We are in process of writing separation agreement and I accept joint (legal, not physical) custody, just for the sake of my son...

Yesterday I asked a lawyer, if my ex fails or doesn't behave according to agreement (visitation, making decisions together), or if he after while begin to neglect his responsibility - I would ask for sole custody.
Lawyer said that I would have some barrier/difficulties (unlike now when I could get it very easy).

I don't understand why! Wouldn’t it be more logical that if I gave them the chance (to my x and our son), if we try this and doesn’t work, if he shows that x is irresponsible as he is – why obstacles in getting sole custody???

Any thoughts/experience please?

<small>[ October 23, 2003, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

I know our state, NJ, promotes Joint Legal custody, and is moving closer to 50/50 physical custody when possible - ie. two involved parents.

It's tougher later because you'll need to closely document to prove his lack of parenting.
Many fathers fight for more custody to decrease child support, but some are unable to care for the children themselve. I believe my X is this way, and his parent's continue to enable him in caring for the children.

If you are more concerned with time with your children, and your X decreases visitation, then you benefit. If your concerns are financial, ie. CS, then you'd need to go back and prove that he's not keeping them as often. Document, document, & document.

Thanks newly!

My concerns are not related to financials/CS, but X's behavior when he is with our son...

If it were just for me, I would get sole custody right away, no dilemma.
But, somehow, I don&#8217;t feel I have the right to cut him off my son life?)&#8230; as I said, I&#8217;m doing this for my son&#8230; to have Father... the rest is up to my X.

Still not knowing how I&#8217;ll deal with it...

Knowing that I would be parenting with a passive/aggressive man who could not mentally hear me because of his bullheadedness and who did not respect me much because he perceived me as the cause of all his unhappiness, I wanted sole custody. However, we decided on joint legal custody but I got primary care. And, this is the important part, I got the right to make all the decisions as long as I kept their dad informed on the major decisions.

This means, I can decide whether or not they have surgery, where they go to school, all that stuff. I don't have to have his approval. I just have to keep him informed.

Sort of de facto sole custody for the practical part of life.

But, in allowing it to be written up as joint legal custody, if they need medical treatment while at his home, he can authorize it. I have heard that the parent who does not have custody can not authorize emergency medical treatment because they, legally, are not authorized to do so.

Thanks cinderella!

The same here - joint legal custody and I get primary care, his visitation standard.

Please tell me, what does it mean you have "the right to make all the decisions as long as I kept their dad informed on the major decisions"?

Did you put that in Separation Agreement??
(I didn't know that... thought is 50/50... like - you both meet and discuss...)

Also, how did you cope with your fears when your child is with him? His influence on the child... any negative yet?
(Sorry, I don't know how long it has been since your divorce... but I am horrified what (negative) influence my X could have on my son...)

Is it possible to have joint (LEGAL) custody and not to talk to X?
(e.g. via emailing about important child issues)?

The more time goes by and I talk to him... the more I feel/KNOW we'll never agree... and that'll take so much energy away from me... plus being upset again and again, frustrated, unhappy...

Just to correct myself - we can agree but he'll never keep his word...


Another question: do fathers decrease the time with children (by time...)?
(My X already asks if we can be switching weekends if 'something' comes up...)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere:
<strong> Thanks cinderella!

The same here - joint legal custody and I get primary care, his visitation standard.

Please tell me, what does it mean you have "the right to make all the decisions as long as I kept their dad informed on the major decisions"?

Did you put that in Separation Agreement??
(I didn't know that... thought is 50/50... like - you both meet and discuss...)</strong>

This was not in the separation documents. It is in the divorce decree. And I tell him by phone or in person or e-mail him. The manner of keeping him informed is not discribed. If I could find a copy of the decree, I would type that section out for you. I do not have to negotiate with him. I have to 'keep him informed'. It's not defined. I can't believe he didn't have it spelled out more. So, I can decide where they go to school. Whether or not they have elective surgery. Whatever is a major decision. All I have to do is tell him. He can't stop me. BUT, I know I need his cooperation on a lot of things so I do some discussing and emailing on the matter. I wouldn't change schools and expect him to pay half the tuition unless I informed him of the choice. When my son entered kindergarten, I chose the expensive private school he NEEDED. x didn't want to agree to the tuition. I handed him two contracts the school sends out. I told him he had three choices. He could tell the school he would be responsible for all the tuition, half of the tuition, or none of the tuition. And I walked off. He had to deal with the school on it.

I just have to inform him. But I try to make decisions logically and get him to buy into them. Cooperation and understanding are good things.

<strong>Also, how did you cope with your fears when your child is with him? His influence on the child... any negative yet?
(Sorry, I don't know how long it has been since your divorce... but I am horrified what (negative) influence my X could have on my son...)</strong>

All parents have negative influences on their children in some ways. Even the best of us. That is a reality. That's why my children have counselors. I don't know what you have in mind. You might need some professional advice on some matters. But, I knew I can't control what he does or how he parent's but I can listen and talk with my children and tell them it must be tough to deal with two parents who might have different rules but my rules are the rules to follow at my home. Basically, my x is a decent man. So, I'm lucky. My fears are my fears. Fear can paralyze me. I know that. I pray a lot for my children. But I can't give in to fear.

<strong>Is it possible to have joint (LEGAL) custody and not to talk to X?
(e.g. via emailing about important child issues)?

The more time goes by and I talk to him... the more I feel/KNOW we'll never agree... and that'll take so much energy away from me... plus being upset again and again, frustrated, unhappy... </strong>

Yes it is possible but not desirable. You have to be on the same page on child things sometimes. There will be times when you will want or need for him to back you up and you will need to have his support. (Oh, our parenting portion of the decree has children's planned activities taking priority over parent's plans. If child is invited to birthday party we both try to accomodate that rather than plan fun activity for that day. We are not supposed to plan a weekend out of town on the same weekend as a soccer game or karate competition or softball game or chess tournament or .....)

You want to look like you get along so the children can't get the bright idea they can divide you and play you against each other. You have to swallow your pride and deal with each other. And disagree respectfully. Even if he tells you he wishes you didn't breathe - and he does it in front of your children - as mine has done. You have to be a grown-up. It isn't nice but you have to. Not an option.

Sometimes I have to make the plans and email them to him. Or leave a message on the answering machine. And I tell them these are the plans. I don't always ask for agreement. But I might say, "If you have a problem with this, let me know."

Eventually, the pain and difficulty diminish. It took a long time for me. I used to send them out the front door then sit down at my piano and bang on it really hard. And cry. But, eventually, that did decrease. Eventually.It's a matter of growing and learning. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

my x got joint custody, after D told son he would only see him on sunday only not the standard weekend, holidays. $1855.00 behind on court ordered medical & school. no birthday gift or card this yr. son said he does not want dad overseeing his life. Dad messed his life up why should he be allowed to mess his up. saw dad back in may 2001. wont talk or see dad anymore. dad bought a home with ow & engaged. still has not told son about it. wants son to come see him for summer but will have to stay in motel or grandparents home, cant be around ow. son calls her a whore & has made statements he will hit her. do not give your x joint. I plan to move our custody to fl as soon as appeals are over for military retirement. ALabama doe not inforce child support payments or anything court ordered. Al just pasted a law that if you have children in d you have to ask the other parent permission to move out of town or state. I thank god Im out of that redneck state.

Thank you guys!

I don't know what to do... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />