I have posted here before but it has been awhile. Need some advice. Preferably from men who have been in my x's situation. HE HATES ME. I left him one year ago this month. I filed for divorce in June and it should be over soon. Married 23 years, he loved me dearly, but he was a cheater. After the last one 5 years ago, I lost all respect for him. My feelings for him changed for the worse and I stayed as long as I could. What can I do to lessen his anger and pain? He moved 300 miles away and says he does not want to ever see or talk to me again. We have a 12 yr old that he calls and sees every other weekend. He is with another woman that has 3 kids still in school. He said he was so mad at me that he could kill me!! Now that's mad!! I don't know whether to keep trying to talk to him or just give up. I ask him could he please put aside his anger for me for our son, and he told me no. Do I just let it ride?

yes, you do. . .
you let him go to find his own life. . .

you communicate in other ways than by voice, if you have problems wdealing with his anger, and you let him figure out how to live his life the way he wants. . .

wiftty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"What can I do to lessen his anger and pain?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nothing except maybe being courteous and civil towards him when you have a chance to speak to him about your son. At the very least, it will not fuel his anger and pain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I don't know whether to keep trying to talk to him or just give up. I ask him could he please put aside his anger for me for our son, and he told me no. Do I just let it ride?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes let it ride. You have to keep in mind that we men, unlike women, tend to go to our caves to lick our wounds and the last thing we want to see is the person we beleive wounded us to give us first aid.

I agree with both the above. You cannot control his reactions, and to even try will only bring about more pain for him as well as you. He doesn't want your help, so leave him alone if you really want to help him.

While not in the same situation, my ex was the adultress and left me, I can understand his feeling of never wanting to see you again. I try daily to forgive... I pray every day. Somedays I feel at peace... some days I spend my drive to work going over and over things in my mind. I have learned so stop myself, but it is a slow process. I have joint custody and have my boys well over half time given her choosing to 'give up' her time to go ???. I choose to use email almost exclusively because while I still love her in some fashion, I cannot stand the thought of her. I know that will diminish over time, and it is, but you have to let it happen on HIS schedule, not yours.

There are no magic words... there are no presents or actions... You can hasten the process my not reacting to his reactions and not provoking him. My ex continually blames me for everything that is going on in her life. So, in some ways, she keeps the wounds open on me and even when I am getting better, it seems that there she is to stab me with the knife again when the scars form. But they heal faster, and she can't slash as deeply as she could, but not for lack of trying.

Just let him have his time and leave him alone. Discuss only your children and don't seek to alleviate his pain, however do everything to not add to it if you are capable. Word questions carefully and thoughtfully. Don't accuse even if the accusations are founded. Treat him as well as you can, and don't give him anything else to feel badly about. Don't lie, and don't put yourself out... but you can do things to help your interactions with him.

Thanks for your thoughts. I guess I really have a fear of getting a phone call one day saying that he died. That would kill me. I was with this man for 25 years. I don't know how I could cope with it, knowing that I caused him so much pain and he died with such hatred for me. I know I cannot control his feelings. I thought about sitting down and just writing him a letter and telling him how sorry I was for hurting him. Kind of a closure letter. What do you think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by godhelpme:
<strong> Thanks for your thoughts. I guess I really have a fear of getting a phone call one day saying that he died. That would kill me. I was with this man for 25 years. I don't know how I could cope with it, knowing that I caused him so much pain and he died with such hatred for me. I know I cannot control his feelings. I thought about sitting down and just writing him a letter and telling him how sorry I was for hurting him. Kind of a closure letter. What do you think? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just playing Devil's advocate. Could it be that you still love him and want him back? (At least under the right conditions and using MB methods to reestablish trust and passion).

IMHO I think a kindly type of closure letter would have the effect of a "Love Must Be Tough" measure and may make him want anything BUT closure. With your reaching to communicate with him, he knows you still care. His "hatred" for you definately shows he still cares a great deal and isn't happy with his life as it is now. Others may disagree, but I'll stand by that.

