Hi, JL. Just checking in...you have been in my thoughts as I don't recall which part of the country you live in but think you are an American if I recall that part correctly.<P>Keep well. Blessings to you and your family.

Hi FS,<P>I live on the "Left" coast , but was in Wash. D.C. until Sunday night. Yes, I am American. I did like everyone else on Tues. took leave from work and stayed home to watch the events unfolding. What an unbelievable tragedy.<P>It does reinforce something that we tend to forget. One never knows how and when things will end. So make the most of everyday. I know that you and your H realize this, but many people forget that they are vulnerable and mortal. Events such as those in NY and D.C as well as those on the airplanes, are a reminder. Live your life well.<P>All are doing fine here. The family is doing well, school starting and all. For the most part we like many other people arewaiting to find out if we know any of the people lost, but honestly it really doesn't matter does it? One feels the loss anyway. Several in our area did perish, but so far they were on the airplanes.<P>You know what struck me??? I have been in the WTC before and none of the pictures adequately show how BIG those buildings were. It was incredible to see them fall.<P>Well, I'd better go and get some work done.<P>Thanks for asking. I hope you and your family are well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL, Thank God you are safe. <P>You are right about living well and enjoying one's family. I need to write you about a new struggle I'm facing but right at the moment have to run to a meeting with a friend.<P>I have a new awareness but made a really stupid judgement call-- working for a charity is different than the church when you have "high rollers" helping out. I am very tired and am aware of temptation. I have worked too much lately.<BR>I plan to talk with H but really would treasure your wise counsel. <P>Will write either later tonight or tomorrow if time permits.<P>I wish there were something more tangible I could do to help your country. H is even thinking of leaving his job to go volunteer if possible. I am scared but proud at the same time.<P>Thanks for always making a moment for me when so many others need you, too.<P>So glad you are safely reunited with family.

JL, It feels so strange to write about everyday life on this national day of mourning for your country (Canada is observing the day, also)<P>Basically, my new dilemma is not totally a dilemma as I am in tune with what is happening enough to think things through. However, it is mostly developing confidence and keeping myself protected that is a concern right now.<P>We have just come through a huge fundraiser in which I realize there is a bit of a glamourous side to work. There are powerful businessman who help our cause and some volunteer for special events. <P>I do not want to live in fear of other men yet I need to learn my way in the business aspect of things. My poor judgement call involved sending a personal note to one of these men (after Tuesday's events and knowing he is in the civic election process here, I simply remarked he would be kept in thought as these would be busy days and I gave informal thanks for the great job he did) He reminded me of a special old friend H and I know and was very friendly at the event. Then yesterday I learned he used the event to promote himself and just felt sick. The others on the management team told me it was OK as I would not have been looking for that kind of person intentionally and it's a hard lesson on the way to experience in this new career.<P>I spoke by phone to another man who helped at our event and commented that he sounded more rested than the last couple times we spoke. He was surprised I could tell that over the phone (it's a gift and a curse being able to read people who are down) and suddenly it frightened me and I wondered if I had been inappropriate to say anything. Nothing bad happened; it's just a fear of mine now as I want to be professional and yet myself, a very caring person without sending off unintentional signals.<P>I know my fatigue makes me much more vulnerable and rejoice that I can have family time this wkd and after Wed this week, can work fewer hours and be there more for family.<P>Maybe there is no easy answer but how can I represent my agency professionally and yet be myself without repercussions? Am I just afraid of these guys' power or truly seeking to be sensitive to H? It's hard to put in words. I'd really appreciate your insight/advice on how I can have my own sense of power rather than fear. Am I maybe overreacting and not trusting myself enough because of the past? <P>It's not that these men tempt me but my desire to continue in recovery with H coupled with learning boundaries in business is vitally important. Does this make any sense?<P>I wanted to say it more briefly but oh, well!<P>Thanks, JL. Again, prayers for your nation's safety continue and for peace in our world.

Freshstart:<P>I had to find you using a roundabout route.<P>I've been trying to get you and SKM to respond to 2worlds post titled,"Ummm! Volume One", as I feel you could add a deceent perspective and because some of 2worlds post resemble SKM.<P>Check 2worlds in Generaal Questions Two.<P>Clyde

Clyde, nice to hear from you. I have been kind of taking a break from MB partly due to having to work long hours, partly for spiritual reasons, and also to invest more time in H. <P>Things are going ok but I am blown away tonight. A horrible man tried to abduct my daughter on Monday night this week. She did everything right...ran away screaming and the coward turned the car around and drove away. I found out tonight that in the past few nights there have been bizarre sex crimes in that neighbourhood. I would not be here tonight if I had lost her and then Tuesday's tragic news followed suit. <P>There had to be an army of angels around my 14. <P>Ok, I will try to find the post. If you read this, and don't see that I've replied to TwoWorlds, will you let me know what forum, please? Thanks. I'm improving in finding posts now but still struggle occasionally.<P>I wonder how the world news is affecting you over in the Carribean? (I think that's where you are, right?)

