Kind of curious as to whether people dated while they were separated, waited till after their D was final and if you did how long you waited till after?

I'm in a situation where I happened across an incredible gal from church. We just happened to start talking with no intentions of dating, but have found that it would be great if we did date.

We agreed to wait till after my D which has yet to start before really "dating". So right now we're just establishing a great foundation based on friendship and God. Plus I'm kind of hesitant as to what people might think at church, not that it matters but on a certain level I do care how I/her/We might be perceived.

Thanks in Advance!

Eduard,

Why hasn't the D started if you know it will?

My experience with this was the following. D-Day was in 8/02. At this time I started taking classes again and I became friends with a girl from class in October or so. In Feb, it was a fairly close friendship, as the topic of the state of my M had come up. However, I only saw her at class. In 3/03, W stated she wanted a divorce. In 4/03, the D was signed and decree was given, and I started to date the girl from class a few weeks later, but it ended quickly. I haven't spoken to this girl in about 5 months now.

So, I didn't date while married, but waiting for the second that the divorce goes through wasn't necessarily a good idea either.

I would suggest waiting a while until things are cleared up and you are on your own for a little while. Everyone is different though.

I waited until after the D was final, but that was 20 months after separation. I wasn't comfortable dating until it was all over.
And I wouldn't introduce anyone to my children for at least 6 months.
However, since I'm new to the scene anyway, I have a second date tonight with a nice gentleman. He's willing to take things slowly which is great.

Take Care.

I started dating 2mo. into my separation.....wife was bringing OM over to my house and going out with him and my children. Our divorce was final less than 3 weeks after that. She was pushing everything and didnt want to reconcile.....that was fine with me since I didnt love her anymore at this point.....she shoved me right to my soulmate whom Ive been married to for 4mo. now....after dating her a year. My EX wife and OM (who is still married) are a joke.

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: StartinOver ]</small>

I gave myself one year after my divorce was final before I felt ready to try the dating scene. This seemed like a good timeline for me, although when I did begin a new relationship, I was still a little skittish. Truth be told, I'm still a little skittish. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

During the year period when my ex H couldn't decide what he wanted, his affair or his family, he left and came back a few times. So did the OW, who was my best friend. Her ex H and I turned to each other for support at this time, although it was never physical. I think God intervened in my behalf during that year, making sure we didn't cross any lines. It could have turned messy and I could have made choices that didn't coincide with my morals, as I was wildly trying to pull myself together. I am extremely thankful that I did have him for support during that time - we really helped each other through.

I don't believe dating while not yet divorced is a good choice, and I think Satan sees lots of opportunities to bring us down during times like these. As long as you stay true to your beliefs and look to God first as to what decisions to make, you'll do fine. Good luck!

Don't thinking now about that at all.
Even less about time...

I guess it'll begin when I'm ready...
Probably we are ready when we meet someone who makes us feel dating again!?...

Thanks for the input everyone.

Hoping4best- I've been waiting for a referral from my Sunday School teacher. He gave me one, but it fell through so I'm currently waiting for another. I've known for a while that it would go that route, I've just been patient about not rushing into it for the wrong reasons.

Newly- Good luck with the 2nd date!

Startingover- That is awesome. I think I'm kind of closest to your situation.

WhoamInow- I'm glad to hear God intervened in your situation. The dating while married thing we both agreed would not be appropriate to do so we agreed that if was truly intended to be we could wait until it was done with. We still have "hung out" like you would do with a friend but are making sure not to go beyond that with the things you would do while dating.

Belonging to Nowhere- Yes, I think when you're not looking you'll find it. All in due time and everyone's timeline is different.

It's just weird. I wasn't looking for anything other then a friendship. I've been separated going on 4 months and have made sure to take precaution in all of my decisions so this one is no exception.

We went to dinner to talk and things have clicked so well it's scary. But at the same time we have discussed and come to agreement on all of the usual pitfalls so as not to make any mistakes.

So Right now we are praying for God's will and not ours so we would accept it if the answer was no. And if God truly intended for us to be together there is no problem for either of us in waiting the allotted amount of time for the D.

Now, how to tell her parents her friend she's been talking to and just met is still married? LoL

Eduard.....believe me, Im not proud that I started dating my wife before my divorce was final......but, it was written, signed and in the final works when I met her. Also, my EX made it clear who she wanted to be with........she is still with him. I am happier than I have been in years.....my wife and I are so much alike.....her priorities are straight......me and our kids......and she loves me to death. You never know when you will meet "THE ONE".....it happens at different times and places for everyone. Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can imagine not being proud about that especially for those of us who value marriage.

You know how a lot of the situations on these boards tend to have a lot in common or seem to follow the same path. So far, I met her while still M, her priorities are straight and we are so much alike just as you said you two are.

I hope my story follows yours StartinOver! Because then it would mean I will be happier than I have been in years and that she will love me to death <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I waited a while. My divorce wasn't final in the sense that I hadn't gotten the final papers yet. We had been to court but it took a month for the papers to be filed in the court and me to receive the final copies. It was a fling that didn't last. Oh, and it was almost a year after me and my ex separated.

My next date was with my present husband. It was a little over a year later.

It's best to wait until your divorce is final before dating. That way there's no extra baggage that is brought into the relationship.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This just kinda popped out at me.

Now, how to tell her parents her friend she's been talking to and just met is still married?

1 - Why would it be a problem? "Mom, Dad, this is Eduard."
2 - Why would you meet her parents? (at this time)
3 - Why would/should she say anything about you being married/separated?

(food for thought)
How do you introduce your friends to your parents?

