Are there any of you out there who divorced after long term marriage (20+ years) and then regretted your decision? If you did, what aspects of divorce made you regret that choice?

Hi Veronique,

I myself can't answer this because my marriage was not that long and it was my husband who divorced me.

But, I'll share just a little about my parents. They divorced when I was about 12. My mom was depressed and dad was just plain hard and angry. We, as kids, thought we were "happy" because they were always fighting. But basically, which choice was really one that made us happy... them fighting or them divorcing? Neither.

Anyways, it was not until recently, about 22 or so years later, that for the first time, I began to think that maybe my dad regretted the divorce. I have never heard him say anything about it (and have never asked). He and my mom speak and we have even spent holidays together (mostly when I was married and now my sister is, so we all get together at our house or something). My dad has been remarried for a long time; my mom never remarried.

Well, it was my husband who said he thought my dad regrets the divorce because I guess he was talking about it a little with my husband.

My dad missed out on alot of mine and my sister's life simply because he didn't live here anymore. We weren't a family anymore. We had to "visit" him and call him vs. him being here in the house.

I don't know if he has ever missed my mom. I have never asked. But I know that as a result of the divorce, he lost his house (we stayed here) and in many ways, he lost his children simply because he wasn't around us nearly as much. And for that reason, I do think he regrets the divorce and I think that now, in his older age (he's about 60), he wonders how maybe it could've worked out if he'd stayed married vs. divorced.

I think alot of people when they get older, look back with regret. Time has mellowed them out and they are not so angry about things, etc. and they realize that even their new spouse is not perfect and life is still hard, and they begin to wonder how life might have been had they not divorced.

Thanks, LoveMyEx. All of my children are adults and I am fairly certain they will maintain a relationship with both of us. I am contemplating divorce but also know that it often isn't what you think it might be. I was hoping for some feedback on what kinds of things were a surprise. I wish my feelings about things that happened in the early years of my marriage could mellow. I am just tired of having to deal with those feelings and wonder what it would be like to be married to someone who had never been abusive to me.

So far----I have no regrets. I am not divorced but have been separated from my former H and past life for one year. I knew when I left my WS and my home that there would be no going back. The separation was extremely painful and I felt like I had a hole the size of Calif in my heart for months and months BUT, thank God, the pain has subsided and I have never been happier. I no longer have to deal with an indifferent, drinking, unconnected husband day in and day out. I spent so much energy trying to constantly work on out M but it did not prove to be very successful cause it takes two to work things out in M.

I do still feel a slight void at times and sadness is an occassional reminder that I have to accept what can not be but without the pain of rejection and confusion, I am finding out what I like, having strong convictions, managing my life with confidence, making good choices and learning to find my way in this single world I am in.

I think I have no regrets cause I did not leave in haste. I thought it through and made sure that God was with me in the decision I made. I prayed often that God would show me if the A was a catalyst to change a difficult M or was it my open door to leave. I discovered, unfortunately, my open door.

I do not know what my WS is feeling. He is more disconnected than before and seems more indifferent to me but it could be just his escape mechanism protecting him.

I think the key is doing everything possible to save the M and then if that doesn't work, you can walk away with different perspective and confidence that what you are doing is the best and only solution. I fear that my WS will have tremendous regret one day for many, many reasons. I really doubt he will ever share that with anyone, though.

TW

Thank you for sharing your experience, TossedWave. It sounds like you experienced some of the things that I experienced. In the early years of our marriage my husband drank and was abusive, he went through treatment and wasn't abusive after that, but did spend the next 18 years being sullen and crabby. The last 6 years he wasn't sullen or crabby, usually, but by this time I was so tired of feeling like I was begging for affection that I just got tired of the whole thing. Now, I think there has been too much water under the bridge. Plus, I LONG to know what it is like to be married to someone who was never abusive to me. I realize that all marriages have problems, but most don't have the kinds of problems mine had. I don't feel respect for him and no matter what I do to try to put it back I can't seem to. You have given me hope that if I should decide to divorce I will be ok. Thanks!

