Maybe another way of wording it would be are you at peace in your life and do you feel the decision to divorce was the right thing for you? Divorce has been something I've been considering off and on for the past four years. I haven't wanted one, yet I long for so much more than my current situation.

My H's been unfaithful a number of times. There is supposedly no one else at this time. I never know for sure as he travels a lot with his business. Because of this there is little trust.

He is also highly narcicisstic. Life is all about him.

But, he loves his children and is a good provider. Although he is moody and selfish, he is fairly decent for the most part.

As far as us... we get along okay as long as he does pretty much as he pleases. He does not handle criticism or confrontation well at all. We are not intimate,physically or emotionally. He hasn't been interested in sex for several months now.

So...I'm very lonely yet I desparately want to do the right thing for all concerned, especially our children.

That is why I ask the question re: how you feel now that you're divorced. Thanks for any responses.

The honest truth from me......

I do get down sometimes about my former family (EX and kids) not being together, but I am totally HAPPIER with my new life and wife. I know we are just much more compatible. We are on the same page with our lives.....we like the same things, and agree on just about everything. She is my soulmate, and I love her to death. I really believe I loved my EX for the wrong reasons. We were never really all that compatible..........now that I am out of that situation its clear as day. So YES, I am happier. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Leah2be:
<strong> He hasn't been interested in sex for several months now.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Either he has a medical problem, or he is having an affair. No man can go without sex, especially for months at a time. Sorry to say this to you. Good luck.

Dear Starting Over,
Thanks for your response. It's great to hear you are happier. How are your kids doing? Do they spend time with you and your ex?

About the sex, or should I say lack thereof... I've wondered the same thing. No proof of anything one way or the other, just a ton of questions.

My kids spend most of the time with their mother.....I get them every wednesday and every other week. I speak to them almost every day and they live only about 5mi. away. My kids get the family stability from my side....ya see, my EX left me to be with OM and he is still married. My EX is basically waiting on him. My kids see him occasionally.....when he can get away from his wife I suppose. Its really not fair to my children....but my EX is too stupid to realize the damage she could potentially do to them. She is sooooo hard headed....another reason Im happy Im remarried. Anyhow, my kids love staying with me.......my wife has a son that is the exact same age as my son and they are just like brothers. My daughter is a daddys girl, so she is always up under me. All in all........Im very happy, and as I have said love my wife to death. She is so wonderful I can barely stand it.


PS. My wifes EX was a serial cheater and treated her like dirt. He never complimented her, spent time with her, bought her anything (unless it was to apologize for screwin up), or took her out anywhere nice. Sometimes I wonder what she saw in him.....thats a whole other story.

StartinOver,

How wonderful for your wife too!! I can hardly imagine being with someone that truly loves and desires me. That must be awesome.

It's great the kids have you to have some stability. I'm sure they enjoy their visits. I guess reading about their situation with their mom is one of the reasons I'm still married. I fear what kind of situation they might be in if we divorce. Who will my H take up with next, etc... How messed up will they be with the back and forth thing. Right now, I'm with them each night to tuck them in, welcome them home from school each day and all of that. How much would it hurt them to have that kind of stability taken away?? Tough to know I guess.

I'm glad you have found happiness after a sad m.
Maybe someday things will be different here.

Hi L2B,

I divorced my NPD H. I remember thinking after a month or so that it was so nice to go an entire day without being yelled at! I eventually felt like a butterfly, released from my cocoon...

We didnt have kids, so our situation was not as complicated.

But I was happier and happier each day that I was away from him. I never regreted it.

With all the trouble I've had in my current M, my current H is a very kind, sweet person. exH never had that going for him... - Dru

Thanks so much Leah2be......those were very kind words. Now dont get me wrong though.......as I was separated and going through my divorce, I was scared as all get out.....much like you sound. I just happened to meet someone and fell in love with her. I really feel that my wife loves me as much as I love her........In my previous marriage, I never felt that way. I guess I felt I was the one putting out more effort in the relationship. I DO NOT regrett my divorce one bit.......I would never have known what real love is like if I had not gone through with it. As sad as that is to say.

