I have told H what needs to take place for us to continue to work on M. I also have tried to tell him that we don't need to hurt each other through this because there has been enough of that already. When we have talked as of late, I have tried to tell him that I am not picking on him, but that I just cannot live like this any longer and it is purely for survival of me. That the things that I have requested of him, are things that need to happen to show that he is sincere on working on M (time frames as well). Because if not, I explained that we are just fooling ourselves into thinking that we are moving ahead in this or just moving and going nowhere.
Thanks to all for your posts, thoughts and prayers

M&Q - the real issue here is not whether your H is sincere or even whether counseling will help him. The question is -- what do you want to do? This last time my H and I separated, I KNEW that was it. Of course I've had hopes of reconciling, but I wasn't going to give him another chance, I was going to require PROOF that he was getting help and on the recovery path before I would let him back into my life. I came to this decision easily and have stuck to it. I had been in recovery for over a year and I was READY to make the decision.

If you want to give your H another chance and see if he's going to follow up his words with actions, then that is okay. It's your choice and whatever choice you make will be the right one for you. I also had these concerns when I let my H return 2 years ago -- but someone told me then, and it was good wisdom, that if he doesn't follow through, you can always leave again.

I also know of many women who are currently living with an active SA. They are not staying hoping to "fix" him nor do they expect much of a relationship from them, but they all have their own reasons for staying. If I had known my H was going to demote himself into a job paying $10.72/hr. (when he was making $35,000/yr.), I may have also decided to stay. And I know women whose husband's HAVE entered recovery. The best thing you can do is help yourself, your H may follow or not... and in my case, my H didn't follow and I found that when he crossed my bottom line again, I was able to enforce my boundaries and stick to them.

Dede

I have done a lot of reading, praying and soul searching throughout the years and I am at the point where I everything currently (that I am doing) is moving toward what is best for my children and myself. Through God's grace I am at peace with all of this for the first time that I can remember. Everything will be fine with or without H. I was and always have been a supportive/faithful W. So I know in my heart that I have followed our vows which gives me strength. The boundaries have already been set. Those things will either be done or a dv is imminent. I hope this doesn't sound cold (it's just that I really am a peace). I know that he has to seek IC or we are done. Then continue IC and have actions ring the truth not words..because those are just tooo easy. H has been told and made aware of boundaries and dates...so the ball is somewhat in his court until the dates hit. Then actions become the deciding factor. thx

Hey m&q!

Your resolve is much like what my x (no, we're not together, dv final July 23, 2003) went through a year ago. She knew in the deepest reaches of her being it wasn't about her but about how much in denial I was about the lie I was living. She silently Plan B'd me for self preservation. Actually her resolve occurred sometime during last summer when I kept cancelling IC appts. even though I wasn't in throes of an A; I simply wasn't taking care of myself (cleaning house, so to speak) as she knew I had major issues with relationships in general, let alone our M.

Realty (my bottom) set in for me in Oct/Nov timeframe '02, when x said she was finished and wanted a dv. Ironically, by the time she announced her decision I had been to 2 IC sessions and continue to go to this day (my life has done a complete 180) for maintenance purposes. I never shared with her my initiative to go to IC as it became clear to me that I had to take care of myself before I could bring any value to the table of our marriage (all the while too late to recover and restore), she had no knowledge I was going, either!

Yes! It hurt deeply for I lost the one woman who I knew had treated me with greatest respect, dignity and love...I NEVER reciprocated! Yeah, I had moments of displaying great love but not like I discovered I'm capable of one year later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...We both have moved on and I am happy and content with my life; and I know she is too.

Before I extend to you my x's MB display name, perhaps, as she appears here now and again, she will read this and post to you insight of what she endured during our M! And as I said she has moved to a place and time where it might be safe to share without elicitng too many negative emotions!

BTW- until I fell out of love with living a lie my friends (many from church) and family knew nothing about MY LIFE!

Blessings to you m&q.

Dear M&Q,
This has been a very interesting thread to read as I could be you. I'm also married to a serial adulterer. His affairs are not typically sexual. He has had a number of emotional affairs.

I'm still with him but am in constant question about whether I should be. I too have prayed, read, counseled and begged God for wisdom.

It's great that you have come to a point of peace with your decision. That is so important. That is the best indicator that you are doing God's will. If you truly have been seeking Him, as it sounds like you have, then being at peace is a great place to be. You can continue to move on knowing that you are doing what is right for you and your family.

That is what I have lacked for some time... peace that I should precede one way or the other. I'm trusting the Lord to show me His path. That is where I want to be.