Don't misunderstand me----the pain of separation was unbearable. Divorce is a nasty, ripping and tearing at something that is bound together. It is confusing and some of the feelings are so hard to sort out. I have seen many people get stuck in their pain and bitterness and that is a miserable way to live.

I would have done anything to work on things cause the grass is not greener anywhere else. Everybody has baggage and some sort of defects of character and I all ready knew what I had to deal with married to my H. Unfortunately, my H was not willing to work on anything so I had no other recourse but to leave. I also was not good at expressing myself and having firm boundaries. I was dying inside and was getting sicker day by day. It would have been hard to work on things but I think it would have been far better than ripping myself away from all that I loved and cared about.

But since I had no other choice, I do believe God helped me to get healthy and learn to live a good life. And again, I have no regrets cause I did all that I could possibly have done to keep my M together.

There are many on these boards that recovered and they say that their marriages are better than ever so I do believe that if two people work at their committment to each other, it is worth it. I do not believe that anyone should let another abuse or disregard them for the sake of keeping things together.

TW

My husband and I were seperated for 6 months earlier this year. It was incredibly hard to live without him. It did indeed feel like ripping myself in two. I left my home and moved closer to my job which meant I moved away from my adult children. I think losing my home and not being as close to my kids as I was used to being made it harder yet. I still do not feel happy at home and do feel like I am dying inch by inch. One thing that keeps me here is that the thought of my husband eventually going on with someone else makes me sick. I don't know how I would ever deal with that.

Yes, yes, yes,

I regret my divorce so deeply, but I had no choice. It was entirely my x-wife`s decision. In our divorce, it was crystal clear who the dumper and the dumpee were. Her choice was clear from the very beginning. No forgiveness, no mercy, no discussion. After I confessed that I had physical affairs, for her it was straight to another man and then straight to file divorce papers.

My attitude is similar to Tossed Wave below, who wrote:

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"I think the key is doing everything possible to save the M and then if that doesn't work, you can walk away with different perspective and confidence that what you are doing is the best and only solution. I fear that my WS will have tremendous regret one day for many, many reasons"

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I tried, but my x-wife did not. She began a relationship immediately after our crisis began. She went with me three times to counselling half- heartedly, but it was just for show. There was no real attempt on her part because her heart immediately shifted completely elsewhere.

Now I begin to think if I ever want her back again, because this other man has basically transformed her into someone very different. She is not the gentle family oriented woman I once knew. She has a rough edge and seems so "me-centered" about everything. My betrayal apparently changed her profoundly. I am truly losing faith that we will ever reconcile. And since I have now initiated a "no-contact policy" with her, it is impossible for me to even get a pulse on how she is feeling. I guess it is over and I just must accept it In my signature line, I write for all to stand by for our reconciliation. I am afraid it still will be a very very long time.

Standing in Finland

Better off? Regrets?
Better off -- yes, Regrets? I think that what I regret is the *hopes* and *dreams*. I too was married for 20 years. Thing was, I was the one holding the relationship together. I sacrificed and gave it my all, while he continued to live like the single man and reap the rewards of marriage. I took care of everything...house, kids, his business.

Now flash forward 4 years and I am the one that struggles daily financially. I am single, not attached to anyone, living in subsidized housing with the kids separated (one with him, one with me and one on their own). He's the one with the big fancy house, the fancy cars and oh yes...the woman by his side.

I regret what never was, but realize that I would have died in that relationship. I have my self-esteem, great friends who *truly* care for me, and I live my life without having to repeat telephone conversations or give him an itemized list of where every penny went or how much time I spent with who and what we talked about.

We make out of life what we make out of life. I wasn't strong enough to leave earlier (which is one thing I regret) -- but then again I was never able to. I know more now and I am teaching my children what *healthy* is as opposed to what he is teaching them (btw...he's living with one woman and dating another, asking his oldest to keep his secrets).

