the idea he has to "perform" or you will divorce him, this is not how one builds intimacy, but it is how one builds control....do you really want to be a policeman, having to decide everyday whether to divorce or not based on his "performance"....

Anyways, I have no illusions anything one says is going to make any differnce at this point, the fog is deep...so I will end it saying good luck, cause you are going to need it.

let me clarify something. One of the points I was trying to make is that if you want this man as H for the rest of your life, the worst possible way to ensure that is remarry under these conditons. He needs the pressures of pursuing you without gaurantees to make the changes, you don't change without pressure to do so, and you are removing that pressure, thereby actually reducing the likelihood of getting the outcome you seek.

One other thought, you want to find out what he is really made of...then tell him you have reconsidered, not a good idea now, and you require him to stop asking you. Then observe what happens, does he take it like a responsible man, and vow to continue doing the work he needs to do, or will he whine and continue to cajole, and cry about how he can't live without you...all HIGHLY manipulative victim techniques....or maybe even get angry and start blaming you for not caring...whatever, all would be bad signs. If he makes this hurdle (which I highly doubt) then just let him be for a year, watch him close, and see if he grows into marriage material....my guess is in short order (6 months or less) he will be off chasing some other co-dependent and blaming you. You have absolutely nothing to lose by not remarrying now, I suspect your primary motivation is fear of being alone, or losing him to someone else....you do realize that would be a good thing don't you....you need to lose him if that is all the gumption he has, and the sooner you find that out, the better for you.

Blackberry,

First things first: CONGRATULATIONS

I suspect there is a lot more to this story than we know. I find it interesting that my feelings about your post were so out of step with some of the other posters. I always felt it was YOU that had to do some changing as well, not just him and he meeting your demands. Clearly from the previous posts, my opinion was somewhat different from the others.

I do recall asking you after you post why you would even consider your exH after all of the negative things you said, but always suspected you were venting, AND that some of the negatives had to do to responses to what you were doing or not doing in the marriage.

In any event, I do hope you have a great marriage, I do hope you BOTH decided that it would NOT be an open marriage,otherwise why bother in my mind. But, in any event I hope that you as well as your soon to be H, will work on the marriage with love, kindness, and a large portion of forgiveness in both of your hearts.

God Bless,

JL

Congrats, Blackberry.

I imagine that a few of the stressors in your marriage have softened. Losing a child dramatically increases a couple's chance of divorce. And I imagine that the grief you two experienced was a major problem.

As for an open marriage... If you two are fine, that's cool with me. I know it's not the typical marriage and it's rare anyone here will even bring it up. But, in your case, it may work.

I think if your husband were going to have problems with you physical activities, he'd have had them already. And in so many ways, you two seem to have something. In spite of your list of demands. All of which were negotiable, so they were really requests. LOL.

I'm throwing rice, salt, rose petals and bubbles over you two.

Do post. Keep us up to date, and let us hear how it works out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"We weren't 3 miles from my house when XH asked me to consider remarrying him, and if necessary consider an open marriage, since he knows about my non- platonic friends."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't let him use the open marriage bit to weasel out of fulfilling his dutiful role as your one and only lover. Remember that it was his encouragement for you to have a lover on the side that hurt you to the point of divorcing him. Remind him that sex in marriage is an expression of the love a couple has for one another and not a cardio workout.

Congratulations and I hope that the two of you will use the MB principles to help build a much happier and healthier marriage than the previous one.