Hi,

I have been a long time reader and post only few. I have known my wife for more than 15 years and has been married for 8 years. We have 2 beautiful children girl 4 and boy 1. About a year ago my wife told me that she no longer have any feeling for me and that she wanted a separation. She said that she is tire of working on the marriage and wanted her space. I initially beg and pleaded with her until I found this site and divorcebusting. After a lot of reading I have learn that to leave her alone in which I have. Anyway, this has been going on for a while and I thought things were getting better until yesterday when she gave me the separation paper from her lawyer and asked me to look it over to. I'm devasted to say the least, I did all the beggin and pleaded with her to not go through with it. I have not sleep in more then 24 hrs and rigth now I don't know what to do. I can't stand the thought of having to leave the my children and become a "part-time" father, they are what I live for. I do love my wife and would do anything to win her back, but it seems like whatever I do is either not good enough or just wrong. Please help me

jamesp:

You say you have been here a long while. I assume that means you very familiar with the concepts, the EN's needing to be met, etc....
Have you been applying Plan A to your W since 1 yr ago when she first told you about her feelings?

Have you been able to determine her EN's and meet them during this time? Is she experiencing post-partum depression? Can she be having an A?

I'm very sorry you are going thru this (with us all), but we are here to help. Please stop begging and pleading, it is very unattractive to the S who wants to leave. Let's formulate a plan of action, ok?

Let's start with the answers to the above, and try to find her motivation.......

jamesp - Sorry you are going through this. But luckily you found this site. Have you read all about Plan A? And about filling wife's emotional needs? Don't know much about your story, but your wife may have problems that she blames on your marriage instead of addressing them. There is lots of good reading here, and kind, supportive people. Right now you need to take care of yourself. Others have gone through this and are better now. Keep posting and reading. HUGS from California.

lupolady,

Thank you for responding. I'm familiar with the concept and had applied plan A for a while now. Lastnight when we talked I really thought she was going to tell me that she wanted to reconcile, but I guess the wasn't meant to be. She did acknowledge all the nice things I have done and appriciated of them (helped witht the kids, clean upi after dinner etc.), but she said the one thing she can't do no longer is trust me. Don't get me wrong I don't have any affair or anything like that. I do have problem with spending money and not tell her, which she based her trust on. I'm not sure if she did/still have post pardum, she told me that she had it our daughter but not with our son. She is seeing a councenlor right now (so do I) and on two different type of anti-depressant.

I came across some e-mail from her to a person who lived in portland and confronted her with them about 6 months ago. She admitted to have a "crushed" on that person but swear that it was over. I wanted to believe her, but part of me still doesn't since they are still in contact. Right now I'm hurting real bad inside and not sure what I should do.

Believer,

We do have problems, it seems to me that all marriage have problems, but we try and work through them and not give up. I asked her to go see a marriage counsenlor with me as a last resort before going through with it. She said that she would only go see the counsenlor after to separation to improve our relationship for the children, she also said that may be we can started dating again after the separation. I told her that I don't think that it is possible for me to do after the separation, am I wrong?

James,
It is soooo hard to "date" someone that you love so dearly and that you have been married to for so long.
14 yrs ago, i made the same request of my then H.
My reasoning?
I wanted to get to really know him, from the ground up. I wanted there not to be the stresses of the fact that we were married and the expectaions to get in the way.
He had been having affairs so my situation IS different from yours.
My H refused.
But, I do not think that he really wanted the marriage to work.
So, James, I can empathize w/ both sides of your situation, to some extent.

Could I "date" my H now, especially if I knew that he had interests else where (your W's email friend)(my H's various EAs and PAS waiting ever so impatiently for me to give up)

NO!

James, what ever you decide, I will do my best to cyber support you.

More hugs
XO
H.

PS, just curious, which Portland?

Hypatia,

Portland, WA I think. I want to work on our marriage for the children. I wanted it to be a happy home for all concerns, but she refused to even tried. When she first told me that she no longer have feeling for me, we went to see a counsenlor and all he offered was tried to go on dates and such. Which was not working for my wife. Matter of fact, lastnight when I talk to her about counsenling she did make fun at the counsenlor abut it and she that she will not go to a counsenlor that will offer us to go on date because it not going to work. That was the only times that we see a counsenlor together. Should I have tried and get her to go see a different one?

Gosh, tough call, James.
I personally would seek a differnet couselor if either party felt that one was not quite clicking.

or
Would it be that your Wife just does not want to or can not hear what counsoer is suggesting, reiterating?


hmmmm

xo
H

PS, I am originally from 20 miles south of Portland, Maine.
And i miss home, so just curious.

Hypatia,

I pick the latter, She probably does not want to hear what the counsenlor have to say. Matter of fact, the day she decided not to go counsenling anymore was the day that I was going to confront her about the e-amil in fron of the lawyer. I'm just so down right now and can't take it anymore

I hear you there, James.
It is toohard sometimes.
My H will NOT do a MC. I suspect that it is because he does not want anyone to tell him what he could do.
He thinks that a councelor will tell him that he is f*cked-up.
He thinks a councelor will tell him what to do.

It is so aggrevating.

OK, so from what you are saying, she seems mired down in classic, EA (Emotional Affair). NOW we know what course to take a little better!!

First of all, go immediately to EN Questionnaire and TAKE IT AS THO YOU WERE YOUR W!!. You must determine which EN's OM is fulfilling which you were not.

