Dear All:
Below is my Plan B Letter just delivered to my ex-wife. This is my last resort. Would anyone want to comment on this Plan B Letter.
25 October 2003
Dear XXXXX Kulta, Darling, & Honey Bunny:
This will be, by far, the most difficult letter I have ever written to you. But I have thought about it deeply. These words therefore come neither easily nor spontaneously, but only after careful consideration about what I feel I must now do. Our loving relationship and its future are worth all the careful thought and courage I can gather.
I will start by telling you what I want. In the strongest and most sincere words I can possibly express, I want to rekindle and rebuild the truly special and unique relationship we once shared. Sadly, we allowed our bond to wither on the vine through our shared inexperience, immaturity, and lack of understanding about what a marriage is and what it requires. Neither of us are bad people. Indeed we are both good people with the kind of values and morals to be respected amidst a society which itself seems to care increasingly little for lifelong, committed marriages. We now both know that when you want something to last, you treat it differently; you guard it, cherish it, and polish it; again and again and again. This is how I would treat and honor a new marriage with you. Yes, XXXXX, the rest of my life beside you and only you. This is what I want.
XXXXX Darling, I again must sincerely apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with another man possible. I failed to meet your emotional needs in very critical areas. And we are now both suffering from my mistakes. I asked your forgiveness on our “sacred” Willimantic hill and you granted it. Thank you for this closure. And you also know now that I have forgiven you. What is past is past! But what`s ahead is far more relevant to this letter.
XXXXX, I feel have gained a tremendous amount of new positive knowledge over the last 17 months. I feel re-newed and re-energized. With this re-gained strength, I want to be partner in a new adventure; a new and better life for both of us; a lifestyle and “lovestyle” that will fulfill and enrich our emotional needs. This often painful 17 month journey has been about me rebuilding and rediscovering myself. And I must say that I like the changes. You have even told me that I appear in balance; and that you have noticed positive changes. Great! Well indeed, I have been working very hard to learn how to be a better love partner; and how to improve my relationship skills.
But XXXXX, although I plan to continue this good direction for my life, I can no longer do this in your presence under the current situation. I will continue to work on myself, but now it must be so that I have no contact with you. So to say what I feel, until you completely end your relationship with the other man, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you, talking to you, or communicating with you in any way. I ask that you not contact me unless an issue regards our children. If you need to reach me, e-mail or sms is best. If you need to visit Palokatu for whatever reason, please advise me so that I can arrange to be away at that time. You are always welcome at Palokatu, but I feel that I must avoid seeing you.
I ask that you respect and understand my decision to separate from you in this way. The relationship you have pursued ever since “our day of honesty” has caused me more emotional pain than I would have thought a human could endure. I can bear this no longer. Over time, such unresolved pain can chip away Love and digress into bitterness. I do not want this to happen. Therefore to protect the Love I still have for you, I cannot be exposed to this pain each time I see you. Because I genuinely enjoy being with you, talking with you, and laughing with you, I have allowed myself to be exposed to this pain far too long. All through the months, I have kept seeing “signs” that may or may not have been there; and this has been torturing. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer knowing that you and he are together. I still Love You XXXXX more than these simple words can describe. And I will continue to pray for you nearly everyday. I remain very willing to discuss our future any time so long as “you” are “ready” to do so. And I will also say that, at present, I am not in a committed relationship. If and when I make such a decision, I, of course, will tell you.
I am not asking that you do anything that you are not ready to do. I want you back in my life, but only when you are ready. I am not making any demands upon you. I am only saying what I am now able to do. As you heard in the mini-van, I asked the children to respect your new relationship. Truly, if this is what you want, then so be it. XXXXX, I value your friendship just as much as I always have, and you have told me that you very much value my friendship. I will truly miss being near you because you are fun and we have always had great fun together when we took the time. But as we were once so much more than friends, I cannot be near you and not want something more; something you are unwilling to give at this time. Therefore as painful as this letter is to write, I just have to make this decision.
I believe it is honesty and openness that will rekindle our marriage. On last night`s flight, I saw some of your “inner” beauty marks that were, up until now, hidden from me. You are a deep woman and one with whom I really feel I can share something profound. Despite our cultural differences, I believe we have always been connected in our thoughts, sense of humor, gestures, and outlook on life. Here are other words I would do my best to weave into a new XXXX and XXXXX Union: fun, caring, passion, shared history, trust, compassion, intimacy, patience, emotional fulfillment, tenderness, sacrifice, sunshine, simplicity, potential, achievement, laughter, silliness, health, fitness, knowledge, turnip, creativity, music, excitement, gentleness, cuisine, respect, rendevous`s , talking, listening!, listening!, listening!, communicating, sexual fulfillment, outdoors, sharing, acceptance, growth, satisfaction, appreciation, friends, family, parenting, learning, asking, forgiving, and being so happy together………. I am sure you can think of many more.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday to be something significantly better than ever before. And I know it can be done! What others think is not important and will have no impact on our rebuilding! I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I truly want to be your best friend as in the early days of our relationship and marriage. I want to be someone who is always there for you when you need me. I want again to be the “dance partner” of your life.
I recently learned the Hungarian expression "Isten Hozott" which means “God Has Brought You”. It means to me that, “you came to me and I came to you”. I Loved you truly therefore before we ever really met. And oh yes, I truly Loved you during our 22+ year relationship (so much of it was so good !). And I continue to Love you truly right up to this very moment as you read these words. I said forever XXXXX and I meant it.
Loving you at Palokatu,
Doug
