Hello all, not sure if I'm seeking advice, or just need to express my painful ambivalence. Last December, the day after Christmas, my husband of 8 turbulent years left to take presents to his family in another state (750 miles away), and never came back. I had to work, so could not go on the trip. A week led into a month, into 3 months, finally he expressed that he was not sure he wanted to come back...preferred to live in his hometown among his relatives instead of here, with me. Also, he did not want me to quit my job (I'm the sole breadwinner, he does not work, only draws Social Security) and did not want to sell the house, wanted me to stay here and him there, with occasional visits.

I should mention that there is a large age difference between us, I'm 38 and he is 64. He has had cancer surgery and is not able to perform sexually, and insists he is not having an affair, just wants to live near his grown children.

After 7 months of this, me living alone struggling to meet all the responsibilities of the household here and him happily staying at his son's house 750 miles away, not communicating with me nor sending me a penny, we mutually decided the only fair thing was to divorce, so at least I could be free to start over in life. We both signed and filed divorce papers, which have not yet reached the final judgement stage (we are still legally married). There was no further contact whatsoever, I never heard from him at all.

Some time after the divorce was filed, I became involved with a wonderful, kind man who works for the same company I do, in the same building. Co-workers, friends and family know about our dating and are delighted about our happy relationship.

Now, suddenly, 11 months after he left me, days before the divorce will be finalized, my separated husband wants to reconcile. He has begun calling several times a day, promising that he is a new man, God has helped him with all his issues, and all he wants is to move back down here immediately, cancel the divorce and live happily ever after.

I am totally shaken over this turn of events. I have gone through a year of agonizing emotions since he abandoned me, have worked hard at putting it all behind me, have even met a great guy to spend time with, and was healing. But, due to my Christian faith, I believe that the scriptures are clear that the marriage is to be salvaged if at all possible; and the fact that the husband wants to reconcile obligates me to dump this new man and welcome husband back, even though I have no idea whether he will continue to leave me again and again. Husband seems overjoyed about the reconciliation, I feel a huge, heavy cloud of disappointment and depression over it.

I have told the man I've been dating about this turn of events, and we have agreed to a time-out until the outcome of this is determined. But, it is breaking both of our hearts to see each other all day at work, knowing that I am obligated by Christianity to take the deserting ex back at his whim.

I guess my general question is, is there ever a point when a Christian wife can say "no, sorry, you cannot come back, you've left me before and I am not confident that you won't do it again, I'm tired of the roller-coaster", or am I obligated to take him back seventy-times-seven, even if I am not happy about doing so?

Is it being a Christian wife only reason to try reconciliation?
For me it wouldn't be enough, if everything else si the same... and I'd just go on with my life without him...

Only kids could make difference though... Any?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by subaru:
...is there ever a point when a Christian wife can say "no, sorry, you cannot come back, you've left me before and I am not confident that you won't do it again, I'm tired of the roller-coaster", or am I obligated to take him back seventy-times-seven, even if I am not happy about doing so? [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is a point - when someone doesn't treat you as a Christian wife should be treated...

subaru,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, due to my Christian faith, I believe that the scriptures are clear that the marriage is to be salvaged if at all possible; </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I hate divorce!" says God of Israel.
Its His hearts desire that all marriages shall reconcile. "That none shall parish." He even tells us that adultry can be grounds of forgiveness,,,

Is there any exception to any "one" marriage?


When the decision was made to bring in another individual, were you aware of your marital status then? Do you "feel" that it was the right choice to be made? Knowing there was no divorce yet?


The age descrephancy was mentioned, was this a factor the day of your wedding? If not, why now?
Is this to hopefully persuade an answer leading toward a way thats wanted already? H had cancer surgery, no sex. ok? Again, why this? I'm wondering, are you trying, wanting to help persuade the answer you are hoping to hear? No one can tell you what to do, including what not to do. Thats all your choice, and yours alone.
Will a decision be made one day saying that i prayed, and God wanted us to be together. So now a divorce will become justified, in the eyes of the world?

I'm wondering, what exactly do the wedding vows really mean anymore?

THe day you said "I do," did you know rather or not your H would ever leave you? and if so did you know how many times? This guy your happily involved with now, do you know rather or not he too will ever leave? and if so how many times?


