I don't know if I can save my marriage.

We've been married for two years, but have been together for four.

Three weeks ago, my husband walked out on me. He wanted no contact, no nothing. We met one Sunday and talked a bit, where he claimed he wanted to reconcile. I talked at him but true to his nature, he wouldn't tell me much on his feelings and my attempts to find out his thoughts and feelings didn't work.

He walked out again that night, saying he was scared.

A week later, I got a letter saying that he wants a divorce and there will be no discussion on the matter. He says he wants no counciling and that he is done with our marriage.

Right now, he claims he wants to meet once face-to-face in a public place to discuss the divorce, but we have yet to set a date or see that happen (he is ill with pnemonia right now, I hope he will make good on his word).

He has called a total of three times regarding meeting, and he seems very much normal and asked questions about my well being in the short conversations we had. I asked him if he'd been thinking about the situation at all, and he said he had been, but if he was putting me off, I don't know. In fact, I was getting optimistic he might be willing to talk, until a mutual friend of ours lives across the street (and has spoken with the friend he is staying with) claimed he's already filed for divorce and things are in the process. I have not heard this from him, so I don't know what to believe.

I'm confused.

I am VERY willing to compromise with him, but he says he doesn't want to hear it because he knows nothing will change.

We have not talked at any lenght since he left and I am so terrified that he might end this without myself having any say in the matter or my needs being heard.

I don't WANT a divorce. I am confident that with professional help, our marriage can be rebuilt and things can be better.

I love this man with all my heart, but he just wants to wash his hands of the entire thing without even trying.

I don't know what to do at this point, but I am scared and I am unsure of how to procced or save this marriage.

I don't know what I can say to convince him we're worth fighting for, and I'm feeling so lost and alone right now. I am VERY willing to meet his needs if he would discuss them with me, but how do I convince him I am sincere and we deserve another shot?

This non-communication and his hardness about the situation (which is not usually like him) are killing me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

<small>[ October 25, 2003, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: Aeryn ]</small>

Don't try to convince him of anything. He'll just dig in his heels.

Delay. Do anything to delay and stay away from him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by broken heart and arm:
<strong> Don't try to convince him of anything. He'll just dig in his heels.

Delay. Do anything to delay and stay away from him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rumor has it he's already started filing paperwork. Again, I have no idea if I can trust the source I heard it from, but he's staying with the friend that said it.

I don't want to sign any papers, but I think I'm going to try and give him the impression I'm moving on, and he can come with me or not, as he likes.

Aeryn:

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. You have stated you wanted to save your marriage and are unsure of what to do. First, read all you can on this site regarding Plan A/B amd His Needs/Ner Needs. You will need to determine your level of responsibility that, in part, caused him to leave. After you do some reading about Harley's methods you will see a better picture of what has happened. And, what you can do and what you SHOULD avoid doing.

This is not to say that YOU are responsible for his departure. He made that choice.

It is difficult to say more without knowing more about him and more info on the history of the marriage.

Also, is there another woman involved? Substance abuse?

WE are here to help you!

Best to you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gregg M.:
<strong> Aeryn:

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. You have stated you wanted to save your marriage and are unsure of what to do. First, read all you can on this site regarding Plan A/B amd His Needs/Ner Needs. You will need to determine your level of responsibility that, in part, caused him to leave. After you do some reading about Harley's methods you will see a better picture of what has happened. And, what you can do and what you SHOULD avoid doing.

This is not to say that YOU are responsible for his departure. He made that choice.

It is difficult to say more without knowing more about him and more info on the history of the marriage.

Also, is there another woman involved? Substance abuse?

WE are here to help you!

Best to you! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no substance abuse involved, and as far as an OW, there is only a friend he's had since he was little and they grew up togheter. They are not romantic (she's in a happy relationship), but she doesn't like me at all and I think she may be involved as far as giving him bad advice.

I admit that I am mostly to blame for the issues. There are ways I was not meeting his ENs, but he never spoke up about anything until he was already overwhelmed and felt it was too late to work on anything.

He wrote me a letter saying what the problems were (I'd rather not get into them here), so I'm aware of them, now. But, again, if he had spoken up six months ago or as the issues popped up, we might not be where we are today.

But he refuses to give me a chance to fix the issues now, and in my opinon, they're very easily worked out if he would agree to sit down and try and work things out.

I don't want to push him farther away, but I feel like NEED communication, to sit down face to face and really TALK honestly. I know that's a bad idea since he's so adamant it's over.

I'm not sure if he's just so frustrated/scared that he's built up walls, or what.

But I do know his leaving came as a shock to me, because he had been acting like his usual self and not voicing any concerns or problems to me. We had normal marriage issues, but nothing stood out to me as so bad he'd up and walk out on me.

