Our divorce was final back in March and I am still feeling the pain of her A. Thing go through my mind that she did and it hurts all over again. And to top it all off, I would probably try it again if she said the word. I am currently deployed to a place where we have nothing to do so I have a lot of time to think. I was hoping to think about what I was going to do and plan my life out, but she keeps invading thoughts.
We are still friends and probably talk to her everyday. (not while I am here) Before I left she even invited me to the movies with her, as friends ofcourse. She had even sent me emails that seem upbeat for her. Telling me to be careful, she couldn't loose me too. and that she would be praying for me. Things like that give me hope, but I fear it is in vain. I have met some really nice girls and go out, but I think I am afraid to start something serious in case the ex has a change of heart. Why am I so whipped by a cheating spouse who is still communicating with OM? She says she sees no future with OM, but he doesn't judge her and doesn't criticize her. I know she talks to him several times a day, but do not know how often she sees him. I know they go to the same gym and its the same one my little girl takes swim lessons from.
I am stuck here in a tent with 6 other guys hurting in silences. Serving my country while my family is taken from me. Why can't I hate her Like I hate all of the OM? Why?

CD:

It's good 2 hear from you again, though I'm sorry 2 hear about the DV and how you're feeling.

I think the problem here is that by being "friends" with her like this, you're enabling her fence-sitting 2 continue, even after the DV. She gets 2 have her friendships with you and the OM, and the OM doesn't have 2 take care of her 24/7.

I think the key here is NOT that you are friends with your xW - that's the way it SHOULD be in a perfect world. The key here is that it hurts you when you are DV'd and should be putting yourself 2gether as an emotionally healthy individual capable of a potential fu2re relationship. Your xW shouldn't be able 2 have that kind of hold on you still.

In short, I don't think she was any more ready for a DV than you were. Regardless of what either of you envisions your fu2re 2 be, you need 2 be able 2 truly recover from the past. Would you consider going 2 a counselor 2gether with the focus on being good co-parents 2 your D?

I think that you should consider some means of drastically reducing your contact with your xW. If the OM is really "not judging her or criticizing her", talking 2 her several times a day, possibly even seeing her often and YET she sees NO FU2RE with him, you need 2 remove yourself from the fence-sitting game she's playing so that she can think about what she wants 2 DO about that self-realized "fact." Make the OM fill all her needs for conversation.

I still believe that she wanted the DV so as 2 feel less guilty about what she was doing. She avoided responsibility. Well, guess what? Responsibility doesn't let go of us that easily. It's catching up with her. Let it.

regards,
-2long
P.S. Wherever you are serving, know that we are all deeply in your debt for what you do!

2ble post

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

bumping for Citydweller

bumping for citydweller

I am sorry to hear you are hurting, I dont post here very much anymore, but I know what you are talking about, my XH and I have been apart for 4 years and divorced for 2. For me the pain is still there, we tried to be friends for our kids sake but it was to much for me and I called it off we now only talk about the kids and what the need or want and when he calls we are civil and have a short chat about school and what else is new. But it is getting better day by day. He is still with OW and now married and that one about tore out my heart even though I thought I was over it and had tried to move on. I know my issues with him are me remembering the man I fell in love with and not who he became. I never in all my days would want a friend like him if we had not been together for so long, he now does things that he knows hurts me and our two kids, no one needs a friend who hurts you, life is too short for that. Really all my post started out to be was just to tell you to hang in there. I know you hear that from everyone around you cause I hear it to, but its really all we can do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> take care.

Citydweller
I echo what 2Long said. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing for your country, I thank you. You have my utmost respect and I pray for your health and safety.

I'm early on in this A business but I'm sure that the men around you could listen to your pain or post more here. You are not alone. Don't let this fence-sitter continue to hold you. There will not be anyone like her for sure but there are many others out there who will love and respect you. Don't be discouraged.

Best wishes.

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Ridingtherollercoaster ]</small>

I know what you are saying and I know I need to cut off the communication to a point. Its juts hard for me to do that. I still find myself checking on her, seeing if she is calling om or seeing him. Now that I am away I should be able to not talk to her. I haven't talked to her for several a couple of days now, and I want to call so bad. Don't worry, I won't except to talk to my Ds. I just don't know how to stop thinking about her. The problem is that I think I still love her, and until I can over come that I will not be able to have a relationship with another woman. So she is still haunting my life!

have a question, X-mas is coming and I don't know what the xw is planning. I get the feeling she is planning on doing it together with the kids. Is this a bad thing? O rshould I stay away from that?

The only thing that has helped me to let go of the love and caring is no contact with him. I had to call and leave a message and even that made me upset and have a dream about him.

If you have children, I would suggest using the time between now and the holidays to just start to change your habits of communicating with her.
Dont be so available, keep the conversations short and about the children, don't ask questions about her life, don't share your life with her. If you have the urge to call her have a list of things to do instead... exercise, call someone else, post it here, make yourself go out where you will met other people....

Then after the holidays you can try even more distanceing and try to stop all communication except the necessary. She is using you to ease her guilt over the affair and divorcing. She made the choice to loose you.

Time will help, but not if you keep holding on to the hope of a change with her, or she keeps you sucked in with the friends thing. Maybe once all your feelings are dead you could be friends, but thats far in the future.