I am happy with myself. I am true to myself and I feel extreme pity for my ex. I too wanted to save the marriage, but realized it takes two to do that. I couldn't do it by myself anymore. He filed for divorce when I started taking my life back. (meaning I wouldn't be a doormat anymore and he didn't like it) He still says, "She (me) wanted to see if the grass was greener -- she wanted to *find* herself." Actually I found out that the grass WAS greener on the other side, cause the side I was on...well the grass was dead. The only green blades were my children. The grass now is green...maybe not as lush and full as I would like it to be -- but I'm working on finding the right fertilizers for it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I guess the bottom line is -- what do you want to live with? how do you want to live? To me, I wanted to be authentic and now have to live this facade of things being so *great* when it wasn't.

Thank you to all of you who replied. This is such a difficult decision - I am trying to get as much information and as many perspectives as I can before I make it. Part of me wishes I would have left my spouse when he was abusive - then I know that the decision would have been justified, but I was young, we had kids and I wanted so badly for them to grow up in a home with both of us there. When he went through treatment and quit drinking and being abusive it seemed like the right thing to stay in the marriage and I still believe it was then. My kids got to grow up with both parents there everyday for them. Now that my kids are grown and I can support myself financially I would think the decision would be easier but in fact it isn't. Through the years we have managed to work out many aspects of our marriage to the point where many things are comfortable. We have money to help our kids out (which won't be quite as abundant if we divorce), we both love having our grandkids over, we like to travel and can do that as long as we are together, but there are also many holes still there. I still have hurt from the trauma I went through when he was abusive, I can't respect him, there is absolutely no passion left in our marriage, I often feel like in order to be heard I have to be a ***** about things (if I just tell him I have a need in a nice way it gets ignored). I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with a man who hadn't been abusive to me (yet I am also afraid I will choose a man like that again). The easy thing in a lot of ways would be to just stay but my heart keeps crying, "GO GO - Take a chance on a happier life." I'm not sure if I should listen to my head or my heart!

Still going through the a divorce that I do not want and I don't believe I will ever condone it. I am a believer in Jesus and God does hat divorce. A little of my desire to not have a divorce stems from that. The rest comes from a steadfast new understanding that I have always loved my wife even when I was the dumbo and did not show it. I have been reading the LB's again and I am amazed that some of it I did and did not know it. Again as so many say - if I would have known. Divorce is a very easy solution for some but so is forgiveness. For me it is no easy and forgiveness is a very hard thing to deal with. I share this in only one aspect for you and that there is a statistic (correct me if I am wrong) that when one spouse dies it seems the other spouse soons follow later in life. I cannot say if this is a statistic where two people love each other a lot or not.....I am not in your shoes. I will pray for you to have wisdom but I won't lie and tell you that I am going to pray that you don't get divorced. I will pray for your H to have an awakening.

M over 17yrs, X retired & had affair with MOW. I tried everything to make X stay he blamed me for the failure. When I talked with OW X, I found out that the A had been going on for over yr, & she was asking her X months for a D months before my X. I have no regrets, I feel better, no more staying awake wondering who he is with now, his A was done on duty as police officer. X got joint custody of our son but has no contact with him. X is now like a stranger to me. I have no regrets for filing I had no choice. God has been good to me, found a good job, new home. I feel sorry for OW, she thinks she got something special but X said she wasnt his only A, she was the only one who wanted him. X has called a few times, but only to leave threats. Im not sure why he is so full of hate & angry.

Have you considered what you can do while staying in your marriage to make it better? Maybe individual counseling can help you learn to come to terms with the past abuse, and to figure out how to ask for what you need to be happier in the marriage. Divorce is hard, and while I do not regret divorcing my abusive X after 11 years of marriage, I think if there is any way you can save your marriage, you should try that first. Read the concepts on this site, especially about emotional needs and love busters, since that ight help you to clarify what is still lacking in your marriage.