Like I said in another post, I'm going to try and give him the impression I'm moving on (which I am working on). He can come with me or stay behind as he pleases. If he calls to meet me some place, I'm going to tell him I'm busy and he'll have to wait, at which point I'll let things settle for a few days.

Maybe if he sees a sudden turn around in my attitude, he'll get curious and wonder what's changed.

I still won't sign any divorce papers at this point, though, I don't feel like the way this has all played out allows me to sign papers that end our marriage in this way.

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Aeryn ]</small>

Oops. I double posted instead of edited my other post.

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Aeryn ]</small>

I must be bad at this, that's two I messed up.

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: Aeryn ]</small>

Aeryn,

Why would you want to save a marriage to a man who obviously doesn't want to be in it? Let him and the marriage go... doesn't mean you can't remarry if that's what is meant to be.

I look back on the marriage I tried so hard to keep together, but that was my own fog... now that we're divorced and I can look back... it's all so clear to me. My exh didn't respect me or the marriage and I was a fool to hang onto someone who thought that little of me.

I'm not trying to down play your pain... it hurts, I know, but I think you are clinging to false hopes and you are only delaying your healing.

I wish you the best!!

I agree, you can't force your H to stop wanting a divorce. You won't have much of a marriage if you're working from that angle...

You could delay things, file a dispute over the divorce, hire a lawyer and bring it to court, but that isn't going to force your H to want your marriage again, either. The opposite, in fact.

No, I'd agree with the divorce, but start doing things that show a real willingness to change or improve myself as a marriage partner AND individual. I'd maybe start seeing a counselor...marriage or independant therapist. I'd start exercising regularly for stress. I'd start doing more interesting things that I never thought I had time for before. I'd start making whatever reasonable changes he stated were problems in the marriage, if there was room for improvement.

That would go to show him that you are someone who would make for a great marriage partner for some man someday...what a waste if it's not him!

And even if he does not realize this, it will be his loss.

The worst thing you could do right now is show desperation and clinginess.

I'm in exactly the same situation. My husband walked out on me 2 months ago and has served me divorce papers. My job was at risk and I was on the verge of getting terminated so I was not able fully focus on the marriage issues earlier.

The seriousness of the matter hit me when I was served with papers. Now, I'm trying very hard to talk to him but he won't listen and is closed to any negotiations. I really want to make this marriage work and feel that the issues we had are workable.

Any advice on what I can say or do, for a second chance?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lovegame:
<strong> I'm in exactly the same situation. My husband walked out on me 2 months ago and has served me divorce papers. My job was at risk and I was on the verge of getting terminated so I was not able fully focus on the marriage issues earlier.

The seriousness of the matter hit me when I was served with papers. Now, I'm trying very hard to talk to him but he won't listen and is closed to any negotiations. I really want to make this marriage work and feel that the issues we had are workable.

Any advice on what I can say or do, for a second chance? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder what it is that makes these men afraid to sit down and talk things out. I'm very sure if my husband had come to me and said "Look, we have a problem, here", that he and I would NOT be where we are now.

I know if he'd be receptive to trying these things could be fixed, but he's staunchly insistant that things "won't" change.

1.) You don't know until you try.

2.) After having this happen to me, and having the love of my life at risk (and both of us hurting), I WANT to do everything I can to make things different and better.


I'm confused at this point, so I won't offer advice, I'm sure you're confused, as well.

<small>[ October 27, 2003, 05:47 AM: Message edited by: Aeryn ]</small>

I'm sorry you're both hurting. There is nothing you can do to snap these men out of what they're doing. For whatever reason, they don't feel about the marriage as you do. I'm sure your anxieties are getting the best of you. Try to relax, recover, refocus and regenerate!! Ride out the storm as best you can, but you can't stop the storm... and you can only rebuild once the storm passes.

Hugs to you both!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Why would you want to save a marriage to a man who obviously doesn't want to be in it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Granted, we can't force one to love, can't force one to stay,,, I know I didn't force my wife to marry me.

Maybe i'm old fashioned, but i want to recover my marriage. I don't want to save it, it did become "broke." I have these certain standards, morals and beliefs. God created marriage,,its His word, that tells us don't let no man seperate what He has joined together.

Its now estimated that almost 98% of marriages that end in divorce, didn't need to. Including those with infidelity, alcohol, and physical abuse.


