I mutual friend of my wife and I referred us to this website. We have been married for four years and had recently seperated becasue my wife is afraid of my angry outbursts (there have been 4 or 5 since we have been married). My wife filed a restraining order against me and has filed for divorce although I have yet to be served. I thought I could control my outburst but realized that I could not and went to see a dr. who diagnosed me with a chemical imbalance that causes these. I have been put on medication that will prevent these outburst. I love my wife and son with all my heart. How do I get her to give us a chance and show her that she can trust me again. I am willing to do anything to save my marriage.

What do your angry outbursts consist of?
Do you, or have you become physical to her? or to any walls?

How do you percieve angry? How does your wife look at anger? Anger is an natural human emotion.

I too gave my stbxw angry outbursts, she also served an PPo against me. I never became physical with my wife. I now know why my anger was.


You really need to have a better understanding of what anger is.

Websters defines anger as "emotional excitement induced by intense displeasure."
Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure or irration. Anger involves a physical state of readiness. When we experience anger our mind and our body prepares us to act.
Anger involves physical and emotional energy. It is up to us whether use that energy in constructive ways or to abuse ourselves and/or those that we love.

Anger is a frequently experienced emotion. The emotion of anger experienced is more frequent than most people would like to admit. When we begrudge, disdain, others or when we are annoyed, repulsed, irrated, frustrated, offended or cross we probably experience some form of anger.
Most couples experience the emotion of anger 8 to 10 times daily and thats before they have kids. (research results) Anger, also from being corrected

Most couples don't understand that anger is a secondary emotion that is usually experienced in response to a primary emotion such as hyrt, frustration, and fear. ANger can be an almost automatic response to any kind of pain. It is the emotion most of us feel shortly after we have been hurt. When your spouse corrects you, talks down to you, it hurts.

Anger is usualy the first emotion we see. At the moment it may be the only emotion that we are aware of yet it is rarely the one we have experienced.
Just below the surface there are almost always other, deeper emotions that need to be identified, and acknowledged. Hidden deep underneath the secondary emotion of anger is the primary emotions of the fear, the hurt, the frustration, the disappointment, vulnerability, and the longing for connection.

For most people the emotion of anger is considered negative, a problem, something to be eliminated or solved. What we so often fail to see is that every problem is really an opportunity in disguise, an opportunity to learn, to grow, to mature, to be used of God to make significant changes for good.

Anger is a signal" anger is an emotion that God can use to get our attention and make us more aware of opportunities to learn, grow, to deepen, to mature and to make significant changes for the good. Anger, like love, is an emotion that has tremendous potential for both good and evil.
Thast why its important for us to understand.
Anger is a signal worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or fulfilled.

Educate yourself tremendously about anger,,,

If you need to, attend anger management classes.

Stephan,

still STANDING in Michigan

rejoiceministries.org

I am currently in an anger mgmt. class. The source of my anger is from frustration associated with my wife's inability to communticate with me. My anger consists of yelling and occasionally grabbing her arm. No throwing, now hitting her or anything else.

I do not know what else to do to make this work and to assure her that it will not happen again.

Our marriage councelor told me that my wife always thought of our problems as a me problem and not a us problem. I have tried to fix my end of the problem. I am going to counceling now, taking medication - I have read a book on improving communication and have asked her to read it as well.

I just don't know how to convince her to give us another shot.

Miagi, you might not be able to "convince" her, but by your actions, she might become convinced that you are willing to change and are in fact, changing, and that is probably what it'd take for her to be willing to not want the divorce.

You mentioned that right now she sees it as a problem with you and not as something you are doing that is a reaction to things she is doing (not communicating). For now, try to just focus on you and you alone. Humble yourself and be willing to change yourself and to do whatever necessary to control your anger. Someday... after your wife sees this change and is "won" by this change, hopefully then she will first be willing to work on the marriage and then secondly, you will have more opportunity to talk to her about her lack of communication.

You said that your anger consists of "yelling and occasionally grabbing her arm. No throwing, now hitting her or anything else."

To your wife, yelling and grabbing her arm enough to upset her. You need to have the attitude of, "I am so sorry that I have yelled" and not followed with, "BUT I never hit." In other words, don't excuse or justify yelling by comparing it to a worser "crime" of hitting. No, you haven't hit (thank goodness) but your wife fears you anyways (I assume since she has a restraining order). When you yell at her, you push her away and you might possibly scare her. She might wonder IF or when you will eventually hit her. Your yelling and grabbing her arm has been enough to push her away and to cause her fear, etc. No, you haven't hit, but that doesn't minimize the effects that the yelling has had on her.

For right now, don't focus on your wife's behaviors that "cause" you to be angry. You need to simply acknowledge that you have acted in anger and it has been destructive to your marriage. No ifs, ands, or buts. And most likely, this is what your wife wants. If you say, "I am angry... BUT it's because she won't communicate," it probably won't help. You have to just say, "I was angry, I yelled, and I was wrong."

You CAN control your anger and your wife needs to see you expressing your regret for your behavior and seeking her forgiveness and showing her that you are willing to do anything to change. It is awfully frighteing for a woman to be married to a man who says, "I CAN'T control my anger." You need to acknowledge, that yes, you can, and then do whatever it takes to deal with it (the anger).


I think what Stephen said about the source of your anger is wise. Anger is a reaction or an emotion to something else. And I would venture to say it probably goes beyond your wife's lack of communication. Why does her lack of communication cause you anger? Your counselor can probaby help you to get to the underlying reasons.

Whatever you do, respect your wife's restraining order. Don't do anything where you go against it or cause her any fear or further anger on her part.

She probably doesn't truly "want" the divorce but sees it as the only way out of a marriage in which her husband treats her in ways that she doesn't want to be treated. Most people seek a divorce because they think things are never going to change or they feel mistreated or unloved, or they simply don't respect the other person because of that person's behaviors (usually behaviors that have hurt them).

Somehow, you have to show her that there is hope, that you can and are changing, that the marriage can get better. It probably won't happen overnight. It might take time for her to "watch" you. She might be afraid right now to believe or trust you right now, and she is probably skeptical.

Check out this site: www.divorcebusting.com Read the articles... there is one on why women leave men.

Also www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org They are both Christian sites. Are you or your wife Christians?