My husband of 6 years informed me two days ago that he wanted a divorce and that he had been having an affair. To make matters worse he has only known this person for 3 months and he says he loves her. We are both in the same house and he comes and goes as he please informing me that he is going to see her. She has been married twice. He has completely changed from the man I married. He says he no longer loves me....Why do I feel so worthless?

He won't go to counseling and refuses to try and repair the marriage. I am shocked...I knew we had our problems but I never expected this....I still love him...what do I do???

I know all too well what you must be going through. I haven't made a post on this forum in months, but when I read the fresh wound, I could not stand to leave you out there alone.

My stbxw and I separated 8 months ago. The divorce will be final in 2 weeks. All in all it was clean. We went to a mediator with no individual attorneys. Anyway a little background...

My x did the same to me. I never saw it coming. She just became very distant in the bedroom and finally professed she was in love with someone else, but only emotionally (a now admitted lie). I fought it for six months, through the holidays last year, when I could take no more of her staying weekends away, not calling, and bringing our son to her lovers house while supposedly on business, cell phone bills, ect, ect., it goes on and on and on.

I tried Dr. Phil, this website, Retrouville, and other methods, books, and advice. I made myself a much better person and improved every relationship with everyone with the exception of her. Her eyes were closed and they were not to be opened.

Now...... currently, we are waiting for the final papers. Much pain has gone away. I hate her no more. We are very friendly and civil. Recently, it even seemed as if we would prolong the motion and take things very slow and see if God wants us to get back together. I would have given it a 60%-40% split on us making it but......

Friday she told me she was pregnant for her adultering partner. More lies. There she was trying to put it together with me while living yet another lie. She is three months into it. Needless to say, in two weeks I will be single.

NOW THE MEDICINE

My only regret with the way I handled this last year was when she told me she was "In love with someone else" was that I should have put her out on her @#$ then and there and started the Plan B no contact right away. The reason or why you ask?? That is exactly what I have done during this separation, and it worked. She realizes what we had, what she gave up, how beautiful it was, and what the future could hold. Now the only problem is she is knocked up by a man she is no longer with and who wrecked her life. I guess what goes around comes around.

By the way, I still let her cry on my shoulder and give her as much support as possible. Why?? Because, through all of this I am a much better person now. I recommended that she sees a counselor becasue I am really concerned about her well being.

You see, people make it through the worse of times. Talk to your family and friends. Once I did, things did get better quickly. Practice hard love since he is sooo unresponsive. People always want what they can't have. Give him the freedom without you, and I bet he will come crawling back, it is human nature.

I wish you the best and may God bless you.

I know all too well what you must be going through. I haven't made a post on this forum in months, but when I read the fresh wound, I could not stand to leave you out there alone.

My stbxw and I separated 8 months ago. The divorce will be final in 2 weeks. All in all it was clean. We went to a mediator with no individual attorneys. Anyway a little background...

My x did the same to me. I never saw it coming. She just became very distant in the bedroom and finally professed she was in love with someone else, but only emotionally (a now admitted lie). I fought it for six months, through the holidays last year, when I could take no more of her staying weekends away, not calling, and bringing our son to her lovers house while supposedly on business, cell phone bills, ect, ect., it goes on and on and on.

I tried Dr. Phil, this website, Retrouville, and other methods, books, and advice. I made myself a much better person and improved every relationship with everyone with the exception of her. Her eyes were closed and they were not to be opened.

Now...... currently, we are waiting for the final papers. Much pain has gone away. I hate her no more. We are very friendly and civil. Recently, it even seemed as if we would prolong the motion and take things very slow and see if God wants us to get back together. I would have given it a 60%-40% split on us making it but......

Friday she told me she was pregnant for her adultering partner. More lies. There she was trying to put it together with me while living yet another lie. She is three months into it. Needless to say, in two weeks I will be single.

NOW THE MEDICINE

My only regret with the way I handled this last year was when she told me she was "In love with someone else" was that I should have put her out on her @#$ then and there and started the Plan B no contact right away. The reason or why you ask?? That is exactly what I have done during this separation, and it worked. She realizes what we had, what she gave up, how beautiful it was, and what the future could hold. Now the only problem is she is knocked up by a man she is no longer with and who wrecked her life. I guess what goes around comes around.

By the way, I still let her cry on my shoulder and give her as much support as possible. Why?? Because, through all of this I am a much better person now. I recommended that she sees a counselor becasue I am really concerned about her well being.

You see, people make it through the worse of times. Talk to your family and friends. Once I did, things did get better quickly. Practice hard love since he is sooo unresponsive. People always want what they can't have. Give him the freedom without you, and I bet he will come crawling back, it is human nature.

I wish you the best and may God bless you.