I have been trying to get my stbxw to sit and talk for quite awhile now. Finally yesterday we went to our first counselors appointment.
Even with the bogus PPO still in force. It doesn't "sound" to good. But she agreed to go again next week!?
I pray daily for a reconciliation. We have two children together,ages 3 and 5. Five year old has a form of brain cancer.
STBXW has been saying for a few months if I agree to joint custody, maybe she will "think" about a marriage recovery. I'm informed that i'm selfish!?
Joint custody will continue to be out of the question.

you can try doing a search for Retrouvaille. Or try visiting marriagesavers.org. They are saving 4 out of 5 marriages.

Beg your spouse if you need to!!! Tell him/her you know they are unhappy now,, all you're asking for is just three days!!

Its actually to easy to fall back in love,,,yes with your same partner! Even if one hates and or resents!

What is divorce? Its selfish!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Stephan:
<strong>

Maybe i'm old fashioned, but i want to recover my marriage. I don't want to save it, it did become "broke."

Its now estimated that almost 98% of marriages that end in divorce, didn't need to. Including those with infidelity, alcohol, and physical abuse.

What is divorce? Its selfish! </strong>


Thank you, those are exactly the words I couldn't find. I don't want to SAVE my marriage, I want to rebuild the relationship we have.

The thing is, I know with both of us behind this, we can make it work and be better than ever before. It's just a matter of time before he sees it, and I'm hoping he doesn't rush into a divorce we're going to regret later because he's hurt now.

Anyway, I'm trying to have hope.

I didnt want a divorce from my EX either......we have 2 children. Once she signed the papers and delivered them, I signed them bastiges as fast as I could.

Please don't think I'm condemning you for wanting to recover your marriage. If my exwh really wanted the marriage then he would have (re)committed himself to me, our family and the marriage. I truly believed in the covenant we made with God. I don't think my exwh was or ever will be capable of commitment. He's selfish and materialistic yet hides behind his facade of Christian values.

Looking back I now see just how pathetic I was to think he was trying to recover and rebuild our marriage. We did MC and he swore to our C as well as our Pastor that he was in recovery and faithful. I found none of it to be true and he was infact involved with OOW (other OW).

We all know how much we can tolerate and when enough is enough for us. I truly hope for marital recovery for everyone, just don't loose your self respect while on the path to recovery.

I think the best defense, the best revenge, is to live your life with or without your Sp. Once they see you moving forward, they will take notice. Be confident and hold your head high.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you want to save a marriage to a man who obviously doesn't want to be in it? Let him and the marriage go... doesn't mean you can't remarry if that's what is meant to be.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No offense to the person who wrote this, but I never cease to be amazed at the question of "why do you want to save your marriage?" I guess I just honestly in all truthfulness don't understand that question.

I suppose its too simple of an answer, but how about... because she loves him? Because he is her husband? Because they have lived together, laughed together, cried together, perhaps raised children together? Because for the past however many years, she has shared her bed and her home and her life with him. Because she probably stood before witnesses and promised to love him for better AND for worse... "til death." I think those are all pretty good reasons.

Aeryn, I don't know the "solution" for you but I do know that EVERY single testimony of a restored marriage that I have ever read sounds very similar to yours. I know of MANY couples where one person wanted the divorce and one did not. Some of those couples reconciled after divorce and some didn't go through with the divorce. But in every story I've ever read, the one wanting the divorce is saying things like, "I don't love you," "I never loved you," "We will never be together," "We never should've married," "I am not happy," etc. And yet, many of those people were simply trying to convince their ownselves of these things because they really weren't convinced that divorce was what they truly wanted. But they also didn't want the bad marriage. They saw divorce as the only solution. Often it was because of the fighting spouse (the one not wanting it) being willing to change, etc., that the other spouse saw that there was some hope.

Personally, I do not think it is an impossible situation for you, nor do I think that this is giving you "false" hope. Obviously, I can't say what the outcome will be, but I will not tell you to "move on" because there are many things you can still do, right now.

First of all, you recognized that there were needs you were not meeting and he seems to not be happy. Change whatever you can to the best that you can. Whatever opportunities you have, show him (don't tell him though) the changes you are making. Be his friend. I know of a lady who told me how she "walked hand in hand" with her husband as he divorce her, but how she became his best friend (her husband said many things yours is saying and she didn't want the divorce). It took about two years, but because of her perseverence, they are now happily remarried (to each other).

Try to avoid the things you know he doesn't like. He will only use these as reasons to divorce. Think of things he's complained about. Do what you can to not do those things.

You mentioned how you can't understand why he won't talk about things. All those things that you don't understand about him... don't focus on them. ACCEPT him as he is, at least right now. If he feels you are trying to change him or change his mind, he will probably only pull away more. For whatever reason, he's not talking about things. Maybe he is afraid of being hurt, maybe he doesn't really understand his own feelings, maybe he just doesn't want to. Maybe someday, his heart will soften and he will share more.

