My wifer recently shocked our 6 year marraige with 2 kids by filing for a divorce. She left a letter after I was served stating that she is dead to me that she has lived in hell for the last 6 years amd that she has no love, no respect, no trust, and no like for me. She appears to have been having an affair for a couple of months. She says the guy is just a friend and yet she is with him every weekend and sometimes during the week. My heart desires to have her back. I am willing to work on forgiveness and I am asking Jesus to bring her back to Him and then to Me. My relationship with Jesus is what is keeping me going. How do you handle a hostile, vicious person that you do not really know anymore? She wants the divorce over with but I do not.

JOe, I'm so sorry for what has happened. But, Welcome to MB.

First everyone will tell you to read the whole site. And they're right. There is so much here. Read the first post in Emotional Needs, and there's an awesome post in Just Found Out by Cerri.

It sounds like your wife is in an Emotional Affair from what you've said. It also sounds like she may have neglected to tell you there were problems until it was too late.

She was not radically honest with you. Or perhaps she told you she was unhappy, but you didn't understand what she was saying.

It's great that you want her back, and there are techniques here to help you do that, in particular Plan A. But, part of the process is realizing that you contributed to a marriage environment that made an affair possible.

If she's been miserable the whole time, and the EA is just an exit affair, you have a long up hill battle. It can be won, but prepare to change.

If she's in the "fog" of an affair and that's why she said she's been miserable for six years, you may stand a better chance of getting her back. All you have to do is avoid LBs and do a better job at meeting her top ENs that OM. And you have an advantage: The OM can never meet Family Commitment as well as you because he's not the father of her children.

Good luck and keep us up to date.

Joe,

I know how you feel about not wanting a divorce. Almost everyone that leaves a spouse says all the same things your wife is saying now. Many of these same people reconcile with their spouse at some point. I know many of these couples myself.

Please read may post to jamesp under thread called, I feel like giving up today...

Some of my story is there.

gentle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gentle:
<strong> Joe,

Some of my story is there.

gentle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello
Thank you for directing me yo your story and your post. It was good to hear that God has and will continue to bring marriages from divorce and into His Glory. This is my desire. I find though that even though I have been given hope - I tend to think about what she is doing and the words that she has told me.

My wife is not the one to blame in the marraige - she tried so hard to be there for me. I was an very stupid when it came to relationships expecially with women. I thought my role was to provide and then everything else fell in place. I did meet her emotional needs at times and those were the time when I was walking with Jesus and not in my own selfish desires. I did beleive after rededicating my life to the lord in Sept. 02 that things would start to get better and then she met someone and became close to this man. It hurt. I got mad and angry and treated her poorly.

My wife decided then to get the divorce and has been planning it since then. She met this guy sometime after having to return to work because I was out since July 02 on disability with no hope of returning to work. She did not like that and it is through a co-worker that she has met this guy and his son. She always wanted a boy and even was very very mad that God gave us 2 girls.

I have read Plan A and I have not totally done what is there. I have confessed my sins to her and shared with her God's insight into how I failed. She got mad at me cause I mentioned Jesus. I have continually asked her for another chance and have even spelled out my new desires to spend a lot more time with her and with our daughters. My primary focus has been on her because that is where I was not focused before.

She said she is sure that she wants this divorce and does not want to give me another try. She has only said that this guy is a friend so I do not know if she has sexually committed an affair. It this that has me bogged down - I need to forgive her and that is why Plan B is where I am partially at. I have caught of contact with her except through the Lawyers. She does not call me and will not talk with me. She shows hatred, anger and bitterness and has been lying. She has filed 2 DV reports. They still need to serve them.

There is more but I think that I am repeating what so many have said....she refuses to reconcile and she has turned her heart against God and all that He has blessed her with.

Joe,
I'am no expert, all i will share is my opinions,,,
One spouse can save a marriage!

Each and everytime she hears what your wants, needs or desires are, this actually pushes her further away. Do not continue,,

there is a program called Retrouvaille. They are saving 4 out of 5 marriages. Including those with infidelity, alcohol, and physical abuse. Including marriages when one hates/resents the other spouse!
In as little as three days! Some are requiring more follow up sessions.

Try giving this site a visit, www.marriagesavers.org in the left corner click on need help to save your marrige. And then on those who are threatened by divorce.

There is also "alot" of useful information, right here at MB!!! The sooner you start educating yourself, the better!!!

Accept responsibility, and don't tell her she did this, or she did that. For now, everything is your fault! Do you really want to save your marriage?


In my opinion, its best to just give her the space she needs. She to is confused!!!

Michele Weiner Davis has some good books, "The Divorce Remedy," and "Divorce Busting."
The sooner you begin reading, the better!!!

I heard how i to was hated, not loved, was controlling,,,i heard it all, and then some from my stbxw, she filed for divorce in March, and served an bogus PPO against me. This makes things extremely! much more difficult. Knowing if I contacted her, I could be placed in jail!!!

We also have two children, as i now have custody of! With no attorney! I began reading, and reading, and more reading!!! And i'm still reading! But i'm learning, and it may be to late for to recover my marriage,,
Tomorrow we are going to our second marriage counseling!!

I'm still STANDING in Michigan
www.rejoiceministries.org

Joe,

I am truly sorry for what is happening right now with you and your wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

There is so much I could say, but for right now, let me just encourage you to please visit these places:

www.restorem.org (read their testimony where it says "About Us" and read other testimonies there. You can post your name for prayer and you can also get a prayer partner from there).

www.rejoiceministries.org (sign up for the devotional called "Charlyne Cares." It is an email devotional and sooooo good.)

Both couples who run these two ministries are strong Christian people who both reconciled after divorce and adultery. Their testimonies are pretty "inspiring."

Also, here is a page from amazon.com where you can order some books. The ones I highly recommend are "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat (it is only $3.99 and VERY good and helpful). Also the one by Gary Smalley called "Winning Your Wife Back Before It is Too Late." It is also good and helpful. Michelle-Weiner (Warner?) Davis has a good reputation too. She doesn't claim to be a Christian, but she does seem to have alot of good insight. She has a website called "Divorce Busting" at www.divorcebusting.org

Here is the amazon.com page with the books:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t.../101/1/none/purchase/104-6739088-9063167

As a Christian woman talking to you, a Christian man, let me encourage you to seek the Lord completely during this time. One reason is that if you turn too much to seeking people's advice, you will hear things like, "It's hopeless," or "You don't deserve that," or "Move on," etc. Even a counselor or pastor might tell you this (although I hope not!). You yourself are often going to be tempted to believe this.

Right now, things look very bad to you. You are right in the middle of it. Gentle is right... the things your wife is telling you are things that soooooooo many spouses say to their spouse when they want a divorce. It probably doesn't help you to feel any better about it, but I want to encourage you that many once-loving spouses become, like you said, "hostile" and "vicious" when they are seeking a divorce. My husband did, and others will testify that their spouses have also.

AND... like Gentle and Stephen menioned, many marriages also reconcile... even after these types of things have been said. I have been amazed at how many people I have "met" (either personally or reading their stories) whose marriages have been reconciled.

There is another good book called "Stained Glass Marriage." This couple accused each other of abuse, the husband kidnapped the kids one day, they were very vicious towards each other. They divorced. And now... they are remarried to each other and have a marriage ministry. Here is a link to their testimony: http://www.stainedglassministry.com/templates/cla20re/details.asp?id=20320&PID=30825

So, I guess I share these stories with you to tell you that although things look very bleak and bad right now, there is hope and there are many things you can do to restore your marriage.

Please do be careful at this website (marrige builders) and any website in which there are forums. I think it can be helpful for you, but also keep in mind that many of the people giving advice are bitter and angry. None of them are professional counselors, and they do not know you or your marriage. So be discerning because sometimes when we share things, we end up receiving advice that really only hurts us.

