August 28, 2001<P><BR>Dear Dr. Harley,<P>My husband and I have been married for seven years and have a blended family marriage. We married with very young children from previous marriages still to raise and have a child together that is now 4 years old. We are both happy with our marriage and want to insure that it will not become another failed marriage statistic. I know that no relationship is perfect, but for the most part we truly have few complaints. However, we do have one issue that we have struggled with since the inception of our relationship and we have been unable to resolve it and I am concerned with the damage it has the potential to do to our relationship.<P>Within the first year of our marriage, my mother-in-law informed me through a series of short conversations and comments that her son had a wife and daughter that was his family, I was a mistake, my children were a burden, and there was no right for us to bring another child into this. Maybe the fact we faced a year of infertility issues should have been a sign that it was too soon and other issues still needed to be dealt with in his family. However, after a year of being married I became pregnant with our daughter who is now 4.<P>To separate the issue from the facts, I should tell you that I have a great job with a substantial income and receive child support for my other girls. For the majority of our marriage our incomes have been at the same level and in no way were me or my children ever a financial burden to anyone. His ex-wife also remarried shortly after our marriage and has another child with her husband as well.<P>Through my pregnancy, the second year of my marriage, our issues with my mother-in-law grew more intense. Matter of fact, Bill (my husband) had to call his parents to ask them if they were even going to come to the hospital to see our daughter. They only saw her two or three times over the next two years as the problems between everyone grew to the point that no one was speaking to each other for that period of time. The thought that our babysitter could have our daughter in a store that his parents may happen to be in and could walk right by commenting on how cute that little girl was and not even know it was their own granddaughter really bothered me. I made a plea that fall for them to just see her and talk to their son. I explained how the way they treated us hurt us and that we were a family and expected them to respect that and treat all our children as equals. We wanted them all to take turns going to their home and staying with them. We wanted them to know and love all of them instead of their just wanting to see Bill's daughter from his first marriage.<P>I thought we were on our way to restoring our family that fall. We started off with His first daughter, Haley, going to stay with them and then the others went one by one over the next few months. After that it began to go back down hill. They would make demands of Bill to bring Haley back down there to see them and stay, even though the others had not been. Bill takes Haley there once every 6 - 8 weeks to stay with them all night. They will agree to watch our biological daughter, Billi, only if Bill calls and asks. But they always call and ask when Bill will bring Haley down again or they can take her to do something. They never call for Billi and my other two girls have never been back either. They do not call my kids, come to any of their school, and church or sporting events. On their birthdays my husband picks up a birthday gift bag for them from his parents. On Christmas my children receive duplicate gifts of what his mother picked out for his daughter Haley. Everyone's Birthday and Christmas is all with in a couple of months of each other. I start getting really depressed and having anxiety attacks in the early fall in anticipation of the hurt and anger that will come with the years holidays.<P>There are many, many more details of things that have been done. Efforts, sacrifices and agreements I have made and then been betrayed on by my mother-in law and by my husband not standing up for my children and doing what ever his mother wanted. This situation has continued for seven years. My daughters from my previous marriage are now 9 & 11 and can see what is being done. I want to raise them to stand up for themselves, to see value in the way people treat you, and the thought behind gifts and gestures. I do not want them to grow up thinking it is okay for someone to treat you as less all year and give you duplicate gifts just so that Bill with take Haley there for Christmas. I feel I have bent over backward to try to make a relationship with his family work and I just do not want to participate in holiday time that I feel is belittling to me and my children. <P>I would never ask my husband to chose between his family and me. I truly love him and want him to be happy and be able to have a relationship with every one that loves him. I just don't want to be a part of taking my children to someone's home that does not want them there at any other time during the year. I have told Bill that I am fine with him continuing to go there and take both our daughter and his daughter Haley there, but I do not want to go any more. I would like for the time he goes to his family to be him and the "family" that is actually accepted by his parents. It is very hurtful to go to their home and see it pushed in mine and my other girls faces. Gifts don't make it right and I am nauseous for weeks ahead thinking of having to accept and say thank you to someone who does not accept me or my children into their family. I know in my heart that I can not continue to bury all the pain it causes and am concerned that if I continue to go that I will "loose it" at the next event and will cause my husband to be back to not having any relationship with his family at all. I love him too much to see that happen.<P>Honestly, our relationship is wonderful. More than I ever thought you could share with another person. I don't want to loose what we have when we are together, but I can't bear another 10 years of being forced to be around his family and that is how long it will be until his daughter Haley is grown and on her own. There are many times I wish I had never made the effort to restore any relationship with my husband and my daughter. But I knew then and still recognize that was miserable for him and I don't want him to live like that either.<P>When my husband and I are alone together or even with our daughter Billi, it is absolutely wonderful. But as soon as we have all the kids together or have to deal with his mother, it all falls apart. Do you have any advice for solving this problem and saving our family or does a mother-in-law that was against it from the start doom our marriage?<P><BR> Desperately seeking your advice,<BR> Mykala