Since it is still only EA (hopefully) that says to me is probably mostly things like "Conversation" and "Admiration" EN's. Listen, James, YOU CAN FILL THOSE EN'S. You need to start initiating convo's w/her about what is important TO HER, and let talk, and LISTEN. I mean, really LISTEN AND GIVE FEEDBACK, AND COMPLIMENTS (heartfelt), but absolutely no pushing, begging, pleading to give the M another chance.

My recommendation is if you can afford a counselor, DROP the one you are seeing now (who obviously is not helping you work on saving your M), and try to set an appt. w/Harleys (see link above).

Above all, DO PLAN A, PLAN A, PLAN A!!! Fix yourself, admit your faults to her, ask for forgiveness, then SHOW HER YOU ARE CHANGING. Where does the "trust" issue fit in? You don't have to tell us, but you might want to fix whatever is causing that so she's aware of your efforts.

God bless.

lulolady has given you good advice.

Menachem

lupolady,

Thank you for all the advices. I will do the EN questionaire as tonight as I will have more time. It is only an emotional affair I'm sure of this since she is a stay at home mom and we lived in NY and he is in Portland, WA. I know he has been advising her to leave. I really think that she will wake up from this nightmare some day and regret how many lives she is ruining.
I have to admit that I did neglect our relationship and taken her for granted. I'm sure what she need right now is some TLC (I don't mean sex) and when I tried to do that she refuses because she thinks it might lead to sex.
Is there something else I can try at this point? When I came home today I asked her if she had thought about what we talked about lastnight (about going to a diffrent MC), to my supirse she did not say no to it and said that she is thinking about it and have not come to a decision as to which way she is going to go. Anyway I have a counsenling session to go to now and will update this board as soon as I have sometime tonight.

to all, thank you for the support any suggestion or advices are appreciated.

Just an update,
went to counsenling lastnight and he actually made it feel worse then before, I guess he was just trying to prepare me for the worst. Anyway, called W while driving home to tell that I was on my way, she was upset because the kids were restless and I was late. She had a smile on her face when I got home, not sure why I figured she would be mad. We talked a little bit, she asked if I talked to the counsenlor about us going counsenling after the separation and I told her no. I told her talked to him about how we can do MC together and she didn't say anything. Since I didn't sleep for more than 36 hours I wanted to go to bed early and told her that she had to take care of S. I went to bed and my D wanted something to drink so I went out to the kitchen to get her a drink and my W was really mad. She was screaming for us to leave so that S can fall to sleep. I can kind just ignore her and went back to bed. She came in after a while and apologize for it. Lastnight when we talked I have hinted to her that we can go to a movie adn etc, to my suprise she did not say no, she said that we can go see a movie that she like. I'm not sure if she is doing it to prepare me for what will happen when she separated or she really interested in trying to work on the marriage again. I have not talk to my lawyer about the separation paper that she gave me Sunday night yet. What shoudl I do? should I wait until the summon from the court? I'm desparately trying to save my marriage, is it beyond saving? is it worth saving? is there anybody on this board was able to save their marriage after separation or just right before the separation? Any help or suggestion is appriecated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jamesp:
<strong> What shoudl I do? should I wait until the summon from the court? I'm desparately trying to save my marriage, is it beyond saving? is it worth saving? is there anybody on this board was able to save their marriage after separation or just right before the separation? Any help or suggestion is appriecated. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">James,

I HAVE GIVEN YOU ADVICE GLEANED FROM 2+ YEARS OF LEARNING, AND READING MB CONCEPTS.

YOU DO NOT SEEM TO WANT TO FOLLOW IT. WHY?

IF THIS IS HOW YOU "LISTEN" TO WHAT YOUR WIFE SAYS, I CAN'T SAY I BLAME HER FOR SHUTTING YOU OUT.

Consider yourself hit over the head with the ole MB 2x4. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

God Bless,

lupolady,

Thank you for hitting me over the head with the MB 2X4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Yesterday, for reason and I'm not sure what yet I felt so much better, in fact, I have not felt this way in a long time, even my wife notice me back to my old self again and commented on it. If someone can explain this then please do because that was the way I wanted to feel all the time. Today I started to feel bad again, but as bad as I did a before yesterday. I guess may be I'm starting to accept that the separation is inevitable. I did talked to my wife a little yesterday about the way I feel. I told her that I love her and that I will be here if she ever wanted to give it another try, her respond was that she will but she doesn't think that it will happen again. I'm not sure where to go from here. Should I have just do what it take and resist the spearation or go along it with and see what happend later down the road?

lupolady,

I do have a few question for you. I have taken the En questionaire and answer it as much as I think my wife would anser then. The problemis that on the sexual fulfillment, before all this happend she used to enjoy affection, sex etc. very much and I was the oposite. right now all I wanted it to be able to hold her and tell her that I love her, but she doesn;t seem to be interested in it, she said it was becasue it will give her false feeling and it might not be her true feeling. What can I do to change that and may be getting her to sometime show affection toward me. I seems to be the one that asking for hug all the time the onyl time since about a year ago that she volunteerly give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek was Sunday night when she told me that she wanted to be separate.

on the honesty part I have try my best to be honest and upfront with her about everything I do include where I spent the money (this it where she said she had no trust in me and I know I had the problem with spending money and has stop doing so). When a person no longer trust you, can that person bring the trust back?

I think I do fullfill her needs in financial support domestic support and family commitment.

on the respectign part, she said I do not respect her do to the reason you stated above ( not listening to her) what can I do? I now I sometime have aproblem with concentration, is there some sort of methodthatcan be used to help in this matter?

Thanks for reading

One more thing, Since the separtion is inevitable. should I start plan B and if I do how can I cope with the felling missing her and my children?