I took bad advice during my separation/divorce from well-meaning Christian friends, but it was not good advice. They didn't really know my husband or the situation. I remember my heart/instincts telling me something to do, then asking them about it, and them telling me "no, don't do that." I wish now that I hadn't taken their advice. Then again, there was some advice I took that was good, but for the most part, people like my family were just concerned about ME not my marriage. So their advice was a "look out for you" type of advice and some of it that I took angered/embittered my husband, and I should not have taken it. Trust the Lord to take care of you and do whatever it is that He lays upon your heart, even if everyone thinks you are nuts!

I will pray for you, and I encourage you to post in the "prayer request" forum here.

To your wife, right now, there is no hope. That is why she is wanting a divorce (and perhaps someone else... this other man). Her heart is closed and hardened towards you and towards God. Pray for her and continue to have a humble attitude as you've shown here (seeing the things you've done wrong). Try very, VERY hard not to be fearful, angry, etc. over the things she is doing and saying (filing for divorce, lying, etc). If you allow it, those actions/words can cause you to become very bitter and hateful towards her. You will have to practice forgiveness towards her OFTEN and it won't be easy.

Honestly though, because you are the one who knows your wife the best, and because no person knows God's will for you or what He is doing in yours and your wife's life, in my opinion, none of us can tell you exactly what to do and how to do it. There are obviously many Biblical commands that are applicable ("bless those who curse you," "forgive one another," "love is patient," etc), and my biggest suggestion to you is to fervently pray and be in the Word, because it is there where you will find the greatest wisdom for your situation as well as strength, comfort, peace, etc.

May God be with you during this time and give you wisdom, strength, comfort, and rest. I know it has got to be a very distressing time (I've been there!) and my heart goes out to you.

Please visit those sites and if you can, purchase those books.

Joe,

My husband was not to blame for our bad marriage either. I was a bad wife. It doesn't matter who is to blame. God can work no matter who is to blame. Jesus' blood is more than able to heal any marriage.

Please listen to the others like Lovemyex, and stephan, and go to the web sites mentioned. You must stop going by what you see or hear from your wife. Please stop trying to convince her to stay. You cannot convince or convict her of anything. Only God can do that, and you must turn to Him for all things.

Also, go to the prayer resquest forum under the restoration thread to find support. We can't give you answers, only God can do that. As I said on the other thread, I had to learn God principles from the web site at restorem.org.

God gives us testimonies to encourage others. Listen to what God has done for others. If you listen and go by the damage the and world and Satan can do then you will give up all hope. You will know them by their fruits. Pray and read God's word. I had to go to the site I gave you in order to understand God's word. He spoke to me through His word that I found in the restore book.

gentle

<small>[ November 02, 2003, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

Thank you for your responses. I am crying as I write this because it is so hard to not give up hope. My heart is grieving so much for her and the relationship she once had with the Lord. My kids asked when I did get to see them why can't we all be together again and it broke my heart. She has not told them what is going on. There dear little hearts want to know and how I wish that I could be with them to encourage them. I am dealing with anger and bitterness today - I am shocked by it...and I am upset everytime I think that it is gone it comes back.. I will go to those sites.....

Joe,

My story and yours are quite similar. I'm not sure what to say since I'm in the same boat your are. It has been a long year for me. Don't give up hope, my W gave me the separation paper last Sunday. I told her that I will not discuss the separation paper until the after the holidays are over and at the same time I would like her to think about reconcile. Lastnight she told me that she is still thinking about it and still don't know what to do yet, I'm hoping that God will open her heart and give me another chance. I guess that's good that at least she is still thinking. I do pray to GOD everyday now since Gentle guided me to him. I plan on readign the bibble and hopefully, hear what GOD is telling. Anyway, Hangin there and don't give up hope.

God Bless you!!!

Nobody has shared on this one. I did go to a different area and posted. Crazy thought that the OM might not know WW is married?

