Ok I have some issues that I have actually had for a long time and I am not sure how to approach them so I am looking for some guidance and input if you will - here goes...

We have 50/50 joint custody while I am the physcial custodial parent -

The problems are as follows - No set schedule - my girls go with their Dad on Friday nights over night from about 6:30pm to 1:30 /2:00 on Saturday - but sometimes they have dances on Friday nights - so he may pick them up from the dance at 9:30 and then right back to his apartment to bed - then pretty much breakfast and then hang around then bring them home...

I don't feel that he is seeing them enough and I don't feel that the three of them really have any kind of a relationship - (I know not my problem) but - so he lives in a one bedroom apartment - complains to them all of the time that he has no money - and cannot always buy them stuff...

My thirteen year old wants no part of him what so ever - and my 10 year old wants to see her Dad but is weary about going by herself and maybe being bored with just Dad - so every week it is a constant fight between me and exhusband about if the kids are going with him - what kind of activities they have that evening etc...

So again the blame thing he thinks that I have turned the girls against him - (I have not) I wrote him a letter and said listen - I think that you just need to take them every other weekend and when they have things to do you can take them - we will not interrupt their lives what so ever - they will just establish a life with you and hopefully a much better relationship with you - let me know if and when you want to talk is what I wrote..

So long story short I had to call him - he said he has no problem with seeing the girls every other weekend - but that he feels that if they are forced then I will be alienating him further in their minds - but if I want to do it fine no problem... Now basically my thinking is that - if he doesn't spend more time with them now at this age - in a few years they are never gonna want to see him - but do I force them and take the blame all on myself again - that I am doing them an injustice???? I don't want them growing up liking one parent better than the other - Though their Dad did a horrible thing to me and essentailly to the family - he is still their Dad Right??? Has anyone else had to deal with something like this??? Also my 13 year old's therapist told her that if she didn't want to see her Dad at age 14 she could go to court and give her opinion (mind you I am not taking her to court) but my exhusband says that if he doesn't see them because they don't want to see him then he doesn't have to pay child support??? Has anyone ever heard of this??? Please help - I don't know what I should do - if anything???

MAW,

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with your exH. I don't know where he got his information from, but as far as I know it doesn't matter if he sees them or not. He is financially responsible for his kids until they are 18. Besides, if he wanted to be a good father then he would pay the support weather he sees them or not. I don't know how many times I have heard or have to tell someone that the money that we get as custodial parents is for the kids. Most noncustodial parents think that we use the money to buy things for us. He just needs to get his act together and build a good relationship with his children before it is to late and not worry about the time or the money.

As far as what you can do is simply talk to your children about it. I would also recommend that you steer them in his direction with those questions if possible. If they aren't then you take it to him for them.

Indy

<small>[ October 21, 2003, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</small>

Indy - thanks - I pretty much thought that he was responsible financially for them until they were 18 also - and I pretty much told him that - so that really isn't the issue I guess - the issue is that - am I doing them more damage in the long run if I don't fight for this relationship between the three of them - or do I just let it go by the wayside - with him feeling bad for himself because his kids don't like him??? But never really doing anything to make them want to be with them ??? Or do I force them to go with him every other weekend - and hope that eventually the three of them will work it out and form a relationship???? I am pretty much sick of the blame being thrown back at me - when basically I didn't cause any of these problems to begin with !!!!

MAW,

I understand now. I had the same problem with my STBX. She didn't want to take them overnight and if she did it was for 1 night only. I told her that she needed to build a good relationship with the kids or they aren't going to want anything to do with her. At the same time I talked to the kids and let them know that they needed to talk to their mother about it and after she would have them for the weekend I asked them if they talked to her about it. That way they are getting it from the source and not being put in the middle. I think that if they do that you would be suprised how fast he will change his tune. Other then that there really isn't anything that you can do. We can't force our kids to go somewhere they don't want to go. It is totally up to him. I would recommend to him that he do the little things like calling the kids in the evening and asking how there day went. He needs to so them that he loves them and wants to be involved in their lives. If they are in sports then he needs to make the attempt to be there.

Indy

<small>[ October 21, 2003, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</small>

Indy - I have pretty much done all of that - I have told them it was between their Dad and them - but they tend to drag me right in the middle of it.. I think he is dealing with some hurt feelings because they haven't just accepted the fact that he left and they don't want to spend a lot of time with him.. I have told him over and over that he should call them everynight - there is no reason not to - even though they might not want to talk to him - at least he has called and sooner or later they are gonna realize that heck maybe he really does care... I have told him to tell him he loves them and if they say it back fine but if they don't then let it go... I am thinking that pretty much I have done everything I can do - it really is up to him and then it goes to them... I cannot make them go with him -right?? I mean I can make them go - but would it backfire on me ??? I don't know - I really am just sick about the whole situation.... Divorce bites pretty much is all I am thinking now...

MAW,

You are right divorce bits. I also understand being sick of the whole situation. From what you have told me it is out of your hands. The only thing you can do is keep giving the kids guidance and encouragement.

Indy

<small>[ October 21, 2003, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</small>

thank you Indy I shall try that - And hopefully someone else will come along with some insight....

No problem. I hope I have helped and I will check in to see how it is going.

Indy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but they tend to drag me right in the middle of it.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">right, you need to stay out of their relationship, meaning, encourage the relationship, refuse to get in the middle. . . do not take sides, do not even answer questions that your XH should answer. . .

encouraging is making the time available, encouraging the time, etc. . . what happens during or in that relationship, none of your business. . . . unless there is abuse.,. . . which so far, you haven't mentioned. . .

wiftty

Hi Mimi!
I feel your pain! My ex has been asserting his rights to see his kids lately. My son has gone to see him twice in the past month. My daughters had a conflict the first time and couldn't go, and the second time the girls just plain didn't want to go. Son had a good time and wants to go back. The girls just aren't sure whether they will ever want to see him. I don't force mine...x has only seen or called kids about 3 times this year, so their feelings are very hurt.
PLUS, I've yet to get child support. I did go to the Atty. General, and they are getting me a court date, but this could take up to 4 months.
So....
yeah, divorce bites. I never bargained for this, but you know, I'm doing better lately than I had been. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Your x HAS to pay child support according to the decree, it is the law. MY x thinks it's optional, he will soon find out. Visitation is a completely separate issue from child support...they can't seem to understand that, I know.
Well, I've rambled...good luck. Let me know how things go!
KK

Well Wifty - hello - he came over tonight actually came into the house to see my youngest daughter - and he told the girls he would see them Friday night - my oldest daughter put up somewhat of a fight and he said nope I will pick you up after your party on Friday night - there is no reason why you cannot come over after - I just told her simply after he left and she went at it with me that he was their father - and by no means did I not want them to have a relationship with him - and she said that she didnt want to - so she is angry and no their is no abuse at all - absolutely no question about that - and after she went to bed I called him and asked him if he would be willing to go to the therapist with her and he said absolutely - so I am going to talk to the therapist tomorrow and see what she says - he is geniunely making an effort now - I think he is putting aside his hurt feelings from their rejection and trying to make things right with them..
KK2002 - wow I am glad that for your kids sake that he has called them and made some sort of an effort - hopefully soon you will get the child support that you so desperately need and deserve... I think sometimes with girls it is harder because they know the pain that we have been through - you know... I hope things work out with you soon...