Welcome, and sorry that you need to be here.
Yours is a common situation, unfortunately. First read this whole site. Go to the Emotional Needs board and post this same thing there. EN sees a lot more action. Also read the threads for newcomers. They are awesome. Another good place to post is Just Found Out.
Naturally, we love to have you here as well, but EN is the hot spot.
As you read this site, you will discover that there is HOPE. Your husband is suffering from a chemically altered state called lust/infatuation whatever. He is NOT thinking rationally. Nor is he seeing the whole picture. So just ignore what he says about you, him and OW as much as possible.
I’m not really sure if it’s good or bad that he’s being upfront.
You should start plan A now. That means nothing that withdraws love and meeting needs when he lets you. Fill in the questionnaires as if you were him, and develop your plan from there.
If you can, get Cerri on Just Found Out to be your marriage coach. She’s had training and has worked at MB weekends. Post to her.

There is hope.

Sunseeker
Both Wondering111 and Greengables gave you good advice. Read all the literature available here at MB. Do you have a support system and/or family where you're located?

What you're going through is not unique to you - we've all gone through similar circumstances to varying degrees. You are among friends here, so read up, post your questions/comments, and stay in touch.

<small>[ October 29, 2003, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

thank you all for your advice...Today is a little bit brighter.

God bless,

Shannon

Hey Sunseeker,

First of all, you are not a throw away or worthless. Get that straight first and foremost.

Secondly people who get caught up in A's are just acting self centered with little to no regard for the BS. It's not your fault.

You're not alone, we've all been there <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

If I had to go through it again, I probably wouldn't change a thing. The path God thankfully lead me down was this

-Get the Book Surviving an Affair

-For me, I kept a notebook and wrote down everything I was thinking and feeling.

-I got straight with God and went back to church

-Keep reading concepts/posts/continue posting on this website

-Get family/friends support going, people who you can talk to.

-Realize it was his choice and decision. You may have had problems in the M but going outside of it was not the way to deal with it.

-Do things to improve yourself for yourself. This helps throughout the process not only for you, but the WS will notice the changes.

-Formulate a plan to save your M and stick with it as long as you can.

There is no plan to save the marriage...I have begged and pleaded with him for us to go to counseling before we end it. He absolutely refuses to do it. In his mind he no longer loves me and loves her. He is a very stubborn man. We are still living in the same house adn he tell me when he is going over to her house. THIS IS NOT THE MAN I MARRIED!!! THE man I married was sweet and caring...swore he would never be like his father. To make matter worse..he comes from a family that thinks nothing of getting divorces and having affairs. His dad has been married 3 times, his step mom four times, his real mom twice, One sister 3 times, one brother who has had an affair and one other sister who is still on her first marriage. None of them are offering me any type of support....I am simply cut out of their lives and they are opening their arms to this other woman. He said "they understand" why he did it. Like I'm the one at fault...adn all I did was love him...maybe too much....

I just don't understand how this is happening to me!!!

We can never truly understand why things happen to us. It is usually after the fact that we find clarity in the reason it happened in the first place.

It appears his family has no morals/values in regards to M being a sacred union between two people and God which is no surprise to me that he would fall into the same trap.

This is really bad because now it runs in his family. It's a generational sin that will keep going on within his family until someone puts a stop to it. It wouldn't surprise me if the lone family member still on the 1st marriage has some sort of issue in the future. And that their children have issues. We learn what we are taught by our parents.

I wouldn't look to his family for support, sorry I did not clarify that. Blood is thicker then mud they say. Even though he is clearly wrong with what he did, most of the time they will never take your side.

Try to focus on bettering yourself and keeping occupied. The craziness will fade eventually.

Its just so frustrating that I want to work things out and he does not....it's like he has been brain washed...

I just feel so helpless..

Sunseeker
Torn Asunder by Dave Carder talks about the very nature of families full of affairs, and Eduard is right that it will not end until someone in that family deals with the issue and puts an end to it. Get the book, I found it at the library, and have read a bunch. Christian oriented and very thorough.

You are NOT a throw away and this is not about your personal worth. It is about his weakness, your needs and his needs. Work on improving yourself and find what god wants to teach you. Think about individual counseling and anti-depressants they have both been good for me. Best of luck to you, there are many caring people here who will respond to your concerns.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Its just so frustrating that I want to work things out and he does not....it's like he has been brain washed... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you read more on this site, they call it being in the fog. Where they are not the person you once think they were. They do things they normally would not have done. It is truly sad.

Read "Surviving An Affair", it gave me such great understanding about what is going on. It has plans and steps to follow if you truly want to try to work it out.

I was frustrated for the longest time that I did everything possible to work it out and my WW did not want to. In the end, I have no regrets. At least I tried.

Read read read read and then read some more!

I agree with people want what they can't have, I think an affair in the beginning is fun, makes people feel wanted and alive but when reality of life sets in again, well then hey sometimes it isn't so fun anymore.

Tough love is right, try to cut off contact as much as possible and try to do something little everyday for your self esteem, that I what I am doing. I had to move from AZ to VA this week because he ended it so I don't even get to see him at all which is very hard but helps with the no contact thing.