Dearest Joe,
I am new on this site, im a filipina, and got married three time's. from my first marriage it din't work out. i was been abuse. battered wife. physical mental abuse. but i still keep trying to save my marriage to my first husband. i made some mistake also. i was been nagging to him. but i think there was a reason why i am nagging him.i found that i am not the only woman in his life. and we have two kid's. i found out that he have kid's to a diff. woman. and everytime that i've'd talk to him. he dont wanted to open the topic. he hit me instead. after five year's i ask God if im still stay with this man that i married. but i love my children and i dont wanted they saw me that i am alway's been abuse, and i dont wanted to take out there respect to there father. instead that someday i will be dead. i decide to left him. and stand as a father and a mother to my children dont get any soppurt from him. i was been single for 9 yr's. till i gave a chance my self to love again. to be love. i met american Guy. for the first biggening that i enter to his life never lied to him. i tell my whole story. he is a good listener. and he was so very sopportive. but since that he bring me to United State everything was change. he change's a lot. i was been so honest and very sopportive to all hi's need's. and one day i found that he was cheating on me. in front of my face. i praye'd and ask God untill when i am going to have the same relationship that i have before. i dont wanted to get devorce.I still i forgive him.and forget what he did to me. i showed more love for him. but i think he din't see and feel the love that i am giving to him.everytime that i get my cheak from my work he alway's ask me to give it to him. i give it to him so that there's no fight.i cheerish him. i did everything to make him happy. but i think he doesn't care. he went back to my country. he left me in state. fifteen day's i keep serching him where he is. and i dont that he was in the philippine's i found out that he was an affair to other woman.i talk to him. but he put me in a middle. he gave me a two choices stay with him or leaved him. but because i love him and i dont wanted to lose him and i dont wanted to devorce him. so my choces is to stay with him. and forgive him and forget what he did. i still continue my part as a wife to serve and love and cherish him. but i feel that he is not happy to be with me anymore. until one day he said to me that he wanted to devorce me. i almost died when i heard that word's and iask him what is the reason whay he wanted to devorce me. he was blamming me thathe said i married him only because of the greencard and the property that he have. but he was wrong. and he file a devorce, it's hurt. i dont fight him to the court he force me to sign the devorce paper and he force me also to sign the paper that i can't get anything from him. i am true and honest to him. i sign the paper to prove to him that he was wrong for what he think about me. i give up my greencard. im back to my country. i let him to be free and to be happy. all i know i prove to my self that i show love and respect to him. i beleaved that only understanding and forgiveness will set us free. and that's what i did to him. and now he was trying to get me back me. but he lose me. i give a chance for my self to love and to be love again. and now i was married again for the third time's i never give up. now my husband he was so happy. because this is man that i was keep running away from him. for more than seven year's he is the one that who alway's understand me and accept me even what happened to me from my past life. he alway's lift me up everytime i felt down. if im cried he cried too. alway's think that God alway's giving us a chance to be love and be love again. let someone to be happy and you will find a true love and happeness someday. never give up it's not the end of the world alway's put trust hope faith in your heart!!!Good luck to all of us!! Pls anyone who will read this. pls correct my english, my english was not to good.Thank's

It's me you'r new friend
ola morena

Hello. I thought that I had posted a reply ola morena. All I can say is wow.

Prayer --- Lord please watch over this marriage and give it your divine light. Reveal and strengthen LB's - reveal and encourage meeting EN's. May you your spirit work with them.

i read all the story that wife filed for devorce for there husband. and this is sad for every husband that after they giving love and respect to the woman that they married, suddenly the wife they file a devorce. and i was thingking where is the promise that they give to each other. i think this is not good. for every husband. i am saying this. because i never try that i am the one to devorce my husband. instead i am the one that alway's been rejected. anyway i will pry for you guy's that someday you will find the true happy married.

Bump

Have aasked her point blank 4 times now on whether she is sure she wants this divorce.

I got this:
1) 98%
2) sure that she does
3) No answer
4) no answer

I have mentioned in multiple posts some things that she has asked for and where we are going. I want this divorce stopped. She said she will put it on hold for 6 months if I let her move in and I move out. I told her I will not move out. Now she wants to come and get things out of the house. I don't know what to do?