Sorry to hijack, but just curious. Mitzi, I have seen your story before and I just wondered how long you dated your current husband. From your timeline it doesn't sound like long, and I wondered if you just knew it was love or what? Just curious <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh and Eduard, be careful--you scare me with your talk. You are not even divorced - so many BS's turn into WS's because of this very reason. And JMO, and I believe it is God's opinion too, and you are going to get Chris CA123 on this bandwagon too I KNOW (haha Chris) - Dating before your divorce is FINAL by law with the papers all done and tidyed up...is adultery.

I seperated from my EX in July of 2000 divorce was final Dec of 2000 and I didn't start dating until August of 2001. I think deciding when to date is a individual decision.

Adgirl,
I wasn't going there, still not (staying away from that) because they are only friends.

Also, dating is not adultery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I guess I am reading too much into it. Eduard did say they were just friends, but posting this question and things he says about her sounds more like it is about to become an EA>
Also, dating is not adultery
Nope, not if you are divorced. If you are married and sharing feelings with someone of the opposite sex, you are having an EA which can lead to full blown PA. Especially when you are hurting and vulnerable and capable of doing dumb things you would not ordinarily do.

adgirl,

Sometimes I cringe when asked that question! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I knew my husband for 4 months when we got married. We had dated for 3 1/2 months. No, it wasn't a very long time at all.

It's kinda hard to explain how it all happened. I knew about 3 weeks after I started dating him that I wanted to marry him. He tells me that he felt the same way. It just seemed like I had known him forever and that I was meant to be with him. Our family has blended amazingly well together, and him and I get along great. Not to say that we don't have differences but we handle them well. (Thanks to MB!) Together we have 5 boys (I have 3, he has 2) and we've talked about maybe having one together. Just an idea that we're kicking around.

Hope this answers your questions!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That is very interesting Mitzi.......my wife said she fell in love with me real quickly......she said she had wanted to tell me after only dating her a month or so. I pretty much felt the same way. My wife told her best friend that......"He is just different, and Im falling in love with him". I think we fell in love just having conversations with one another. Anyone can have sex.......its the rest of the relationship that really counts.

I started off with the intent of NOT dating till the divorce was totally done. But, as time wore on, I found myself wanting to socialize and develop friends with unmarried single women. I went out on a few "dates", but I always made sure that they were light, bright, and not heavy. We'd do dinner and sometimes some kind of an activity like mini-golf. Some of those had definite potential to become more than that. I think it was pure luck that in spite of mutual attractions, I avoided dating anyone until the divorce came through. Once it came through, I immediately started dating.

Nothing will screw up a smooth divorce like a vindictive spouse finding out about your dating. Unfortunately, there's also an implication (no matter how dead the marriage is; no matter how sure the divorce already is) that if you're dating or being intimate with someone during separation, you MUST have known them before the separation and therefore MUST have been having an affair. Just be careful. If you ask your lawyer, they'll tell you to avoid dating till the divorce decree comes through. If you have kids, a touchy situation, or a psycho-stbx-spouse, the stakes for this increase until you'd be better off locking yourself in a library and reading all by yourself until the divorce decree is granted.

If you do lock yourself in a library, I'd suggest having witnesses at all time, because librarians can be very attractive!!! LOL. In the end, I would suggest that you take a good hard look at your conscience, your morals, your integrity, and your situation... and make a decision based on that. Notice that I left "your feelings" out of it. Here's why... your first kiss, your first relationship after your divorce are going to feel AWESOME. You'll think... "how can I live without this person?" You'll want them forever. You'll be desperate for anything... no matter how wonderful or how awful. The point is that you probably won't be looking at the world very clearly.

And, no matter how great that relationship is... your next ones will be better as you re-center yourself. I always thought of it this way...
- If I don't wait enough...
- If I fall in love too soon...
- If I want to give them my heart...
... I won't be able to because I'll still be tied up in the divorce from my first wife. Doesn't she deserve better? Doesn't she deserve ALL of me?

Chris- You always amaze me with the things you get people to think about.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1 - Why would it be a problem? "Mom, Dad, this is Eduard."
2 - Why would you meet her parents? (at this time)
3 - Why would/should she say anything about you being married/separated?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1- I've actually already met them.
2- Being parents, I think they wanted to meet the person their daughter has been talking to.
3- I want to be honest with people as much as possible. Not telling them I feel would be deceptive and starting out on the wrong foot. Especially if something came of this down the road.

Adgirl48- You are so right about BS becoming WS. We are trying our best to make sure we don't get too far ahead of ourselves since I am still "married".

I actually have counseled with the Church counselor/pastor who declared my marriage spiritually dead. As a marriage says "till death do us part." God has already granted me a divorce in his eyes, the only obligation I have is to the "man" aspect of the paperwork. We've put our future in the hands of God and we are willing to accept it if God does not want us together.

Trust me Adgirl when I say this is not going to a PA while I am married. I know that is something easily said and could be taken as fog talk etc but I'm not one to take that sort of thing lightly. We know we've done things the wrong way in the past with prior relationships and we want to do things the right way with God as the center of any relationship we may have.

Mitzi- that is awesome to hear about your relationship. I'm glad to see you got a second chance at M with a great person it sounds like.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Eduard:
<strong> I actually have counseled with the Church counselor/pastor who declared my marriage spiritually dead. As a marriage says "till death do us part." God has already granted me a divorce in his eyes, the only obligation I have is to the "man" aspect of the paperwork. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uhhhh Ohhhh......this is how I feel Eduard, but you are about to hear other views on this. I know God knows our heart........Its kinda like lusting in your mind is technically the same as adultery. Oh well.....here we go!....all the backlash to this quote! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />