I have been married for almost a year now and before anything, I have to tell you that my husband has never cheated on me. However I am having trouble forgiving him for something that is getting in the way of my peace with him. Ten years ago before he met me when he was 26, he had sexual relations with a 15 year-old. And even though he didn't know me at the time and it was so long ago, I feel betrayed and I am disgusted with this, because I see it as STATUATORY RAPE. I was upset enough to tell him that that was STATUATORY RAPE; he also kept a picture of her up to the time I started dating him, in his wallet and he claims that it's just that he has forgotten to remove it from the wallet. He kept that picture in his wallet for at least 8 years until I got upset enough and tore it up. How dare him! It's like he kept it as a memento of his little sexual fling. He had sex with her 3 times. This marriage is important to me because we have a little boy together that we both adore; but I can't get past this. He tells me that he is repentant of this (and he gets very frustrated with me every time I want to know more). When I ask him if he is repentant for what he did, he says "yes" very frustrated, but I don't believe him. It hurts me that I don't even trust him. I want to trust him and I want to be loving to him, but I want him to realize that this part of his past really upsets me and I don't want him to undermine or ridicule my feelings about it as he has done in the past telling me that I am jealous (of what, a 15 year-old little tart? Do you blame me?). I can't give up on this marriage; he and I have both been divorced before, and I don't want to divorce ever again (the consequence was very hurtful to me). Because my husband treats me like my feelings are unimportant regarding this incident, sometimes I don't feel like he loves me. He does other things to show me that he loves me and the rational side of my mind sees that. But I am UPSET because a 26 year-old is not supposed to have sex with a 15 year-old girl. He says he did it because he was very lonely at the time, and the girl came over to his apartment supposedly to get help with her math homework and she came on to him strongly like she's been around before and he was "horny". I believe he's proud of this experience, because when we were only friends, he used to brag to his buddies about it. HELP! I don't know what to say, think, or do about this. Sometimes I feel like walking out. This hurts me and I wish it had never happened. Sometimes I'm okay, but if I dwell on this, it takes the best of me and for this family's sake, I need some advice on how I'm supposed to feel and react toward all this. Has he given me reasons to NOT trust him or NOT forgive him?<BR>Help!<P>daphnescat

I know how you feel about being lied to. My H lied to me about things and it upset me. I felt so betrayed, mad and taken for granted. I just couldn't figure out what I ever did for him to lie to me. After so long, there was no trust. I could not trust him or believe anything he did or said to me. We are now separated and going to counseling. He admitted to the therapist that his problem is lying. He is working on his lying and I know its going to take me the strength to start believing him.<P>I have a good book at home called Fighting for Your Marriage. It talks about trust and lists these things.<BR>1. Trust builds over time.<BR>2. Trust has the greatest chance of being rebuilt when each partner takes appropriate responsibility.<BR>3. If you've lost trust, recognize that you can do more today to further damage it than to regain it.<BR>4. Surveilance doesn't increase trust.<P>There is also another section in the book about forgiving and forgetting. There were problems in my marriage and I contributed to the problems as much as my H did. I am now living from day to day. Whatever happened or whatever my husband did in the past that I didn't like, approve of or felt hurt from is in the past. I can not dwell on the things that happened in the past, it only makes matter worse. I always and I mean always brought up the past and the "bad" things my husband did when we argued. I've learned now that is the worst thing you can do. <P>Buy the book, I've learned alot from it and I also feel like a better person and have slowly but surely started building a little trust towards my H.

Daphne,<BR>I thought my best friend had written your post when I read it, but she does'nt post or get on a computer much. All I can say is I know how you feel, when my husband and I first got together he had pictures hid behind a framed picture of his ex-wife, they weren't the kind you could display.....if you know what I mean. He said she must have left them there! Talk about a load of crap!! Well I had to accept it what else choice did I have, the past was the past.<BR> Then some years later (like 3) after we've married, and thought we'd gotten all the sexual disclosures said, like have you ever done this or had that done to you kinda thing he gets drunk and confesses to a particular type of sex act he did with his ex that he denied!! We've been married 6 yrs. now and been thru alot, and I mean alot. I've learned to agree with Clinton.......don't ask, don't tell. Good policy!!! But and I don't know why weakness I guess this bothers me to no end, but I just have to NOT dwell on it or think about it, I get so worked up I could get a divorce!!<BR> Like I said in the beginning my friend has the same situation with her husband, they've been married 15 yrs. now and their daughter is 12, the closer she gets to that age she probably thinks of it more. I guess just chalk it up to being a "man" thinking with his parts instead of his brain. Hang in there.......your not alone.<BR> LT