We have been married 11 years. My husband used to be a gentle and loving. Now he is drinking 36oz of beer a night. He used to push me around and call me names till I told him I would let his family know he was abusing me. Now he gooses and gropes me. He will hold me down and squeese my breasts till it hurts.I beg him to quit it because it hurts. I asked him "why" he does it. He says "because he likes to" and if I was any kind of a woman, I would like it too. He can not sleep alot of nights and wants me to rub hus stomach till he falls asleep. As soon as I stop, he wakes up. He will wake me up several times a night to do that. When I get mad and ask him to not wake me again he says I should do anything to please him and that I am not a real woman because a real woman would do anything to make her husband happy. He says he can find someone that will. Our sex life was always good so I don't know whay he has changed.<BR>Every day I wonder how much longer I will continue to live like this.<BR>Any suggestions<P>------------------<BR>sonlight

Hi Sonlight,<P>Great name by the way!<P>What names I hate me as are the names I hate you as.<P>So what names you hate you as are the names yo hate him as.<P>And waht names he hates you as are the names he hates himself as.<P>So if you now hate him as an alcoholic and groper and gooser and breast squeezer and rubbed stomach!, it will only get worse!<P>He is doing those things because he hates himself as certain words and is trying to get Love by DOING certain thins: so if you hate him now as what else he becomes by what acts he does, for example he drinks so if you hate him as drinker and as an alcoholic, he'll drink even more! If you hate him as a strnager, he'll do more strange things!<BR>See?<P>If you lvoe you as those words and so love him as those words, he'll calm down: Actually say the wordsl I love myself as an alcoholic so that is why I lvoe you as one!<BR>Matthew 22:36-40 and 12:34-37.<P>Then you can in Love also squeeze certain parts of him between his legs that hurt a lot too because you love it and only a real man ......!<P>Then you can teach him to lvoe himself as all words too so that he will not have to drink to be lvoed nor have sex to be loverd nor squeeze your breasts too hard to be loved, nor etc and so he will be able to lvoe you more as himself!<BR>Ok?<P>I love me as all words and names: so no names can offend me!<BR>You can too! Psalms 119:165<P>Omega

Would you please give us a little more information about your situation? Have you read the Basic Concepts information on this site? Do you have a pastor who can help you work through the struggles in your marriage? <P>The behavior your husband is showing is not loving and healthy for your marriage. You know this, which is I am sure why you are looking for some answers. He is not loving you. He is not caring for you. He is not protecting you. <P>You might consider asking him to journey through the information on this site with you. It is great information that has helped many couples have healthy marriages.<P>To read the concepts just click on "concepts" at the top of this page.<P>Blessings!

Sonlight:<P>This is ABUSE plain and simple. It is also considered in the eyes of the law to be Domestic Violence. Whenever anyone touches/hits/pushes you in a way that is not welcomed and/or causes injury is battery.<P>Do not put up with this behavior any longer. This will lead to further physical violence and much more injurious. I can bet he also verbally abuses you. The comments about any "real woman". These are manipulating and controlling statements. He also knows by breaking you down, it gives him more control of you.<P>You need counseling and a good friend to help you through this. You do not deserve this and should expect better. Marriage is about protection and care. He is not protecting you and certainly doesn't care, especially if you've already told him it hurts when he squeezes your breasts.<P>It pains me terribly to read your post. I hate to see mental and physical abuse on the part of either spouse. Dr. Harley speaks of when to separate from a spouse and try and work on the marriage from two different households. That would be whenever there is a propensity for future violence and you are a prime candidate.<P>twinzmom