God bless you!

Hi
I'm sorry for your pain. I have not posted in a long time. I have been divorce for almost a year. About a year before my divorce I was ready. I thought: I love him, I forgive him, but I am no longer willing to live in the chaos. My life is drama-free. There is so much peace in my home because I am separated from the chaos. My ex hates me, he can't believe I did it! I am grateful for who I have become through the experience. I am also grateful that I tried as long as I did so that there is no remorse/regret. I know now that no matter how bad my life is it will never be as bad as me in that situation. By divorcing him, I am allowing him to reap the full consequences of his habitual sin. By staying married to him, I was just as much a sinner, because I allowed him to do it to me and to himself by staying.

I hope you find peace.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers! It is definitely needed and always appreciated.
Catch22222
Thank you for your honesty and openess to help (not only myself..but others as well on MB). It has been such a long time, that I used to believe in my heart that things would change and get better. Throughout this whole journey...my spiritual life continues to get stronger (for that I am and always will be truely blessed). I also believe that it is why God is leading me away from H currently because of his continued behaviors and lack of submission to God's will for him. I find it very strange and almost surreal that there is this peace that I have currently with this. I know that God will protect us (my children and myself) throughout the obstacles that lie ahead. Daily continuing to pray the H really truely does submit to God and ask to be saved and find IC. I believe that with all my being that those two things are the only things that will save him from the reoccurring terrible destructive patterns that he has done for so long. Maybe your xw will read some of your threads and realize that at least you are healed. Which is truely a blessing from the Lord. thx again
Leah2be - I'm so sorry that you could be in the same situation that I am in. I have only told two very close friends that are very strong in their faith and I felt that I could tell them because they would not judge the situation or me or H...but just be there. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. Once I did it though, I knew in my heart that our M probably wouldn't be saved. They both asked ...how did you know. I think that if you truely are one in your M (or at least used to be ) that you just know...I knew before it was ever confirmed.
LuvNProtectme - It is truely wonderful that Gods grace can bring us to peace through such "heck" isn't it? I am so very happy that you have found such strength and inner peace now.


I will add you all to my daily prayers and hope we continue to lean on Him for our strength and peace. Dutch Sheets wrote a book called Intercessory Prayers and it he said that we're into microwaving and God is into marinading... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I thought how true! thx again

my xH is a serial cheater. He will only and can only feel pain when the pain directly affects him...not when the pain is directed and felt by somebody else.

I strongly suspect my x has NPD. He's already cheated and lied to his live in OW who's preggo.

And been abusive to her also.

So until they want to change, nothing will work. I too have had so much more peace after leaving him despite the roadblocks and hurdles I've had to jump in divorcing him as he's like a violent tornado leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

Peace is knowing he cannot cheat on you anymoe and mock your vows anymore. It is a death sort of. And sometimes it still hurts. But that's ok. We CAN feel. We can understand. We worked on us. But the real deal is that they have problems and issues with self control and maybe esteem, not to mention possibly other mental issues.

Like my old counselor told me...the reasons people give for affairs and for divorcing their spouses for somebody else are usually very fixable complaints and not at all the real issue at hand. The real issue is smoke and mirrors. They blame others and point the finger elsewhere when they have serious problems themselves. Most marriages are fixable, but when somebody's made the decision to leave or has such a strong addiction to the OP, then the marriage has no chance literally.

I think with my xh, it's not a sex addiction, it's all about a power play and having control over others who make him feel good about himself because he has low self esteem despite his being overtly arrogant and self absorbed. I don't say that to be mean, i say it because it is what's happening to him now. Truth is, if he had that "epiphany" and saw how he was emotionally in shambles and sought professional help, he would have no choice but come back and admit what he did and at the very least show guilt and responsibility for his actions.

I think that there may be others who's WS have NPD...It robs their conscience of feeling shame or guilt and makes them devoid of understanding what they've done to their families.

Just Peachy - Like I said in a earlier post, serial cheaters add such a different twist into this mess. Ugh! Yes, I think that they really can't understand the destruction that they cause along the way...or they wouldn't be able to continue. I'm glad that you are at peace...I will pray for you, your son and that your husband is saved and finds peace as well...thx for sharing

m&q

My exh was/is a "seriel cheater"... I think it's just an excuse!! I don't buy it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ISleepAlone
You may be right..but I can't see that they (serial cheaters) truely understand the devistation that they leave in their paths. Maybe some do, but I would like to believe (and maybe I'm naieve) that most just don't get it