I've had some interesting things happen recently that I thought I'd share with you all... it may or may not be applicable.

When my marriage first started to disintegrate, my family was very supportive. They asked me what they could do to help. I always said, "Things are so emotionaly. I need a friend, someone that I can reason with as I muddlefuss through this divorce, that I absolutely know is on my side... but who will be reasonable." Well, in dealing with everything, we spent a lot of time talking.

However, as time went on and I began to recover, both emotionally and in other ways, I didn't want to talk about the divorce anymore. Not only that, but they felt that I should have recovered FASTER. They began to speculate that there might be other issues and began proactively trying to "help" me with things that didn't exist. It made me push away from them. Finally, things got to the point that, whenever they brought up the divorce, I'd smile and change the subject.

THAT made them think I was hiding something from them, which in turn increased their proactive offers to help. I have tried to reassure them that this is just the way I am and that all things take time to heal, but there isn't anything else. As I have relied less and less on them, I feel like they're holding on more and more until last weekend, things finally snapped. They started yet another discussion and I ended up leaving.

I was curious, how many of you have gone through something like this - either with family or friends? It's driving me nuts.

Lyxa,
I am also dealing with this situation. When my marriage started having problems over a year or so ago, I pulled away from my dad and step mom (mom died 12 years ago). For one thing, I was never close to my dad. He was the bread winner, the one who worked 7 days a week, 12 hour days. We hardly ever saw him, mom raised us. That makes it very hard for me to share anything with him as I feel he doesnt "know" me. The other part of that is that he has never liked my H and seems to be just waiting to say "I told you so" even if we have been married 23 years. I know this is not just my imagination. My step mom told my daughter that she told my dad that he had better not say it to me. That tells me he was talking about it. I will never forget (forgive, yes, forget, no) him telling me that my H had already gotten rid of 1 wife, he would get rid of me too. That was his way of telling me he didnt want me to marry him. Then again, I was only 17.
So, here I am. I waited over 2 months to tell him we were separated. I would not have told him then except that the kids where having to lie about H's where abouts when my dad called our house. I had thought things might straighten out and I wouldn't have to tell him at all. Heaven knows, I didnt need him to dislike my H anymore than he already did. He has been pressing for me to file for divorce for a while now. He also keeps trying to get me to go dancing with them to meet someone to take my mind off my H. I dont think I will find what I am looking for in a bar and I dont drink. So, he keeps pushing and I keep pulling back. We havent talked since my birthday in Sept. It is hard enough dealing with everything else without having to deal with my dad. I know he means well, but there is no way but his way, and I am not ready to "unleash" my dad on my H just yet. I know he will be ruthless in the divorce process. I guess I am glad one of us can be when the time comes. As for the rest of my family, they are just kinda there. Everyone says they support me and will do whatever I need, but I hate to ask anything this early in the game. They too feel like I should just get over it. I wish it were so easy.
Hugs and prayers,
clhg

Lyxa,
My mom is about to smother me. As I wrote on Eduard's thread when Chris wrote:
"Yeah, but she's 27(ish), not 12.
As a parent, I want to know who my 12 year old hangs around with but when she's 27, I'm not gonna want to meet all her friends (but then again, if I'm still single, hmmm..
Have your parents met ALL your friends?"

I replied:
Chris,
Will you call my mom please?
I am 27 and She is having a hissy fit and really got out of control the other day because she hasn't met my male friend. Now my male friend and I are JUST friends. I do have feelings for him and we dated in June and July but things were going too fast and we just decided to be friends for now. We hang out and talk on the phone almost daily, email some, and he got me a birthday gift, but I have told mom we are just friends and she is having a cow still that she hasn't met him. She was really really going on about it and now she has laid off some but I don't get it.
She is upset too because I met his parents and she thinks that means he is trying to control me because I have met them. Never mind that the reason is because they were at one of his triathlons and then because we stayed at their house because they live in the same city we traveled to for a ball game. I have probably actually talked to them for a total of 2 hours.


Anyway, My mom Seems to want to control every part of my life. And if I am doing ok, well then I must be hiding something or not dealing with the anger. And if I don't grieve the same way or if I move on or if I need to make any decision, she wants to know about it and what I am doing. She asks me a zillion questions. I blew up at her the other day and told her just because she didn't want me to be a kid when I was one- she had other things going on- didn't mean she could make me a kid now and control me and my finances, friends, grief, etc. It is almost like she wants to live through me ....but then she turns around sometimes and acts considerate. I get tired of it because it causes just as much, if not more, stress than I had in the first place.

<small>[ November 05, 2003, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

Hahahahahahaha...

I'm 30 and my girlfriend is 23. She has a daughter. Our dvs went through on the same day... go figure. My parents have met her and they get along just fine. I have a tendency to try and be calm and deal with confrontations when the time is appropriate. When they get out of hand, I used to get all fired up and argue. Now, after my dv, I just don't find that interesting anymore. I find it boring and tiring. More often than not, I just apologize and get up and leave if changing topics doesn't work.

My mom does smother me, yes. And she won't stop until I find some creative way to let her smother me without pissing me off. Sometimes I think, "Dear heaven, I'm 30 years old. I own my own business. I survived a very nasty divorce. Why on earth can't I get along with my parents??!" Maybe Chris can call them for me too...

double

<small>[ November 05, 2003, 02:17 PM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

I need a creative way. Any ideas? And we need to start a phone list for Chris <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I told my mom that I survived my parents divorce, 2 car wrecks, my ex's crazy mom, his affair, his OC, finding out about his porn addiction, having to sell my house, etc etc...so I think it qualifies me to make my own adult decisions!!! But I try to be calm- usually it works but the other day I had just had enough. And funny, because the other day seemed to have taken care of things..at least for now.

Another parent issue. Maybe I just overreact. Last night I am with mom at a church concert. She sees this man she knows and they are talking. Then they were talking about world vision because this lady who did the concert sponsors a child (Dominican Republic children-sponsor for $30/month) so they did a presentation trying to encourage others to do the same. SO mom tells this man, with me sitting right there, "Well I don't think I will sponsor a child- I already have my own child to sponsor" and puts her hand on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Then to make it worse, the man with her says, well she may cost more than $30 a month!
Ok now I was greatly offended. But I didn't say anything. The thing is , my mom has not supported me financially since I was 17. She gave me random money in college but that is it. So, I just didn't say anything but it bothered me. Am I just too sensitive?

Yeah, I think your mom was just making a joke. I'd judge that as insensitivity on her part and over-sensisitivity on your part.

I haven't talked with my parents for a week now. Ugh. They have invited my girlfriend and I over for dinner on Sunday... but I already know that is what's going to happen. They'll turn to her, with me sitting right next to her and say, "Next time you're with our son, will you please tell him...[insert topic of note]?" I hate that. I'm still debating whether I want to or not.

I suppose the question of the day is why does a divorce make your parents view you as a child again? Is it protective instinct? And, once that happens, how do you get out of that and into a more normal mode of relating?

It may be time for a pinky-pact with your girlfriend.

I'd consider NOT going to your parents' house. But I would go see her. Kiss your mother on the cheek and say "Mom. I love you dearly. I know you mean well. But we won't be coming for dinner any time soon. I want you to be my mother; not my therapist, not my personal grief counselor or some other role that has you "fixing" me.

"I just want you to know, Mom. I love you. But I won't put myself through the resentments that can't help but come up when you try to fix this for me or make me do this your way. I don't want to associate those feelings with you. And that's why I will be staying away for the time being.

"Let me know when it's okay to just be your ADULT son who can handle his own problems - and you want to be my mother."

Just a thought. Speaking as one who had to do major surgery on the apron strings myself a few years ago.