Thank you all for your suggestions even the crypic one.<BR>I feel I must say that I don't "hate" my husband. If I did I wouldn't be in this situation, I would have left a long time ago.<BR>His need to control became more noticable a few years ago. My 22 yr old son (from a previous marriage) was in an serious accident. My husband hates my 2 sons (Jealous). I have 2 daughters he gets along ok with. Anyway I wanted to visit my son in the hospital, I was there as often as I could until they stablized and transfered him to a better facility 100 miles away. My H became angry because I was going and demanded that I not go. He got mad when I refused and threw a glass at me breaking it on the cupboard.<BR>This was the first of many outbursts. We had been together 6 years at this point and I had seen him react in anger before but never directly at me.<BR>It has been down hill from that point on. I no longer trusted him with my emotions. He directed his anger at me often, blaming me for the smallest things and making a big deal out of everything. I just ignored the blaming. Adam blamed Eve because he could not resist eating the apple so I figured it was just the nature of man to blame others for their problems.<BR>That lead to the name calling. Any name you can think of, I was called. Then it was the shoving. One day he couldn't find some papers in his office a he said I took them. I did not. He found then later mixed up with some stuff he had thrown on my desk. He still said I took them. He was in a rage and hit me on the upper arm, very hard. I had a blue, black and purple bruse from my shoulder to my elbow. I took pictures of my arm and my family doctor has them. then it was shoving and yelling. He liked to push me back against the wall and yell in my face the same thing over and over.<BR>Always for something I thought trivial. (no cheese in the fridge etc.)<BR>I threatened to call the police and tell his family if he didn't quit it. That seemed to work for awhile but now it is the sleep and groping thing. He says it is my fault that he can not sleep, that I will not help him go to sleep.He wakes me 3 and 4 times a night sometimes more. He wants me to rub his stomach or other parts till he goes to sleep. He can be sound asleep and he will wake up when I quit. I am not getting enough sleep either. <BR>I don't get what he means that "I won't help him sleep".( he says that even after I have been awake for hours rubbing him.) The Dr. gave him meds and he took them for awhile. They seemed to work. His attitude was alot better but he could not drink when taking them so he has refused to refill them. He goes to the store every night and buys a quart bottle of beer and sometimes gets an extra can. He drinks this every night. He will not admit to having a drinking problem. He says he works hard and he deserves to relax with a beer if he wants to.<BR>He is not a Christian. It wouldn't suit his lifestyle. I finally had to quit talking to him about salvation, he said I was *****ing at him.. I have given his salvation over to god. He was raised Presbyterian. His parents are very active in their church. <BR>To sum this all up. I question whether this is my fault. I have tried to be a loving and supportive companion. I feel he is trying to brainwash me into thinking I am at fault.<BR>I think I am more into finding out why he has changed so drastically.<BR>sonlight <P>

First let me say how sorry I am that you are going thru this. And how I hope my story doesnt end up as long as yours. My husbands personality also did a 180. In a very short period of time. I keep forgiving and waiting for him to change back because I "understand he is under stress and thats why he is acting this way" Any of that sound familiar? <P>Have you talk to him about leaving? The advise everyone gives me is to leave, not divorce but seperation until he gets help and proves he wont treat me that way anymore. We tried that and he seemed better but then came home before I was ready and now acts just the way he did before. I've set a tentative time (depending on what the future brings I may change it) and I am working plan A to the max and encouraging my H to get therapy and trying to discuss it with him without cause another explosion. After that time if we have not managed to make a livable situation, then I will have to worry about myself and my daughter and not my marriage.<BR> <BR>You have been in this for so long, you didnt really say how long or what you have tried already. I encourage you to set some personal goals and make the first one your safety. Keep posting and know that there are others going thru something similar and our hearts go out to you.<p>[This message has been edited by what_do_i_do (edited September 05, 2001).]

It sounds quite possible that your husband is having some serious psychiatric problems. He is paranoid, violent, etc. Also, you said he wasn't always this way. Is there any way you might be able to convince him to go to a doctor? If not, maybe counseling? Even if he won't go, you may want to think about going for yourself. This is NOT normal. Please seek help for yourself before things get worse.

Dear sonllight,<P>You are sleep deprived and not thinking clearly. That's one of the consequences of your H's turning you into a "comfort woman" (sexual slave.) <P>He can't sleep because he has too much alcohol in him. That's one of the consequences of his abusing his own body. He's an alcoholic.<P>Your H doesn't recognize that you are two separate people. He sees that your only reason for living is to serve his needs. If that gives you no time to sleep, too bad. If he hurts you by squeezing your breasts too hard, too bad. <P>Look in your phone book for a phone number for abused women, and talk to a counselor. Their protocol is that after you make one phone call, you have to call AGAIN to set up an appointment to go in and see a counselor. (I know because I helped an acquaintance deal with spousal abuse.)<P>Your H isn't the person to define whether what he is doing is abuse or love. And he's wearing you down so that you aren't able to define it either. It IS abuse.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess