my wife wants a legal separation now but no divorce until the end of 2004. I do not want this at all. She claims that a legal sep will allow us to handle the matter in a dignified way, will be easier for all of us including our three children and will allow her to determine whether this is what she really wants. From a financial point of view nothing changes (no division of property) until there is a divorce. She keeps saying she does not want to give me false hope re a reconciliation.

Does a separation create more problems than it solves for a person in my status?

Thanks.

sanegop,

I think it's wise to get a legal separation... it protects everyone involved. It gives your W the time she needs and protects everyones interest. A separation doesn't mean a divorce is the end product... it just protects everyone legally.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 26, 2003, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: ISleepAlone ]</small>

Don't know what your "status" means, but a legal separation does take care of all those "fuzzy lines" that surround a casual separation.

It is also more costly to have both a legal separation, and then also pay for a divorce later. So maybe there is hope here. She's not immediately going straight for the divorce that would save her more money in the long run. It's like she's giving the marriage another chance by not ending it right away. Like she's still wanting to see signs that the marriage could be better, and is formally buying time.

Yes, it does protect everyone involved. But it also may give her the feeling of freedom to run her own life, and not feel financially controlled by you.

Also, and you're not gonna like this, I was once advised that if I wanted to "date", and keep my reputation in the community in good standing, I should file for a legal separation instead of just being in a casual separation.

Two schools of thought go with this.

1) In my state, legal separation is not necessary for divorce (only separate residences for a year are necessary). However, having one does clear up some of the murky points that can arise immediately, such as interim alimony, child support, and household expenses, etc., and then later down the road, such as any financial settlement. The separation agreement my H instigated had a standard paragraph about "leading separate lives as if we were never married" which to be honest, really hurt me, and allowed him to continue with OW without me having much rebuttal. (Note that my lawyer says I have plenty of evidence of alieanation of affection already.) So this point of view does make it easier to transition into divorce (both emotionally and legally).

2) The other way of thinking is that this does not necessarily MEAN divorce, and although my H could have divorced me 4 months ago has chosen not to, possibly due at least in part to this agreement already being in place.

Also, the state you live in may have a different view of separation, so you would want to know your rights (and that of your spouse) before signing anything. There is "give and take" in a legal separation agreement, and if you don't like the way something is worded, you can change it before it is finalized and signed. I personally appreciated the words "at a later date to be determined" because it allows me to stand for my marriage a little bit longer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am in State which requires "grounds" so it seems that legal separation might be a way to achieve the divorce. She may not want to try and use other reasons which could be messy or difficult to prove.

Wether you should get a legal separation depends on the reasons she wants to leave. If she is having an affair than a legal separation in my opinion makes no sense. It just enables her to continue playing house with the OM while you are supporting her financially. On the other hand, if the time apart is used by you and her to get MC and individual therapy than it could be useful.