my wife divorced me 38 days ago. her mother has a huge influence over her. she sends me so many mixed signals. she divorced me 20 days before our 2 year anniversary. she went to tampa anyway on the gift i bought for the occassion on our anniversary weekend. while there i grabbed her hand to hold it. she said that's what couples do so i let go. one hour later she took my arm and put around her neck. later that night she grabbed my hand and held it. we also made love that night(she iniated) and the next night (i iniated). then she told me she felt guilty because we weren't married anymore. she also told me that she just wanted to be friends and that she wanted to date other people. she divorced me partly because i wasn't a member of her church. she said she did not tell her family she went to tampa with me and that she never would. when we got back home we worked out together. i brought us up and she flipped out and said that i was pressuring her.(???) a few days later i told her i decided to get baptised in her church and asked if she would come. i thought that she would at least a little happy. she wasn't. she called me after i left and told me that she needed to be completely honest if i was going to join her church. she said i don't love you and i don't want to ever get back together. i went back and we made love again the next morning. after which she said she felt guilty because she was trying to get right with God. i told her i didn't want to see her again. she sounded astonished. i did not speak to her for 5 whole days. she called me to tell me to pick up my mail and that we had an offer on our house. she also chit-chatted with me. on sunday i offered to put my half of the house note in the mailbox. she said "no". come inside and hang out. she was wearing her wedding band on the right hand. i told her it was on the wrong hand. she said "why would i wear it on my left hand? you're not wearing yours." to her surprise i pulled my left hand out of my pocket and showed her that i was. i flirted with her (because i still very much love her and she knows this; she was usually the one initiating the flirting)and she flirted back. she asked if she could call me. my brother called her and told her she needed to tell me one way or the other. she was upset and said she didn't want to see me anymore and that we had no future. she said she was only trying to be my friend by flirting with me and inviting me in and the ring comment. what is her deal? does she still love me? is she leading me on? is she afraid she won't find anyone else? PLEASE HELP!!!!

VES, mixed signals are a good sign. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's a tough rollercoaster, but it shows there's hope.

Also, Marriage counselors will tell you that frequently after a couple decides to divorce they'll make love. But that's only once. You two are ... well.

Here's some stuff. You NEVER initiate discussions about "us." You can still offer to workout with her. Go to the movies. But, you tell her, and make it clear "it's just friends." And don't initiate too often. Getting close is scary. She's probably not ready for that yet.

Meanwhile, read everything on this site. Get the books, Love Busters, His Needs/Her Needs are must reading. Fall in Love Stay in Love is also recommended.

Fill in the Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ) and the LoveBuster Questionnaire (LBQ) from her point of view. Don't ask her to fill it in yet. But, pretend you're she and fill it in. Based on that, eliminate all LoveBusters starting now. Meet whatever needs she'll let you.

And I wouldn't tell her you're doing this. Let her see your actions, feel the results of your actions.

Later when she comments on the changes, you can tell her about the site.

Good luck. Keep us posted, and post on Emotional Needs. More people over there and quick responses.

thanks green. my wife acts like she knows she doesn't want to be with me. she has told me she wants kids still, just not with me. when we made love in tampa i told her that i loved her and she looked away. what does that mean? i actually just spent about the last 4 hours with her telling her initially it was just as friends hanging out. she was very receptive to flirting. we probably would have made love again had she let me stay longer. she told me i should probably go since she was trying to be good and stay right with God. should i also mention that while we separated earlier this year (5 LONG months)she came up and made love to me at least once a month. i asked her why if she was going to divorce me and she said "it was just sex, we're adults, we have needs." more mixed signals??

Ves, have you read this whole site? If so, you will know that romantic love is a responsive feeling to another person's actions that meet our needs.

So, right now, you're wife isn't "in love" with you. But you do meet her need for sexual fulfillment. And problably along the way you meet her need for admiration, openness and honesty (especially if you share fantasies), and attractive spouse.

Here is the beauty of Marriage Builders: You can make your spouse fall back in love with you provided there isn't an OP, and sometimes even when there is an OP.

Eliminate all LBs. Meet her ENs. Employ POJA and the rule of spending time together.


Develop a plan and follow it.

<small>[ October 22, 2003, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

It's funny sex means both more and less to women. We aren't supposed to have sex unless we're in love. Actually unless we're in a very committed relationship.

And yet, to whom is sex usually an essential ingredient of romantic love? The man.

I think it's interesting it was once a month. Her hormones probably over powered all aspects of her will power. LOL.

One thing I suggest you do when she pulls the "Being good" deal on you, point out that her God does NOT endorse divorce. And in fact, God says right in the Bible that husbands and wives should have sex. Whether or not God would consider you divorced is another thing.

Oh, Ves, I really haven't a clue what I'm talking about. Listen to me only when I'm regurgitating Dr. Harley's principles. Then you can't go wrong.

can anyone help me. my wife (now ex) is still giving me mixed signals.
please help me.

anyone out there?

What denomination of church does she go to?