Do you consider yourself responsible? mature? and capable of accepting responsibility of decisions made on your own accord? I'm sure its safe to assune that you're of sound mind? and of age? and mature? Correct?
I'm wondering, am i hearing how all of this is your H's fault? and he's all to blame?

There's a scripture about uneven yolked, what do you hear from this scripture? Can one make this scripture into their own personal gain? does God tell you, me or anyone that an age descrephancy, will eventually bedome uneven yolked?

I remember one day when my relationship with my W, who is now my stbxw, was happy.

I really do wonder what wedding vows really truly mean anymore? Maybe we need to just take God out of some weddings, just use the words, "you're now married." We wouldn't be able to say as husband and wife though, those were Gods words telling us to now become as one.

I only expressed my personal opinions here,, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm still STANDING! in Michigan
www.rejoiceministries.org

I don't know. While I believe in the Christ, I'm not what so many here would consider a "Christian."

I do believe that marriage is a man-made sacrament. Not one of the two handed down by said Christ which are holy baptism and holy communion. Since it is man made, and no less than two people are involved in the decision to marry, human mistakes are made.

God would never want you to stay with an evil man or woman. God would never ask you to risk his possession on a marriage, I'm talking abuse here.

But then my God is more detached and impersonal than many others.

I do think you have the right to decide what is best for yourself since you do not have children. I think if you consider reconciliation, you should make sure it's for reasons you can live with. If he wants to come back so that you can take care of him... that's entirely different from coming back because he loves you.

As for the age difference Stephan, I'd say it can easily change. As a younger person grows and matures, the power imbalance disappears. This causes great strain on the relationship. Men do not marry women 20 years younger because they want equal partners. And vice versa as a certain actress is proving. Maybe that's only my experience. I don't know.

Ok, I'm sorry if this is too blunt, but this is how I see it.

Your husband did something horrible, He abandoned you in a very cold and deceptive way.

Now, 11 months later, days before your divorce is finalized, he wants to come back and live with you and pretend nothing ever happened? Is he joking? What happened, did his son kick him out?

He showed no thought for you whatsoever 11 months ago. Your feelings meant nothing to him the day he made the decision to leave. I really doubt that has changed after 11 months of separation. I bet there is a more practical answer to his sudden change of heart.

Life is short. Be happy.

Mike

we mutually decided the only fair thing was to divorce, so at least I could be free to start over in life. We both signed and filed divorce papers,

Since you both agreed to it,and decided it was the only fair thing, then I see no problem with continuing on with it. Sounds like you finally had PEACE with your decision.

Husband seems overjoyed about the reconciliation, I feel a huge, heavy cloud of disappointment and depression ove

I thought God, was a God of PEACE. If it is truly God you want to follow, then he will give you peace with your decision and not disappointment and depression. Wouldn't you agree?

I guess my general question is, is there ever a point when a Christian wife can say "no, sorry, you cannot come back, you've left me before and I am not confident that you won't do it again, I'm tired of the roller-coaster", or am I obligated to take him back seventy-times-seven, even if I am not happy about doing so?

According to my view on the scriptures, NO you are not obligated to take him back. I believe God only wants us to make our decisions out of our love for him and not because we feel obligated or out of a set of "rules". If we do it out of obligation, then we are no different than the Pharisees who Jesus confronted again and again about them not giving from their HEARTS.

As far as taking him back seventy-times-seven.... If I remember correctly, he said he wants us to FORGIVE them if they ask for it... I do not see him mentioning saying you have to TAKE THEM BACK.....

Moral of story... Do not let GUILT be your guide, but peace. When you truly follow him because you love him, then he will give you peace with your decisions.... and not worry, anxiousness, chaos, and guilt....

"Be anxious for NOTHING, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.... And the PEACE of God which passes all comprehension shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus".....

I'd like to thank all of you for your thoughtful replies. In response to some of your questions, no, we don't have any kids.

Yes, actually, his son (older than me, from a prior marriage) DID finally ask him to move out, I do think that's the actual reason for the sudden change of heart--I'm a source of free room and board!

Anyway, he is coming for a visit this weekend to talk all of this through, so time will tell what the outcome will be.

Thank you all again for your responses, and God Bless you all.