I will always love him, but not the kind of love it takes to sustain a marriage. He put no value on intimacy. If he had the chance to screw around, he would do it. We just do not have the same values anymore. I miss him, but I do not miss our marriage. Even though I am the one who left, it has been very very hard. The woman he is with is just the opposite of me. I don't know, maybe that is who he really is. It hurt's.

Hi GHM,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> by justpeachy today The whole clothes thing is classic NPD. I am not feeding his NPD. I am defying him, thus I am to be devalued. People with NPD either treat people wonderfully (if they are the primary source of their narcissistic supply) or will villify them and devalue them if they choose to break away and not feed their narcissistic disorder </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Narcisistic Personality Disorder

These people think they are better than others. They only care about themselves and care little for other people. They do need other people to confirm them in their greatness.

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy.

An exaggerated sense of self-importance

Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

Requires excessive admiration. Has a sense of entitlement.

Takes advantage of others to achieve. Lacks empathy

The patient is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him.

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors

Patients with Narcisistic Personality Disorder exaggerate their achievements and talents, and are surprised when they do not receive the recognition they expect.

Their inflated self-evaluation implies a thinly veiled devaluation of others and their accomplishments.

Narcisistic patients only pursue relationships that they perceive will benefit them in some way.

Interpersonally, they are very entitled, expecting others to meet their needs immediately and can become quite indignant if this does not happen.

These patients are self-absorbed and unable to respond to the needs of others.

Any perception of criticism is poorly tolerated
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does any of this fit? Have you read much about NPD? My dad was one, and my exH was... it's horrible to live with these people.

Please keep yourself safe. Whatever his problem, he does not seem rational... Take care - Dru

Well, thankfully this does not describe my x at all. He is a very caring person and has a big heart. Unfortunetly, he extended that to other females outside our marriage. I'm not saying he did it constantly, but he may as well had. It couldn't have hurt any worse. I do think he was truley sorry, and I forgave him. But, that doesn't always make it ok. I fought the feelings I had for a long time and prayed about it constantly. I just couldn't get past it. There hasn't been a day for the past 5 years I haven't thought about it. When you have that in your mind every day for so long, it takes its toll. We should have went to counseling but didn't. And now he hates me. Sure, if I were able to get past it, we would be together today. And I could continue in the marriage, but what I am saying is it changed my feelings for him and I couldn't do anything about it. I hate it as bad as he does. But, I do feel it is over. We were seperated 3 months and hadn't even filed for divorce and he was with another woman. That just proved to me that he did not value our marriage, just like before when he was with other women. I had rather be by myself. I can't even stand the thought of him touching me anymore. I just do not want him after he has been with someone else. What is the name you call a man whore? That is what I think of him, and I can't live like that anymore.

When he says he hates YOU, it is actually what psychologists call projection. He hates HIMSELF. But the human psyche cannot deal with this, and so it is projected onto another, often the people we feel most safe with. The one who loves us most. Kids do this all the time, especially when young; they get into trouble from a parent, and they say "I HATE YOU!" when a punishment is dealt out. What they really mean is that they hate the situation they put themselves in.

YOU are not to blame in all of this. Never, ever forget that. It is crucial to you dealing with it. The WS did the wrong thing, and in your case, and in mine, they did it over and over again. They have to blame SOMEONE, since they know that a normal person would not do this. Since the EGO within all of us strives to make us feel important and create balance, our biggest mistakes target the biggest scapegoats.

DO NOT take it on board. Just know that you are, and probably always have been, the faithful and loving person you think you are. It is not you with the keep-your-pants-on problem here.

Love and light,

Jacky

Thanks so much for that post. Those words do really help me, because today was one of those self-blame days. It is just sooo sad. We had a wonderful family. 3 kids, one is married, one just started college, one is 12. I just feel sooo guilty when I look at my 12 year old. I feel I cheated him from his dad, they were so close. He moved 300 miles away. I try to be the best mom I can be, but I know how much he misses his dad. It breaks my heart.