Only a couple months ago I found out my husband was meeting another woman he met over the net. There were many signs of his *distractions* because our intimate relationship was nearly gone, he became secretive and his time away from home...on business..was greater. According to him the relationship is over..and never got physical. However, our relationship ( and i must say..I have never brought up the OW or anything remotely like that since we spoke about it)hasn't gotten any better. WE seem to talk more, but if I mention or try to get his intimate attention..he has a number of excuses. He complains he is too tired, he thinks his blood pressure is up, its hot...or whatever. Yet, he insists its not me, but rather his desire is just down a bit. We've only been married 2 1/2 years, and I haven't changed size, looks at all. We have no children at home. Its just he and I. I am at my wits end here. I really miss the loving and affectionate relationship we once had..but now our bed if basically..SLEEPING ONLY!!! <BR>If I try to put something nice on or set a romantic mood..he just turns away.<BR>I have never once cheated on him..or even given him the feeling I might. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? He swears its not me...and things will be ok again. He can sit and talk to me..not about sex tho...or we can play..tickle and such...even cuddle at night...BUT SEX ISN'T HAPPENING. He won't see a doctor or a counselor. I REALLY NEED SOME HELP!<BR>Im not sure I can live in a none affectionate relationship. It makes me feel like I have a desease or something. Im just not sure what to do. I find myself counting the days...and trust me...its been over 2 months at times.<BR>ANy advice would be appreciated!<BR>

Your husband is being distracted by this woman and you should ask to meet her<P>Speak to them both<P>Ask her to break it off<P>He should not be meeting other women as he is supposed to be with you<P>Get a minister in immediately to see you both about your relationship as he is going to hurt your feelings badly<P>Start going to a christian church<P>A couple that prays together stays together

My H and I bought some sex toys. It's weird at first but does add excitment. We went shopping together so we could agree what we wanted. Have you tried the emotinal needs questionare? Maybe print it out and you can go over them toghter. <BR>I am not to interested in sex either. I am not cheating, but am the WS 4yrs ago. I think it's cause of a deprssion problem, but i am going top counseling.<BR>Maybe he needs to be told that he is attractive, maybe he needs more attetion, kind of hard to give it to him if his eyes are on another female though.<BR>maybe try to make him jealous and he will snap out and say "look what i have"<BR>I don't have much great advice, but these are things I would try. Good luck. Sherry

As far as toys or other additives to help in the sexual area...that was never our problem. We are both very sexually active and both willing to include fun things to our relationship. My problem isn't quite that. I can present myself to him in an erotic manner..( which always got his attention before) and lately nothing happens. Its almost as if his sexual interest in me is totally gone. He says he feels guilty about being with this OW..yet says nothing was physical. He also uses other excuses such as its too hot, or Im too tired. He is working quite a lot more lately, but so am I. I feel like if I can find the time to be with him ( which isnt a chore for me) he should be able to. OR at least validate my feelings...let me know he wants me..but whatever. He just childishly says...not now...leave me alone..Or I love this one...its been 2 months..and he can say..AGAIN? Gee, makes me feel even worse. Im not sure what to do. he isnt religious, so a minister wouldnt help. He is definately a GUY..thinking gals are totally from another planet..hehe best way I could say that. Im sorta at my wits end about this. I love him and dont mind being patient...but goodness, I dont want to be his roommate...I want to be his wife again. I feel like even though he was the one that cheated...I am the one being punished. Im not a griping wife, I do take good care of him, and I've always been supportive of him. I will say...Im 11 years older then he. Im 41 and he is 30...but the OW he was involved with is 44..so Im totally lost!<BR>

To ClassyAngel<BR>I can't believe how much you sound like me. My H had an A during 1999 its been over for more than a year but I found out in Dec. 2000. The thing is he does not want tohave sex with me and I feel like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. I have never cheated and I know he regrets ever meeting this slut. (I call her slut because there are things I can't get into about her but she is a slut in every sense of the word). He says its him not me butI swallowed that line of crap for years before he decided to have sex with her. I still love him we've been together 22 years married for almost 20. Every time I try to talk about it we argue because I can't seem to get my point across without screaming. I'm at my wits end some days. All I can say is I refuse to give up. Any other ideas.<p>[This message has been edited by zinc182 (edited August 24, 2001).]