Myfamily2 - You sound like you are in a good healthy place - I admire that! Your X is probably angry because he knows he made a bad choice and is trying to put his anger at himself somewhere else.
Elspeth - I am in individual counseling and just suggested to my H that we see a marriage counselor - again! We have been to marriage counseling 3 times before and actually each time it helped for a while. The last time we went I learned to say precisely what I needed, "I have this need and I want it met within my marriage." Those exact words. I can't tell you how many times over the last years I have said that only to have it ignored or met for a few days and then things go back to the old routine. When I moved out earlier this year it was like a big wake up call to my H and he has been doing things since then but it makes me angry that at my age (43) I have to move out in order to get his attention! And the longer I am at home the more things go back to the way they were. We did do the EN questionaire and that has helped a little. My goal is to throw myself into this marriage for another 6 months and go from there. It sort of irritates me that I am the only one of us busting my butt looking for ways to save this marriage. He says he wants to stay married but his actions don't always demonstrate that. For example, he quit going to individual counseling as soon as I moved home. As soon as I moved home he quit writing in the journals that we had started for our grandkids. He doesn't seek out resources to try to make things better. He is ok with the status quo. But, I need to make sure I have done everything possible to save this marriage before I decide to walk away.

My wife also feels that she did everything to save our marriage, unfortunately, she never let me know that she felt it needed saving. After 12 years of trying to fix things on her own, she let me know that she was giving up. If she was able to let me know the problems she was having or if I wasn't so blind that I didn't see them, maybe we could have overcome the problems together years ago.
Comunication is very important and maybe it is not completely clear to him what you are going through. We are pretty thick headed sometimes. Once I understood the issues, I was able to change in ways that I know are permanent. Just a little too late.

You keep your faith! You need to smile and know that you are doing a work that takes time. Take it from someone that has no patience and is still thinking I am going to be late.

I cannot speak up for your husband - but I wish that my wife wasn't quenched by my LB's that she could not share with me really what she meant by getting her needs met. I begged her to tell me after I aimlessly kept trying to do things around the house to make her happy. Can you imagine my suprise to get the Divorce papers? How could my wife who says she hated D file? I can say that when my wife went all out and acted as if she was a dead person who had no wants and met my needs as I saw it then (2 weeks she did this) - I was so convicted that I started to work harder at change. This time with the goal that I would not give up. The day she started back on me about being lazy - I kept on moving ahead - wondering what changed her again. Do you want to know what it was? Her mother told her I was no good and not deserving of her attentions and love. She agreed. Why did she agree? Because she was hurting and I did not tell her that her Love had finally crashed through that last piece of resistance in my heart to open up and trust and hope again.

Jesus has done this with me. I closed up from Him as well and I am finding that He can give me peace in this storm. That the wind and the wave do indeed listen to Him. In fact, His sacrifice is the only thing that is keeping me moving towards the desire to change to love my wife not in emotions but in actions and in deeds. That is what she desires most. The emotions will still be there - she was a precious pearl that when I saw her I went and bought her and cherished her for ever - I sold all to get her; only in my case I was not successful but He was.

Thank you! It helps to hear from men who are on the other side. I am trying to be clear about what I need and am realizing I have been doing a pretty poor job meeting my H's EN and am going to work on that. I think I will buy some of the books on here and try to go from there. I do know that saving my marriage will be the least painful for everyone in my family if it can be done. I have decided, though, that I won't settle for a passionless marriage any more.

A little too late --- that is where I am.

The father of a friend wrote a marriage book and in it he talks about anticipating change and not expecting it. It is late and I am not sure what Harley has said on this.

What are you expecting H to do? Does H know this?

JoeCM - I'm sorry that it is too late for your marriage. I will keep you in my prayers. I am hoping that it isn't too late to save mine but am finding it hard to know how to leave things that happened in the past there.

Maybe it'll help you if you put just two options in front of you - things happened in the past OR a 'new' future, with H... or without H... (for this doesn't depend only on you...)