Hi Leah2be,

It's sort of a trick question and I wonder the same myself because I'm about to go down that road.

I can imagine there are those of course who are happier and those who aren't but that is to be expected.

Here are some questions you might ask yourself
-Can I keep going on like this? If so is it fair?
-What would life be like with or without him?
-Are you truly happy? If not what would make you happy again?

These are all questions you have to answer for yourself.

Not to hijack your thread, but instead of telling you what to do, I can tell you what I think for myself.

I may think I will be happier D but then again maybe I won't but I know this is not what I want nor what I agreed to when I got M and there is only one way to find out.

My WW is very self centered too and I know that will never change especially overnight. I know I can never change her nor should I have to want to. Can you continue living with the way this person is?

My experience was odd. I threw my XH out and eventually divorced him because he was abusive. Prior to the attack that motivated me to do something, I was happy (except when he was having a tantrum) and thought I had a happy marriage.

When we separated, I fell into a depresion and could just about finction. At one point I came near to losing one of my two part time jobs. Yet never during that time did I regret tossing the bum out.

I got counselling for the depression, met my H, life became normal again, and now I look back on first marriage and ask myself, "Why on earth did I marry the guy?"

BTW, my son went through a tough time, too. A good friend of his died within a year of the divorce, son started having trouble in school, even though he is very bright, sometimes he was a terror at home. Nothing major, like drugs and dropping out, just lots of bean brained behavior. Now he is grown (26), has a college degree and a good job and is happy and close with both me and his dad.

Thanks all for your replies!

Drucilla- I'm glad that you have found happiness
and freedom. I like your analogy to a
butterfly. That sounds great!

Eduard- Those were all good questions. I've asked myself all of those. Sometimes I think I can continue as we now are. Sometimes I think it needs to end. I know I'm not always happy but I also don't think that divorce would mean utopia either. I try to keep my focus on God and all that is good in my life. Perspective can make such a positive difference. I continue to pray that I make the right decision. God bless you as you begin this new stage of life.

Elspeth- It's great that you have found happiness once again with someone and that your son is doing well. That is my greatest concern...How my daughters would survive a D.

Again, thank you all for sharing your perspectives. It's nice to hear that things really can change around for the better. God bless.

Very!!
I live a total different life now. I know longer have to worry about if "He"was going to be crabby, or mad or depressed. He constantly put us into debt and I had to dig us out. I don't have those issues anymore.

I just wish my children wouldn't have had to deal with it all but they are all doing very well.

Jill

ps. Yes, there are times when divorce is a good thing.

I am happier since my divorce, although there are items that I have to deal with that I had not counted on. My ex W is narcistic and probably borderline so coming home everyday I never knew what to expect. It was an emotional roller coaster. Additionally she did what made her happy without regard for the family and we found up with incredible debt.

Fast foward two years. Although I still have to deal with my ex, I have the comfort of knowing that I am in control of my destiny. I am actively involved in my kids life but know I have to deal with my ex's influence on my kids to get back at me. That was the part I was not ready for. Additional I have met a beautiful woman who I have wonderful relationship with. We have an emotionally intimate relationship where we both feel secure. It is great. So long story short, I feel that I do have the peace of mind I need and no longer have the daily emotional abuse that tore me down.

Leah- have you thought about hiring a private investigator to get proof if your H is having an A? I wished I had- my H had an A which nearly led to a D but then we reconciled. He lied right to my face about it but finally confessed because he refused to quit seeing her after I was on to him. I now wish I had solid proof of it in case we end up divorced in the future as I am still struggling to decide if I want to stay married. I mainly wanted to reconcile for our 3 kids sake. Proof of an A can have some influence in deciding child custody. Take care- lifeismessy

You bet I'm better off! Can't say the same for the ex, though. It's now her problem - as she was the one who INSISTED on divorce.
The Lord sent me a wonderful Christian woman who is EVERYTHING the ex wasn't!
HaROLd

Leah2be,

I trust that God will show you the answer in due time. Always his time, not ours <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He's gotten you this far and he has a plan for you out of this one way or another. Put him first and everything else will follow.

I also believe you will make the right decision because you are here. You are taking the proper steps in seeking out answers.

Absolutely not - not that I had any choice in the matter. My H's abandonment of the family has destroyed my life, plunged us into near poverty, and, most horribly, has taken away the loving father our children once had. I would give a lot to turn back time, to never have confronted my H about his odd behavior that turned out to be because of his affair. Even if he had continued his mysterious all day disappearances, his inexplicable quickness to anger that was characteristic of his affair, it would have been far better for the children, especially, had he remained home, and had they continued to believe that he loved them dearly. Now the adult kids want nothing to do with him, and he refuses to allow the four younger ones to spend more than a token amount of time in his presence, because they annoy the OW, on whom he is almost completely financially dependent. And no, they are not better off without him, for he gave no indication prior to the affair, or even during the affair, that he would become someone who apparently cares so little that he would not even inquire about his daughter's health when she was seriously ill.

Unlike Jill, I still have to worry about what my H is going to do or what kind of mood he might happen to be in - because it is likely to result in trouble or pain for me or for the children. A few weeks ago, he decided it would be somehow beneficial if he detailed for two of the kids exactly how much money it was costing him on those occasions when he does see the kids - I guess they were supposed to be somehow grateful. None of the negative aspects of a relationship go away when the marriage does - they just get worse, while all the positive aspects are gone.

Divorce, and remarriage or reinvolvement of the father, often destroys his relationship with his children and results in his abandoning them. For that reason, even if for no other, I believe that divorce should be avoided under all circumstances when there are children, unless the spouse's or the children's lives are in danger.

Leah2b, I am happier now than I ever was in my entire life. I lived with alcoholics all my life so to not have to anticipate the next drunk or the poor choices that go with drinking personalities is wonderful. To not have to constantly long for attention and togetherness is really liberating. I stayed in my M for 30+ years because I was always brought back day in and day out that it was best for my kids. I always felt as a Christian that I could not leave my M cause I did not have biblical grounds to end the M.....but I thought about divorce almost daily. The ongoing A changed my view of being able to end the M.

We did not scream and fight but there was always a sense of tension in the air. There were periods of good family life and some togetherness. These were strengthening and stabilizing for my kids. Not sure if anything specific hurt my kids or not. My 28 yr old son once said that he was more effected by my reaction to my H's drinking than by my H's actually drinking. Not sure if that is true or not or if that is all he remembers. Anyway, I empathize with your concern about your children. but I also understand the effect your H can have on your emotional health. At the point my H had his A, I felt like his drinking was sucking the life out of me and I was getting more and more depressed but at this point the kids were grown and gone so I had nothing to loose but consistent heartache. Even though there were no kids, it was still the hardest decision I ever made in my life.

TW

I can nderstand Nellie's point of view to some extent. My father cheated on my mother for 10 years before she finally kicked him out. She was not able to support 3 people by herself so she put up with my father 10 years more than she should have. I cannot say this added anything to our lives other than financial security. It did not provide a happy home since dad was often away. It made mom cranky so she had very little patience for us. My mother is so much happier and nicer since she left my father you wouldn't believe it.
I left my ex after 10 years of control and neglect. I am a liberated and very happy woman now.There is no other man in my life at present but just the fact that I can do as I please in my home and not have to put up with him is a blessing. My daughter is much more happier, too. She is 7 and the lack of constant tension has benefitted her.

leah2be
I found that continuing to pray for His will to be done is what has helped me to find the peace that I currently have found. Don't get me wrong..I don't have all of the answers...am I concerned about the future (absolutely) but I am no longer living with fear. I know in my heart that God will lead me/us where we are meant to be. I never hired a private eye..but when I was ready to find the proof..it was there..I just had to look. Although, I already knew what was happening (my heart knew). Just be sure that you're ready to find the proof because if/when you do..then you have to deal with knowing (I'm not suggesting that not knowing is better..just want to let you know to be prepared)...Keep posting..it does help..

m&q