Hi Zink,<BR>Im sorry to hear you're having the same trouble. I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. I will say this past week ( praying it lasts ) has been a bit better, not just in the sex area, but also in other things. He has started holding my hand again when we are in the car, or teasing me in the store..hanging on me. These little things seemed to leave when he wandered. I'm praying it will all be ok soon. Praying seems to help me a lot. At least I know or feel..someone out there is hearing me. We are also in the process of buying a home, and he seems to be a bit more settled this week. <BR>I don't dare bring up sex or anything like that, because its always well...its me dear, not you. Well...in my heart its US...either Im not doing something right, or his heart isnt in it. But it's something more for sure. One thing bad is because it has been so long ago, when it finally does happen, i find myself wanting more, or never wanting it to stop. I have to be good though and allow him to make the first move. Whatever happened to gallant men? Whatever happened to the man that swoops his woman off and live happily ever after? Heck, why can't we just live content? hmmm Life is a puzzle..and Im just another game piece..unfortunately, my H is the one holding the pieces.

Classy, I just don't understand when I feel like I'm doing my best at doing everything right I still seem to be the one getting punished. Your right our H are definitely holding the pieces but I think everything seems to be up to them. I asked my H point blank why, why can't you be with me I get nothing. Just I can't or leave me alone for a while. Thats the problem I did leave him alone about it and look what happened. I'm not saying thats why he had the A but sex has always been a problem. You see I have a much higher sex drive than he does. But right now its like he has none. He has said he wants the marriage to work, he loves me even though he may not say it enough, Well I think say it enough you never even show me. I'm the one who tries to be affectionate. I try to wait for him to be affectionate (not sex) but I get so impatient. I feel like if I try to make the first move I only get rejected and if I want to talk about it I get punished because I brought it up again. So now he stays away from me even longer. AM I CRAZY or What? I guess I'm just venting. We actually had a good weekend. Thanks for listening.<p>[This message has been edited by zinc182 (edited August 27, 2001).]

Seems that nothing is forever, and it also aplies to withdrawal. You had it once, then why not to keep the hope on his return to normal. People change...maybe nothing will be the same.....can be better!!!. Be patient. Be as patient as I cannot be because my problem goes even further than yours. My husband has NEVER found me attractive in the sexual level. He has never felt satisfaction with me, nor even has had a fantasy in which I take part. He loves me like he loved his mother. And this whole situation is pathetic. I cannot stop crying. It has become the most permanent of my activities. I cannot understand or even accept that I am not sexually attractive to him. I am popular, interesting, well educated, and also feel beautiful. He just does not believe in sexual love if there is no "chemistry", some passion that comes without effort. What is chemistry?. Is that real?. Can that change?. I guess not. But YOU HAD IT!. Wait, pray.....be good to your self, and be also brave. I wish you the best. I am moved by stories like yours. I wish I had the memories of a beautiful romantic love, even if my marriage is broken, but I do not have any. What I thought was pretty, he saw as a huge performance of the cheapest kind. <BR>He loves me though. I still ask. Can you belive this?. <BR>Be well. <BR>Julianna

I will say that our marriage began heated...lots of sexual activity and passion involved on all levels. It wasn't till this past year that things have gone downhill in the sexual department. I am guilty of saying this too...but some women say..if he held me all night, I'd be content with that. Well, mine does hold me through the night, he will tickle me, or bwe playful. He will grab my tush, or squeeze me for no reason...just when it comes to making love..it's gone. He blames it on all sorts of reasons...but swears its not me. I get the feeling he wants to be with me, but I just dont thrill him enough to make love to me. Either that or because of his A he is guity about doing it with me...I'm grabbing at straws, because honestly I have no idea what is going on. I'd just like the intimate relationship we once had to return. I do admit my drive is much more then his..and i am trying to be strong and wait till he is ready. Its just really hard!!

Juliana, Without prying too much, you said your H never found you sexually attractive, but how did you end up married. You must have some memories of you and your husband being together. Maybe your H is just going through something he can't explain. Maybe you both could use some advice from Dr. Ruth. As for me I pray all the time. But I get so impatient. Next week is his birthday the big 50. I'm planning a little surprise party for him. Hopefully he will be extremely greatful. Sometimes I think I'm nice to him just to see if he'll react to me. Maybe want to be with me again. Pretty stupid or pretty pathethic. I don't know which. I just love him and want to be with him He just doesn't seem to get it. I hope your situation will get better. Thanks for listening. Zinc <p>[This message has been edited by zinc182 (edited August 31, 2001).]

Zink..I don't think you are pathetic or anything remotely like that. You are simply trying to show someone you love just how important he/she is to you. There isn't anything wrong in that. I commend you for trying so hard to maintain a relationship. I too, am trying to do the same thing. Every little bit we do, positively, within our relationship will at some level help..or i belive it will. Prayers in my opinion are esential! I wish you tons of luck with your party and my prayers are with you.

classyangel,Thanks for your imput. Today was not a very good day. It seems if we aren't arguing about sex its money. Unfortunately today it was money. You see his A effective our finances tremendously. All he said to me was that he has to live with it the rest of his life and I keep reminding him. I don't want to remind him but sometimes things come up and I have no choice. Of course I go into a tyraid because his (sluts) name comes up and I have to bring up why you did this or let her do that, you know. Than I feel bad. The thng is I know he is hurting and if he could he would erase everything that ever happened from the time he met her. I think that was the lowest point in his life and he is finding it hard to live with himself. I just wish he would share his feelings with me. I wish he would <BR>realize I am here for him and I do forgive him but I am human and things sometimes come out of my mouth out of frustration. I wish our H would realize what they have in us. I know some other women would have thrown them out on there asses without blinking an eye. <BR>By the way your name suits you, You sound like a very classy lady. Thanks for listening. I'll be praying for the both of us.

Zink, I'm sorry to hear your day has been bad. I will say..money in the best of marriages can cause problems. I wish you luck in that. And thanks for your prayers. ) <BR>One thing I'd like to share with you..It has helped me tramendously...A few things I had to decide after I found out about the OW, and comfronted my H is this: <BR>1.Do I love him?<BR>2.Can I forgive him and move on?<BR>3.Will I allow this situation to haunt me the rest of my life? <BR>See, I feel, it's important for me to have power over the situation, not the situation to have the power over me. Let me explain my comment.<BR>If I constantly watched him, or worried about him having an an affair..then I am giving that affair all the power it needs to drive us further apart. Instead...even knowing he is the one who went outside our marriage, I am "showing" my H as best I can that I not only trust him, but I'm willing to start over again.<BR>In the situation with the money? Well, there are a couple things that I experienced...Our phone bill went up a lot during the A, because my immediate family lives outside the country and I needed emotional support. When it came, we discussed the costs, and I said...well, hon, I needed some emotional support the past month and I'm sure it won't be like that again. Basically...enough said..we both understood and it was dropped. I didn't need to remind him of the A by saying..well hon while you were out playing, I was running up the phone bill crying on my sister's shoulder. Get the idea?<BR>Also, forgiving is a tough thing to do...ITS TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO COMPLETELY FORGIVE SOMEONE< IF YOU ARE ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT IT. The forget part is tougher then forgiving. I just gave that to God. I do come here..obviously I can't foget, but I know my H can't either. I come here for support, just like many others and pray each day that things between my H and I get better. Which I will say are getting there. We are in the process of buying a home and life is stressful anyway...but he is getting more affectionate and seems to be trying as well. <BR>Im working on Number 2 and 3...I definately love my H and will do anything to make it work, less belittling myself. I do fogive him, I do remember, but Im not letting that have any power. I am trying hard not to let it haunt me. Our problem sexually I believe may have little or nothing to do with the A...but, it is returning..a little here and there. Don't laugh but 2 times in a week has my hopes up that we might be over our hump. I think he respects me and loves me more for not holding the A over his head, or bringing it up to him periodically. I'd like to believe our relationship is more important...so, I am giving the A no credit...Good, or bad. Outa sight, outa mind so to speak.<BR>The injured party has the right to take the time needed to get over the betrayal, so, perhaps you need more time. I am just doing the most healthy thing I can do for me at this point. Don't get me wrong...He knows if it happens again, its over between us. I am just trying to be the most positive thing in his life.<BR>I read a quote once I'd like to share with you. "The only way to truly love someone, is to love them like you have never been hurt before." well, it doesn't say that it can't be your spouse. Spouses hurt each other all the time, sometimes daily. I just have to have faith that it will get better. I don't need a miracle with everything perfect again, just a beginning toward a better furture. <BR>Keep your chin up..and when you are about to say something that you know will hurt your H, remember it will only make things worse...stepping back makes a journey much longer!<BR>I wish you both the best...remember to love...only good things come from good.

CA<P>I could have written your post. Our sex life is also, virtually dead. We have been reconciled for 1 yr now. <P>Yes, I get hugs and kisses. And, I really appreciate it. It certainly much more than I got prior to the seperation.<P>He just seems to have a very low sexual desire . This wasn't always the case. Our sex life USED to be quite steamy.<P>I wish I knew the answer as to why it is almost non existant. He says, it's cuz of the kids, being around and awake. I have to take it when I can get it. Like, 6:00 am when the kids are still sleeping. Then it's like wham bam, thank you m'am.<P>I too, wonder if the affair has something to do with this.

Classy, I agree with alot of the things you said. I definitely do love my H or I wouldn't be here. I know I have to let the past go thats why I use this message board. Its just that sometimes the past is in my face and I can't handle it. We actually had a pretty good day yesterday. I am greatful for the good days I just wish my nights were better, if you know what I mean. He can be affectionate but only when I hug him first. As far as sex that is just not happening. Thats the part that is so hard to live with. I feel like I've done everything for him and have stuck by him during this nightmare and I get nothing in return. I want to just say do you know how lucky you are. Its not just the A it is other bad things that happened while he was associated with this slut that are haunting him and me. Believe me any body else would have left by now. The thing is I know deep down he cares and hates himself for what happened and he can't change the past. But I wish he would realize he can change the future, only if he would act like a husband again. I'm just so IMPATIENT!<BR>My goal right now is to stop wasting my time on memories of the slut and start to really recover from the A. I think I'll be using this post alot.Thanks again for your words of wisdom.<BR>

Zink..Im just glad you, like myself, have found a way to vent your frustrations.aka..this website. It's not often that we can do that. In my case, my family is a long ways away. In addition, I like the ability to speak my mind without ppl knowing who I am. Honestly, his A embarrasses me. And finally, I have a place to speak my mind with others suffering in the same situation. ( we all can benefit one another ) Im greatful for comments from everyone who has answered me in this forum. WE definately need one another. IM very thankful our relationship is getting better...and I pray it continues. either way..I plan on returning and keeping in touch with everyone, assistancing, or once again asking advice..( hopefully Im past the hard questions..haha) I believe the knowledge of knowing there are others out there having to deal with the same situations, helps us tremendously..i mean, we aren't a lone any longer. That made me feel much better. Hopefully, we will be much stronger shortly..and on the road to making things much better!

Classy, Thanks again for the response. I am greatful to this forum because sometimes I think I'm going crazy. But I see there, unfortunately, are other people out there like me. This week has been going pretty good. This weekend I'm having a surprise party for my H 50th BD. I hope he's surprise. I'm glad things are going well with you too. I just wish my sex life was normal, I keep praying. I'm sure in time he'll come around. He knows I'm aways here for him. Now if only I can be Patient.