But for now, you need to accept him where he's at. He wants out of your marriage, and there are reasons. But again, there are many things you can do.

Before I go on forever here, a good website to check out is calling Divorce Busting. www.divorcebusting.com She gives some good practical suggestions on how to "win" back a spouse bent on divorce. Also, there are two other sites www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org They are both Christian sites (I don't know if you are a Chrisitian or not). The first one has many testimonies of restored marriages. Both couples divorced and then remarried two years later (to each other) ONLY because the wives didn't want the divorce and they did things that eventually "won" their husbands back, and now they have strong marriages.

I agree fully with you that your marriage can be better than ever before. I know of a couple who had a very ugly divorce... kidnapping children, accusing each other of abuse, all sorts of very horrible things. Now, they are very happily married (I think they also remarried each other after a divorce).

It might take a divorce for your husband to really have a change of heart. Somteimes something has to completely die for it to come to life again! I do hope though that your marriage does not go to divorce court. Try not to fear. Try not to act in fear, or in desperation. That is usually when you end up doing or saying things you will later regret and things that will probably push your husband away. You cannot convince or control him. You cannot force him to feel something or to think something. BUT.... you can be his friend, you can love him but yet let go at the same time, you can have a sweet attitude towards him, you can be strong and change your own self, you can do many things to show him without words that you love him and that you are changing, etc. You don't have to raise your hands and "surrender" with a passive attitude saying, "there's nothing I can do." Be wise and think about the reasons he is wanting a divorce. Think of how you can change yourself, change things, how you can show him that there is hope. Try not act on your emotions because you are going to feel alot of emotions during this time (including anger, hurt, discouragement, etc).

I don't feel like my words are totally flowing well tonight, but hopefully, there is something good in there that can encourage you. Maybe those websites will help too! I hope so.

God bless.

<small>[ October 31, 2003, 02:23 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LoveMyEx:
<strong>I suppose its too simple of an answer, but how about... because she loves him? Because he is her husband? Because they have lived together, laughed together, cried together, perhaps raised children together? Because for the past however many years, she has shared her bed and her home and her life with him. Because she probably stood before witnesses and promised to love him for better AND for worse... "til death." I think those are all pretty good reasons.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No offense taken. I think these are all great reasons, but you can't make someone else love you the way you love them. Sometimes you have to let go and love from afar. Like you said, sometimes it takes a dv to revive a marriage.

I do also believe, since going through it, that you also have to have some self dignity. I can't imagine my exwh was overly attracted to me as I was begging him not to destroy our marriage... I can't imagine THAT didn't push him into the arms of another woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I think I was more attractive to my exwh when I stood tall and set my boundaries. I could no longer take his infidelities so I stepped up to the plate and took control of MY life back. Unfortunately HE couldn't step up to the plate with me, he didn't want the marriage I wanted so I had to cut my losses.

Ironically, it wasn't until I moved on that my exwh wanted the marriage, suddenly confessed all and wanted MC. Unfortunately it was too late, my love bank was bankrupt.

I think if I had gone to Plan B much sooner I would have saved some love and we could have possibly recovered. I think Plan A, if stayed in too long, just allows the WS to walk all over us. Plan B is where the BS gets their strength.

These are just my thoughts and how I would do things differently had I the chance to do over. Aeryn, only you will know your breaking point. I really do hope your marriage recovers and your H steps up to the plate with you!

Good luck to you as you first recover yourself and heal from the pain and second as you rebuild your marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Update with some good news:

Husband called this morning. He has -not- filed for a divorce.

He sought a free consultation from a lawyer, but then decided to put a divorce on hold for now. He's thinking and cooling down, and we'll remain separated for a while. He said he calmed down and knew he couldn't do anything so big without taking a long time to think it over.

What will come of this, I don't know, but I'm willing to give him all the thinking time he needs to sort out what's going on in his head.

In my estimation, this is a very good sign for the future, but I'm not about to get my hopes up now.

Thanks for the support and good wishes, all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

isleepalone

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately it was too late, my love bank was bankrupt.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Its never too late."
Marriages are beibg saved even with hate and resentment.

This can still be done, after the withdrawn stage, or bankrupt.

Its actually alot easier than most give credit for.
You're love bank may be bankrupt, but its still never too late.

LoveMyEx mentioned of only a few results,,, its happening more and more.

Three days ago stbxw and I was at our first counselor meeting, this counselor told my W that more and more couples are actually re-marrying their ex's! This has an huge advantage, opposed to actually starting over with someone new.

Therapists and even counselors are now recommending/suggesting this!

Stephan

Still STANDING in Michigan.