FS,<P>I am so glad your D is safe. What a terrifying experience. I hope she is coping well.<P>I read your post and am a little confused so I apologize if I get going in the wrong direction. Maybe I'll ask some questions first.<P>1. Are you saying you are sensitive to the power that these men apparently have??<P>2. Are you saying that you are bothered by your own sensitivity to these men? Perhaps as compared to your sensitivity to your H?<P>3. Are you asking what is the appropriate behavior with contributors in these fund raisers?<P>I guess I will answer the last question first. If your organization is similar to ones that I am familiar with, then acknowledging peoples generousity is a good thing. However, you must be aware that many people expect their generousity to be rewarded. Typically as political points, or in favors being given. This is not unusual. <P>I don't agree with this, but one can see that the reason for acquiring power and influence is to use it. This in and of itself is not bad. It can be argued that many enter the clergy so have similar power and influence on people. However, such power and influence can be used badly.<P>So what about your sensitivities? They are good, you make these people feel noticed and appreciated. However, the downsiide is that often people in power are also sensitive to people trying to get them to do things by being sensitive. It seems to me there then are two responses: they back off so as not to be used, or they demand further favors from those currying favors.<P>I suspect you are worried about the latter and how it would affect your marriage. That is a very good thing to be worried about for a variety of reasons. One, power and influence is very seductive and being around it gives you power and influence. However, that means you are beholding to these men. This may not play well with your H, particularly given his current situation.<P>So the very thing that probably makes you very good at your job, is also a potential weakness. Pretty typical of life isn't it? My suggestion is to be aware of your feelings, the seductiveness of this power, and keep your H in the loop to an extraordinary level.<P>Finally, I must comment on money and power. They are heavily intertwined, and people who flash their donations and talk about all of their civic contributions should be viewed with great suspicion as far as ulterior motives are concerned. <P>My advice to you is never take a job you wouldn't quit in a minute if things were not the way you want them. Be professional, being sensitive is a good thing, but be aware that it can be miscontrued as wanting something more. <P>I hope this has been a little help. I feel that I have not really hit on what you are asking so let me know where to go with this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL, thank you. You actually did hit it on the nail. I spoke with H about it and his reaction surprised me--he told me he doesn't fear my work with "power" men and that truly they commonly work with women and know proper conduct, business decorum, etc.<P>What hurt is H told me he would worry more (still) if say, I was involved with our client's families--going into the home where the dad has some kind of problem. (not part of my job) He said it's not that he fears I would mess up again but those type of men would target me. As I said, it surprised me.<P>And the campaign man...I read his ad in a local rag and it boasts of a donation he made last year (rather a small one to advertise in my opinion)<P>Guess you are not alone in "just learning" things about life <P>Yes, thank God D is safe. I had let the principal of the nearby school report the incident but with this new info feel I better take her myself to a station and file a report. Lesson learned again for me...don't let your kids out of your sight no matter how safe you assume your town/city/neighbourhood may be. <P>We talked to our pastors today about H ministering part time and they are trying to think of a way to pay enough so we could keep paying rent. There is also a great job to apply for but we'll see what God wills.<P>Again, your nation's devestation and mourning is constantly on my mind and in my heart right now. May God keep you safe.<P>Thanks, JL.<BR>

FS,<P>Why would your H's response surprise you? It seems he feels you were as much a victim as anything else. He may be more accutely aware of your weaknesses, than you are. I suspect he feels that since you are a sensitive person, and prone to take up the cause of someone who is down or hurting, that this is the way for some man to get to your heart.<P>Power, is one way to influence people, but so is simply needing help.<P>I would also like to mention that while your H seems to be doing very well, remember that he undoubtably still has some worries. He may well wonder about his abilities: to keep you happy, so survive his cancer, and finally to a reach a position of respect and apparent usefulness again. As you can see these are all intertwinned.<P>Keep talking to him, but be aware that he may need just a little extra attention from you from time to time.<P>Thank you again for you kind wishes. Don't worry about one thing. The U.S will survive. We always have and will this time as well. I am sure this matter will be resolved, but it will take patience, resolve, and certain level of relentlessness. I am sure the military has it, and as long as the press doesn't get into yelling and screaming for revenge right now, these things will be dealt with.<P>As bad as this event is, it is not nearly as bad as many of us have been worrying about and could happen. I have always liked the quote by I believe Benard Shaw: "Revenge is a dish best served cold." <P>Personally, I am not interested in revenge. It won't return the lost loved ones. I am more interested in eradicating as much of this threat as possible. I hope that can successfully done.<P>Glad I could be of some help to you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Right you are! <P>Just a happy update...H asked his boss today about working mornings only. Boss said to H, Look, I hired you on the condition that you can take whatever time off you need to look for work...JL, boss will stay pay H!! AND when I shared H's considering volunteer-pastoring at church and or looking for work, one of my supervisors told me it's her dream to have a pastor as a resource person for our clients!!!! <P>Sometimes life is too good!!<P>Yes, I will keep checking myself to give H time and attention. It's the only way to continue moving forward.<P>And I'm with you on the cold dish perspective!<P>Blessings, FS